Law and Laughter Part 14

Lord President Campbell, after the fas.h.i.+on of those times, was somewhat addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lords.h.i.+p generally got it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His lords.h.i.+p had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is not for me to enter into any altercation with your lords.h.i.+p, for no one knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my lord, I have not your lords.h.i.+p's voice of thunder--I have not your lords.h.i.+p's rolling eye of command."

[Ill.u.s.tration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.]

Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear, abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coa.r.s.e than his own; he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by the working cla.s.ses of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed, "What are ye doin', ye d.a.m.ned auld ...," and then recollecting himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler gave up his place because his lords.h.i.+p's wife was always scolding him: "Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu'

ye're no mairred to her."

His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of these are too coa.r.s.e for repet.i.tion. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa, Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they d.a.m.ned sc.o.o.ndrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.

To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony c.o.o.nsel, man?"--"No,"

replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lords.h.i.+p says."

We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction; but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to aggravate their feelings by silly or coa.r.s.e remarks. This habit, however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his lords.h.i.+p to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his a.s.sociate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there were absolutely no ameliorating circ.u.mstances in the case. From this point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case, after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their relations, Lord c.o.c.kburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type of the connection between him and His redeemed Church."

In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This, however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same."

Lord c.o.c.kburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion, before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent.

Sentence of death was p.r.o.nounced, and the day of execution fixed for the 3rd of March. As Lord c.o.c.kburn was pa.s.sing the condemned man, the latter seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of March."

c.o.c.kburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle.

Turning to the farmer c.o.c.kburn said that they might be sold, but that he would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_ them.

He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh, talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on the hill. Said his lords.h.i.+p: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense."

Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord c.o.c.kburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lords.h.i.+p; "he has exhausted time and encroached on eternity."

When a young advocate, c.o.c.kburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they pa.s.sed through the garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when she failed to tell him he put the question to c.o.c.kburn, who at once replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the fruit and I did eat."

Jeffrey and c.o.c.kburn were counsel together in a case in which it was sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. c.o.c.kburn rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy ----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed,"

responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo frae a cauf!"

When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last, exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well, gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own statement is no soldier," &c.

Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice, was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr.

Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr.

Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend b.a.l.l.s."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed coat and a clean s.h.i.+rt, and n.o.body will know you." When at the Bar, Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson.

When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had "ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the following _jeu d'esprit_:

"When Brougham by Robertson was told He'd condescend a place to hold, The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes, Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size, 'That you a place would hold is true, But where's the place that would hold you?'"

Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an ill.u.s.tration to the Bench in connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court of Session and ask your lords.h.i.+ps to interfere?" and he turned round very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly."

When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In ill.u.s.tration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o'

drink!"

It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his lords.h.i.+p for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they argued. At last: "You're an a.s.s, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar, sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed points."

A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His lords.h.i.+p's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the expression."

Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories.

When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of another friend. His lords.h.i.+p lived at Newhailes--the property of one of the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising fas.h.i.+on, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lords.h.i.+p's manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of a.s.size. On the proposal being mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed."

[Ill.u.s.tration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.]

Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself.

Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus:

"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence."

In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the same thing?'

Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period, Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a t.i.tle ending in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and twenty-first psalm:

"I to the hills will lift mine eyes, From whence doth come mine aid."

Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth.

The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his lords.h.i.+p: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked: "No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself."

It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the lectures.h.i.+p delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium scarcely covers the risk."

Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may perhaps be quite a respectable man."

And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend, "you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length,"

was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord Advocate.

"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the commission," replied his lords.h.i.+p.

An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation."

In a fis.h.i.+ng case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his lords.h.i.+p turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts."

Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given, were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory:

"He was a burglar stout and strong, Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong, To open trunks and rifle shelves, For G.o.d helps those who help themselves.'

But when before the Court he came, And boldly rose to plead the same, The judge replied--'That's very true; You've helped yourself--_now G.o.d help you!_'"