More Toasts Part 184

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies.

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching.

SERVANTS

MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."

BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree weeks."

While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they pa.s.sed an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help Supplied."

"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"

Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street.

"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?"

"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se capering for a congressman."

WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but somewhat out of style."

HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"

WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't offend her for the world."

MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise said she had such a treasure."

MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal her."

MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening."

COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"

NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?"

NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'."

MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean?

How did this policeman get here?"

COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over by the last cook."

"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."

"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the family."

"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved out here," said Mr. Crosslots.

"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted with her."

Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.

The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs.

Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:

"Tickets no good; you can't come in."

MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me."

BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of company."

Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.

"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who sat between them.

"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she calls on my cook."

MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"

MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone."