Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 12

A customer asked, pointing to the sign:

"Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?"

"It is," replied the proprietor.

"Then," said the man with a reminiscent look, "give me a cup of tea."

_Wasn't Delicate at All_

A young man, not regarded as a very desirable suitor, had called upon a young lady a number of times, each time to be told by the maid that "Miss Florence was not well today."

One day, in response to his card, the young lady's mother, who was a recent accession to the newly-rich ranks, and whose education was not as sure as it might be, appeared and explained once more to the young man that the daughter was not well.

"I am very sorry, indeed," said the young man as he rose to go, "that your daughter is so delicate."

"Delicate?" sniffed the mother; "Florence dell'cate? Not at all.

Why, she is the most indelicate girl you ever met."

_A Live Topic_

A member of the faculty of the University of Chicago, according to "Harper's Weekly," tells of the sad case of a young woman from Indiana who was desirous of attaining social prominence in Chicago.

Soon after her arrival there she made the acquaintance of a student at the university to whom she took a great fancy.

Evidently it was at this time she realized for the first time that her early education had been neglected, for she said to a friend:

"I suppose that, as he is a college man, I'll have to be awful careful what I say. Whatever will I talk about to him?"

The friend suggested history as a safe topic. To her friend's astonishment she took the advice seriously, and shortly commenced in earnest to "bone up" in English history.

When the young man called, the girl listened for some time with ill-concealed impatience to his talk of football, outdoor meets, dances, etc., but finally she decided to take the matter in her own hands. She had not done all that reading for nothing; so, a pause in the conversation affording the desired opportunity, she suddenly exclaimed, with considerable vivacity:

"Wasn't it awful about Mary, Queen of Scots?"

"Why, what's the matter?" stammered the student, confused.

"My gracious!" almost yelled the girl from Indiana, "didn't you know?

Why, the poor thing had her head cut off!"

_The After-College Girl's Complaint_

A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the room.

"Your daughter," said the visitor, "seems to be suffering from the heat."

"No," said the hostess. "She is just back home from college and she is suffering from the family grammar."

_It All Seemed So Unnecessary_

A city man once had occasion, says "Lippincott's Magazine," to stop at a country home where a tin basin and a roller-towel on the back porch sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the "hired man"

of the household watched in silence the visitor's efforts at making a toilette under the unfavorable auspices, but when on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used and returned to their places in the traveler's grip, he could suppress his curiosity no longer, so boldly put the question: "Say, Mister, air you always that much trouble to yo'se'f?"

_Overdid it a Bit_

A famous statesman prided himself on his success in campaigning, when called upon to reach a man's vote through his family pride.

On one of his tours he pa.s.sed through a country town when he came suddenly upon a charming group--a comely woman with a bevy of little ones about her--in a garden. He stopped short, then advanced and leaned over the front gate.

"Madam," he said In his most ingratiating way, "may I kiss these beautiful children?"

"Certainly, sir," the lady answered demurely.

"They are lovely darlings," said the campaigner after he had finished the eleventh. "I have seldom seen more beautiful babies. Are they all yours, marm?"

The lady blushed deeply.

"Of course they are--the sweet little treasures," he went on. "From whom else, marm, could they have inherited these limpid eyes, these rosy cheeks, these profuse curls, these comely figures and these musical voices?"

The lady continued blus.h.i.+ng.

"By-the-way, marm," said the statesman, "may I bother you to tell your estimable husband that ------, the Republican candidate for Governor, called upon him this evening?"

"I beg your pardon," said the lady, "I have no husband."

"But these children, madam--you surely are not a widow ?"

"I fear you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up. These are not my children. This is an orphan asylum!"

_One on the Doctor That Time_

A prominent physician, whose specialty was physical diagnosis, required his patients, before entering his private consultation-room, to divest themselves of all superfluous clothing in order to save time. One day a man presented himself without having complied with this requirement.

"Why do you come in here without complying with my rules?" demanded the doctor. "Just step into that side room and remove your clothing and then I'll see you. Next patient, please!"

The man did as requested, and after a time presented himself in regular order duly divested of his clothing.