The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 13

TALLEYRAND AGAIN.

MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now."

AN EVENING PARTY.

A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had best go home."

SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.

"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin'

room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes.

'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin'

an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with you; s.h.i.+verin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,'

says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State, too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with you.'"--_Sam Slick._

A GREAT CALF.

SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._

TAXATION.

THERE is one pa.s.sage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of Europe seem to have given their unanimous a.s.sent and approbation, and to have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers'

ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Caesar, that all the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._

AN ITINERANT MARTYR.

"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How,"

replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, and as the public didn't, you left."

SEE--SAW.

"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever _saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_."

FELLOW-FEELING.

A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"

MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS.

THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a pet.i.tion that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."

WHAT IS A SPOON?

A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing them. This is like the definition of a "m.u.f.f," viz., a thing which holds a lady's hand without squeezing it.

A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.

"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff.

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill.

"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of London, and you avail yourself of the circ.u.mstance to give out that you are younger than you are."