The Jest Book Part 92

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a s.h.i.+lling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as _one sc.r.a.per at the door_ was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the _little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all _great rascals_."

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.

After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him _flatter_.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible good health at present_."

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_ sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblus.h.i.+ng familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_ your face."

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female a.s.sistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will not do here."

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is _nothing to n.o.body_."

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lords.h.i.+p, "you are right; _honest men_ can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the _Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"

asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_ reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis...o...b..ien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a s.h.i.+lling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a _s.h.i.+lling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman,"

an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a _wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE a.s.sURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is _gone out_ too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for _I have tried baith_."