More Toasts Part 14

It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimed that bach.e.l.lors generally have better quarters.

BAGGAGE

TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much is it for me to Latchford?"

CABBY--"Two s.h.i.+llings, sir."

TOMMY--"How much for my luggage?"

CABBY--"Free, sir."

TOMMY--"Take the luggage, I'll walk."

BALDNESS

BALD HEADED GUEST--"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?"

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in your bedroom."

SCEPTIC--"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, why don't you use it?"

SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)--"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance to bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness."--_Punch_.

"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist I ever met," said the druggist.

"That so?" asked the customer.

"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer he bought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'd need them in a few days."

Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condoling with each other on their increasing baldness.

"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers who lose their hair."

"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so, Sam?" appealing to the porter.

"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad said dat an empty bahn doan need no cover."

BANKS AND BANKING

Before the pa.s.sage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin, starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. The surprizingly small amount of capital needed is well ill.u.s.trated by the story a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked how he happened to enter the banking business:

"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an empty store building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I was open for business a man came in and deposited a hundred dollars with me; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundred and fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I got confidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!"

A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam deposited ten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out his money. When he presented his check the colored cas.h.i.+er looked at it doubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank, but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In a minute he came back and said: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, n.i.g.g.e.r, de interes' done eat up dat money."

"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my money is in a bad way."

"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one of the strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you that idea?"

"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30 marked 'No funds.'"

A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, I want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar if you direct me to it."

With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and he led the man to a building a half-block away.

The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was a half-dollar easily earned."

"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directors is paid high in Noo Yawk."

HE--"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the bank is already overdrawn."

SHE--"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keep your account in a bank that has plenty of money?"

A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked the cas.h.i.+er to discount his note. The bank cas.h.i.+er said:

"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one you know, a responsible man, to indorse it."

Cohen said to the cas.h.i.+er: "You know me, und you're responsible; you indorse it."

BAPTISM

"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently been baptized.

"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimming with the preacher last Sunday."