A Trip to Scarborough; and, The Critic Part 17

_Just_. Ha! sure some powerful sympathy directs Us both-- _Enter_ CONSTABLE _with_ Son.

What is thy name?

_Son_. My name is Tom Jenkins--_alias_ have I none-- Though orphan'd, and without a friend!

_Just_. Thy parents?

_Son_. My father dwelt in Rochester--and was, As I have heard--a fishmonger--no more."

_Puff_. What, sir, do you leave out the account of your birth, parentage, and education?

_Son_ They have settled it so, sir, here.

_Puff_. Oh! oh!

"_Lady_. How loudly nature whispers to my heart Had he no other name?

_Son_. I've seen a bill Of his sign'd Tomkins, creditor.

_Just_. This does indeed confirm each circ.u.mstance The gipsy told!--Prepare!

_Son_. I do.

_Just_. No orphan, nor without a friend art thou--I am thy father; here's thy mother; there Thy uncle--this thy first cousin, and those Are all your near relations!

_Lady_. O ecstasy of bliss!

_Son_. O most unlook'd for happiness!

_Just_. O wonderful event! [_They faint alternately in each other's arms_.]"

_Puff_. There, you see, relations.h.i.+p, like murder, will out.

"_Just_. Now let's revive--else were this joy too much! But come--and we'll unfold the rest within; And thou, my boy, must needs want rest and food. Hence may each orphan hope, as chance directs, To find a father--where he least expects!

[_Exeunt_.]"

_Puff_. What do you think of that?

_Dang_. One of the finest discovery-scenes I ever saw!-- Why, this under-plot would have made a tragedy itself.

_Sneer_. Ay! or a comedy either.

_Puff_. And keeps quite clear you see of the other.

"_Enter_ SCENEMEN, _taking away the seats_."

_Puff_. The scene remains, does it?

_Sceneman_. Yes, sir.

_Puff_. You are to leave one chair, you know.--But it is always awkward in a tragedy, to have your fellows coming in in your play-house liveries to remove things.--I wish that could be managed better.--So now for my mysterious yeoman.

"_Enter_ BEEFEATER.

_Beef_. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee."

_Sneer_. Haven't I heard that line before?

_Puff_. No, I fancy not.--Where, pray?

_Dang_. Yes, I think there is something like it in Oth.e.l.lo.

_Puff_. Gad! now you put me in mind on't, I believe there is--but that's of no consequence; all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit upon the same thought--and Shakspeare made use of it first, that's all.

_Sneer_. Very true.

_Puff_. Now, sir, your soliloquy--but speak more to the pit, if you please--the soliloquy always to the pit, that's a rule.

"_Beef_. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, It never can endure a rival's bliss! But soft--I am observed.

[_Exit_.]"

_Dang_. That's a very short soliloquy.

_Puff_. Yes--but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed.

_Sneer_. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. Puff!

_Puff_. Hark'ee--I would not have you be too sure that he is a Beefeater.

_Sneer_. What, a hero in disguise?

_Puff_. No matter--I only give you a hint. But now for my princ.i.p.al character. Here he comes--Lord Burleigh in person!

Pray, gentlemen, step this way--softly--I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect--if he is but perfect!

"_Enter_ LORD BURLEIGH, _goes slowly to a chair, and sits._"

_Sneer_. Mr. Puff!

_Puff_. Hus.h.!.+--Vastly well, sir! vastly well! a most interesting gravity.

_Dang_. What, isn't he to speak at all?

_Puff_. Egad, I thought you'd ask me that!--Yes, it is a very likely thing--that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk!--But hus.h.!.+ or you'll put him out.

_Sneer_. Put him out; how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything?

_Puff_. There's the reason! why, his part is to think; and how the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking?

_Dang_. That's very true, upon my word!

"LORD BURLEIGH _comes forward, shakes his head, and exit_."

_Sneer_. He is very perfect indeed! Now, pray what did he mean by that?

_Puff_. You don't take it?

_Sneer_. No, I don't, upon my soul.

_Puff_. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures--yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy.

_Sneer_. The devil! did he mean all that by shaking his head?

_Puff_. Every word of it--if he shook his head as I taught him.

_Dang_. Ah! there certainly is a vast deal to be done on the stage by dumb show and expressions of face; and a judicious author knows how much he may trust to it.

_Sneer_. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance.

"_Enter_ SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH.

_Sir Christ_. My niece and your niece too! By Heaven!

there's witchcraft in't.--He could not else Have gain'd their hearts.--But see where they approach Some horrid purpose lowering on their brows!

_Sir Walt_. Let us withdraw and mark them. [_They withdraw_.]"

_Sneer_. What is all this?

_Puff_. Ah! here has been more pruning!--but the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos.-- Now, gentlemen, this scene goes entirely for what we call situation and stage effect, by which the greatest applause may be obtained, without the a.s.sistance of language, sentiment, or character: pray mark!

"_Enter the two_ NIECES.

_1st Niece_. Ellena here! She is his scorn as much as I-- that is Some comfort still !"

_Puff_. O dear, madam, you are not to say that to her face!

--Aside, ma'am, aside.--The whole scene is to be aside.

"_1st Niece_. She is his scorn as much as I--that is Some comfort still. [_Aside_.]

_2nd Niece_. I know he prizes not Pollina's love; But Tilburina lords it o'er his heart. [_Aside_.]

_1st Niece_. But see the proud destroyer of my peace.

Revenge is all the good I've left. [_Aside_.]

_2nd Niece_. He comes, the false disturber of my quiet. Now vengeance do thy worst. [_Aside_.]

_Enter_ DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS.

_Whisk_. O hateful liberty--if thus in vain I seek my Tilburina!

_Both Nieces_. And ever shalt!

SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH _come forward_.

_Sir Christ. and Sir Walt_. Hold! we will avenge you.

_Whisk_. Hold _you_--or see your nieces bleed! [_The two_ NIECES _draw their two daggers to strike_ WHISKERANDOS: _the two_ UNCLES _at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two_ NIECES' _arms, and turn the points of their swords to_ WHISKERANDOS, _who immediately draws two daggers, and holds them to the two_ NIECES' _bosoms_.]"

_Puff._ There's situation for you! there's an heroic group!

--You see the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos--he durst not strike them, for fear of their uncles--the uncles durst not kill him, because of their nieces.--I have them all at a dead lock!--for every one of them is afraid to let go first.

_Sneer._ Why, then they must stand there for ever!

_Puff._ So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance for't.--Now mind-- "_Enter_ BEEFEATER, _with his halbert_.

_Beef._ In the queen's name I charge you all to drop Your swords and daggers!

[_They drop their swords and daggers_."]

_Sneer._ That is a contrivance indeed!

_Puff._ Ay--in the queen's name.

_Sir Christ._ Come, niece!

_Sir Walt._ Come, niece! [_Exeunt with the two_ NIECES.]

_Whisk._ What's he, who bids us thus renounce our guard?

_Beef._ Thou must do more--renounce thy love!

_Whisk._ Thou liest--base Beefeater!

_Beef._ Ha! h.e.l.l! the lie! By Heaven thou'st roused the lion in my heart! Off, yeoman's habit!--base disguise! off! off!

[_Discovers himself by throwing off his upper dress, and appearing in a very fine waistcoat._] Am I a Beefeater now? Or beams my crest as terrible as when In Biscay's Bay I took thy captive sloop?"

_Puff._ There, egad! he comes out to be the very captain of the privateer who had taken Whiskerandos prisoner--and was himself an old lover of Tilburina's.

_Dang._ Admirably managed, indeed!

_Puff._ Now, stand out of their way.