Story of My Life Part 64

"'Mary and Arthur and Kate and Emmie and Mamie, faithful servants of Christ, to meet me there in His kingdom.

"'Let peace and love remain with you always. This is my great wish, peace and love ... peace and love.'

"After saying this, my mother solemnly folded her trembling hands together on her breast, and looking up to heaven, said, 'Oh, Lord Jesus, come quickly, and may all these meet me again in Thy kingdom!' As she said this, my darling's eyes seemed fixed upon another world.

"After this I begged the others to leave me alone with her, and then my dearest one said to me, 'Yes, darling, our love for one another on earth is coming to an end now. We have loved one another very deeply. I don't know how far communion will be still possible, but I soon _shall_ know; and if it be possible, I shall still be always near you. I shall so love to see and know all you are doing, and to watch over you; and when you hear a little breeze go rustling by, you must think it is the old Mother still near you....

You will do all I wish, darling, I know. I need not write, you will carry out all my wishes.'--'Yes, dearie,' I said, 'it will be my only comfort when you are gone to do all you would have wished.

I will always stay at Holmhurst, darling, and I will continue going to Alton, and I will do everything else I can think of that you would like.'

"'Yes, and you must try to conquer self ... to serve G.o.d here, and then we may be together again in heaven.... Oh, we _must_ be together again there.'

"Lea now came in, and my darling stroked her face while she sobbed convulsively. 'Your long work is done at last,' Mother said; 'I have been a great trouble to you both, and perhaps it is as well I should be taken away now, for I am quite worn out. Tell John and all of them that I am sorry to leave them, but perhaps it was for the best; for this is not an illness; it is that I am worn out....

You and Augustus will stay together and comfort one another when I am gone, and you will bear with one another's infirmities and help one another. The great thing of all is to be able to confess that one has been in the wrong. Oh, peace and love, peace and love, these are the great things.'

"'Have I been a good child to you, dearest?' I said. 'Oh, yes, indeed--dear and good, dear and good; a little wilful perhaps you used to be, but not lately; you have been all good to me lately--dear and good.'--('Yes, that he has,' said Lea.)--'Faithful and good,' my darling repeated, 'both of you faithful and good.'

"Charlotte now came in. 'Here is Charlotte.'--'Dear Charlotte! Oh yes, I know you. I do not know whether there will be any communication where I am going, but if there is, I shall be very near you. I am going to rest ... rest everlasting. Be a mother to my child. Comfort him when I am gone ... give him good advice....

You know what suggestions I should make.... You will say to him what I should say ... and if he could have a good wife, that would be the best thing ... for what would you do, my child, in this lonely world?... No, a good wife, that is what I wish for you--a good wife and a family home.

"'And now I should like to speak to kind Mrs. Woodward' (she came in). 'Thank you so much; you have been very good and kind to me, dear Mrs. Woodward. I am going fast to my heavenly home. I have said all I meant to have written all the time I have been ill, and have never been able ... my mouth has been opened that I might speak.'"

"7 A.M. _March 3._--'Oh, it is quite beautiful. Good-bye, my own dearest! I cannot believe that you will look up into the clouds and think that I am only there ... but you will also see me in the flowers and in my friends, and in all that I have loved.'

"8 A.M.--With the morning light my dearest Mother has seemed to become more rapt in holy thoughts and visions, her eyes more intently fixed on the unseen world. At last, with a look of rapture she has exclaimed, 'Oh, angels, I see angels!' and since then pain seems to have left her.

"8-1/2 A.M.--(To Lea.) 'You will take care of him and comfort him, as you have always taken care of me: you have been a dear servant to me.'--'Yes,' said Lea, 'I will always stay with him and take care of him as long as I live. I took care of your dear husband, and I have taken care of you, and I will take care of him as long as he wants me.' 'Darling sweet,' I said to her. 'Yes, darling sweet,' she repeated, with inexpressible tenderness. 'I always hear the tender words you say to me, dear, even in my dreams.' Then she said also to Mrs. Woodward, 'You have been very kind to us; you will comfort Augustus when he is left desolate: you know what sorrow is, you have gone through the valley.... It seems so much worse for others than for me.... For then I shall begin really to live.'

"All this time my darling lay with her eyes upturned and an expression of rapt beat.i.tude. The nurse says that in her forty years' nursing she never saw any one like this, so quiet, so happy.

'Nothing ever puts her out or makes her complain: I never saw anything like it.'[368]

"8-1/2 A.M.--'It is very difficult to _realise_ that when you are absent from the body you are present with the Lord.'

"10 A.M.--Dr. Grilli says she may live till evening, even possibly into the night. She has just said, a little wandering, 'You know in a few days some pretty sweet violets will come up, and that will be all that will be left to you of the dear Mother.'

"11-1/2 A.M.--She has taken leave of Emma Simpkinson and Miss Garden. When I came in she took my hand and said, 'And you, darling, I shall always think of you, and you will think of me. I shall spring up again like the little violets, and I shall put on an incorruptible body. I shall be always floating over you and watching over you somehow: we shall never be separated; and my body will rest beside that of my dear husband. So strange it should be here; perhaps, if it had been anywhere else, I might have wished to get better, but as it was here, the temptation was too great. I am quite worn out. I thought I could not get better after my last illness, and I _was_ given back to you for a little while, though I have always felt very weak, but I shall be quite well now.'

"10 A.M. _March 4._--All night she wandered gently, saying that she would 'go out and play with the little children; for there can be nothing bad amongst very little children.' In the morning Charlotte still thought there was a chance of her rallying, but Emma Simpkinson and I both think her sinking, and Dr. Grilli says that 'sussulti tendin?si' of the pulses have come on, and that there is not the slightest hope. It can probably only be two hours, though it may last till evening. He has formally taken leave, saying that medicine is useless, and that it is no use for him to return any more. Since the early morning my darling has been lying with her hand in mine, leaning her head against mine on the pillow, her eyes turned upwards, her lips constantly moving in inarticulate prayer.

She has asked, 'What day is it? I think it is my birthday to-day.'

I have not told her it is her father's birthday, as I believe it will be her own birthday in heaven.

"11 A.M.--She has again appeared to be at the last extremity.

Raising her eyes to heaven and taking my hand, she has prayed fervently but inaudibly. Then she prayed audibly for blessings for me and Lea, and, with a grateful look to Emma, added, 'And for dear Emma too.'

"1 P.M.--She wandered a little, and asked if the battle was over.

'Yes,' said Lea, 'and the victory won.'

"1-1/2 P.M.--'I am all straight now, no more crookedness.... You must do something, dear, to build yourself up; you must be a good deal pulled down by all this.... Rest now, but work, work for G.o.d in life.

"'Don't expect too much good upon earth.

"'Don't expect too much perfection in one another.

"'Work for eternity.

"'Only try for love.

"2 P.M.--'Oh, how happy I am! I have everything I want here and hereafter.'

"2.10.--(With eyes uplifted and hands clasped.) ... 'Living water.

The Lamb, the Lamb is the life.'

"2.15.--C. L. repeated at her request 'Abide with me, fast falls the eventide.'

"2.30.--The dear Mother herself, with her changed voice, clasped hands, and uplifted eyes, has repeated the hymn 'Just as I am, without one plea.'

"3 P.M.--'I am glad I am not going to stay. I could not do you any more good, and I am _so_ happy.'

"4 P.M.--(With intense fervour.) 'O G.o.d, O G.o.d! G.o.d alone can save--one and eternal. Amen! Amen!'

"4.15.--'Let us be one in heaven, dear, as we are one on earth.'

"4.30.--'Oh, let me go.... I have said I was ready to go so often, but you won't give me up.' I said, 'I think you had better try to sleep a little now, darling.'--'Yes, but let it be the last: I have had so many, many last sleeps.'--'You are in no pain now, dearie?'

I said. 'Oh no, no pain; there is no pain on the borderland of heaven.

"'May He who ruleth all, both in heaven and earth, bless you, my child--bless you and keep you from ill. Love, love, perfect love, love on earth and then love in heaven.... I can hear words from the upper world now and none from the nearer. They have taught me things that were dark to me before.'

"5 P.M.--'Peace be with you, peace and love.

"'Sin below, grace above.

"'We sinners below, Christ above.

"'All love, all truth in Jesus Christ, my Lord and my G.o.d.'

"5-1/2 P.M.--'Oh, let it be. It could not be better--no doubt, no difficulty.... All the good things of this world, what are they?...

soon pa.s.s away--pride, vanity, vexation of spirit; but oh! love!

love!' It was after saying these words that my darling's face became quite radiant, and that she looked upward with an expression of rapture. 'I see a white dove,' she said, 'oh, such a beautiful white dove, floating towards me.' Soon after this she exclaimed, 'Oh, Lord Jesus, oh, come quickly'.... When she opened her eyes, 'What a wilful child you are! you will not let your mother depart, and she is _so_ ready.'--'Is it he who keeps you?' said C. L. 'No, a better One; but let me go or let me stay, O Lord, I have no will but Thine.'"[369]

"2 A.M. _March 5._--During the night she has prayed constantly aloud for various relations and friends by name, and often for me.

Once she said, 'Ever upright, ever just, sometimes irritable, weak in temperament, that others should love him as I have done ... and a good wife, that is what I have always thought.'

"8 P.M. _March 5._--Twice to-day there has been a sudden sinking of nature, life almost extinct, and then, owing to the return of fever, there has been a rally. She became excited if I left her even for a moment, so through last night and to-day I have constantly sat behind her on the bed, supporting her head on a pillow in my arms.

"10 P.M.--Emma Simpkinson is come for the night, but there is a strange change. My mother is asleep! quietly asleep--the fever is reduced after the aconite which I insisted upon, and which the hom?opathic doctor said _must_ end her life in half-an-hour.