The Book of Gud Part 22

"But," interrupted the Statistician, "my side would have very few adherents; men do not fight to defend facts. We would be overwhelmed by superior numbers and annihilated."

"Certainly," said Gud, "what more could you expect if you espouse an unpopular cause?

"But why stand here babbling? See, your valorous enemy has already returned to his followers and is calling them to arms. Why do you not hasten to join your colors?"

"Thanks," replied the Statistician, "but I left a dummy in my place and I am going to stay right here and count the stars."

Chapter XLV

Pa.s.sing a heap of fossil plat.i.tudes Gud came to an oasis in a Desert of Righteousness and saw nineteen pretty murderers hanging in a row. There also he saw the couple who were parted at the altar, a woman who had lost her intuition, and a herd of ambitious animals who believed in the transmigration of souls.

Gud entered the caravansary of the place and bargained with the keeper thereof to make a supper with meat and wine--after which there should be dancing.

To the supper, Gud bade a Skeptic, a Cynic, a Critic and a Cryptic. And Gud and his guests made merry.

Gud blew four halos of phosph.o.r.escent smoke and gave one to each of his guests. Whereupon they were flattered and waxed loquacious, and the Cynic said to Gud: "If you had not insisted on following that Impossible Curve, but had come here by the straight way, how much sooner you would have joined us."

"True," agreed the Critic, "but the straight and narrow way would have seemed much further, for it lies wholly in the Desert of Righteousness."

"But most of all I hate to see," remarked the Cynic, "is a female cat sitting on a gravestone in the moonlight, after I carefully killed her the day before."

"Quite true," replied the Cryptic, with a weary shrug.

Chapter XLVI

Then the Skeptic related to Gud some of the gossip of the place. "We have here," said he, "a powerful sheik who rules over this oasis in the Desert of Righteousness. The sheik being old, had twenty young wives; and each of these wives had a lover. Came a time when the old sheik went on a journey but returned a day before he was expected. Finding only one of his wives in the harem, he called the masons and walled up the windows and doors of the place, and that is why the nineteen pretty murderers are hanging in a row."

"But," said Gud, "the story seems incomplete."

"Not at all," replied the Skeptic, "it is only that you do not understand our laws and customs. These things are relative, you know...."

"If you will listen well," spoke up the Cryptic, "I will expound relativity to you. Now, if a man should buy a lot on time and the lot had but two dimensions, then if time should be destroyed, could the real estate agent justly demand payment for the lot?"

"Why, certainly," answered Gud. "Is not the Impossible Curve in the Nth dimension?"

"But I have not told you yet," interrupted the Skeptic, "what the old sheik did. You see, he felt so remorseful that he endowed a School of Theological Mathematics, and each year he grants a doctor's dilemma to the young man who can most nearly solve the problem of the trinity."

"What is the solution?" asked Gud.

"We do not know," replied the Skeptic, "for as yet no man has ever solved it."

"But I was explaining relativity to our host," cried the Cryptic, "and you interrupt me with this trifling gossip. Now, if a ma.s.s of silence traveling at the speed of light, should be deflected by a caricature of a phantom magnetic force, would the energy engendered--"

But at that moment the keeper of the caravansary appeared in the doorway and looked upon Gud questioningly. Gud nodded to him approvingly, whereupon five beautiful damsels entered dancing to flats and sharps, and flute and cymbal.

So the discussion of relativity was forgotten, as all things of the intellect are forgotten, when damsels young and beautiful dance to lute and timbrel.

After there had been much joyous dancing, the Cynic plucked at Gud's sleeve and asked:

"Who be these beautiful damsels, who dance so divinely, and whence came they?"

And Gud made answer and said: "These damsels be the daughters of the Pope, but I know not whence they came."

Chapter XLVII

And it came to pa.s.s that as Gud was making a long journey to a certain place he neared a wayside inn, and being weary he entered and found six characters drinking tea.

"Good evening," spoke Gud. "Why are you drinking tea?"

"We are drinking tea," replied the Clerical Collar, "so that we can engage in theological disputation without cutting one another's throats."

"What is the dispute about?" asked Gud.

The Black Bathrobe made answer and said: "It concerns our belief in Gud."

"May I join you?" inquired Gud.

"Delighted!" cried the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes, not recognizing the caller.

Gud sat down and the Clerical Collar poured him a cup of hot water, but neglected to pa.s.s him the tea ball. Not wis.h.i.+ng to attract attention to the oversight, which he realized was due to the host's being absorbed in spiritual matters, Gud was about to convert the water into tea by a miracle. Upon second thought he refrained, lest the display of miraculous power would reveal his incognito. Still Gud did not like the idea of drinking water straight; so instead of performing a miracle he reached over and helped himself to the tea ball--noting, as he did so, how much simpler it is to get results by natural laws than by unnecessary miracles.

The venerable Beard being less wrought up over the disputation, explained the nature of the meeting to the newcomer. Said he: "We are all wors.h.i.+pers and ministers of the one true Gud, having been born and baptised in the faith and duly ordained in its ministry. But of late certain heresies have arisen among us, and we are gathered here to ferret out the heretic and bring him to the bar of ecclesiastical justice. Sad to confess, I find that I alone have remained staunch in our faith, which is founded on the rock of unchanging truth."

"Liar," cried out the Spectacles of the Student, "we modernists are also staunch in the faith; it is merely the conceit of fundamentalist bigotry to argue that truth cannot be changed. Indeed, it must be changed or intelligent people will cease to believe it."

"You are more accurate than expedient," admonished the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes. "The faith of the people is waning fast, but it will never be restored by your muddled mixtures of science and psychology.

What is needed is a great faith-arousing event, such as the trial and burning of a heretic, and for that purpose are we a.s.sembled here."

"Sad, but true," agreed the Threadbare Coat. "Any burning at the stake would tend to revive faith, but the revival would be much stronger if the burning flesh savored of heresy."

"What?" shrieked the horrified Spectacles of the Student. "Is it necessary to burn human flesh in this modern age? Would it not do quite as well to set fire to a cage of black cats? Surely the burning of cats would create a stench that would smell to high heaven."

"Tut, tut," sniffed the Clerical Collar.

Then the Venerable Beard spoke up n.o.bly. "The red hand of heresy grapples white faith by the throat. What is the use of all our theological blue laws if the black heart of atheism continues to control our yellow press?"