The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 65

"I CANNOT conceive," said one n.o.bleman to another, "how you manage; my estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do."

"My lord, I have a place."

"A place! I never heard of it; what place?"

"I am _my own steward_."

LET US START FAIR.

MANY years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the midst of his sermon, the alarm was given, _A wreck! a wreck!_ The congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start fair!"

DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

AN Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him.

You are thin, and I am thin; but he is _thinner than both of us put together_."

A MISUNDERSTANDING.

A POOR curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old score."

A STORY TELLER.

A PERSON of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying----"

A RETORT.

AN Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your _whiskers_ on the _peace establishment_?" His lords.h.i.+p answered, "When you put your _tongue_ on the _civil list_."

A LOUD LETTER.

"WHAT are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."

GO THE WHOLE.

A PEASANT, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the remainder soon."

SHARP BOY.

A MAN driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, "Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the cow out himself.

HIGH FAMILY.

A PERSON was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland.

"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high that their feet could not touch the ground."

SETTLING.

"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?"

"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old _settlers_."

CAUSE OF REGRET.

A LAD, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that he would leave him _nothing to gain_; I on the contrary weep for fear that you will leave me _nothing to lose_."