Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 21

"I simply can't eat this soup!" once more said the guest, in a low, emphatic tone.

By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor, while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with curious glances.

"Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can't you eat any of our soups?" demanded the proprietor.

"Because I have no spoon," replied the guest quietly.

_Why He Would Like It_

The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family table:

"Father, I wish I could be 'a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,'

as you said this morning."

"Indeed," said the minister-father, with a pleased look across the table at his wife.

"Yes," said the boy, "for then I wouldn't have to listen to the sermon."

_Why Mr. Duffy's Nose was Red_

The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hamps.h.i.+re, says "The Boston Herald," was well known for his life-long total abstinence from intoxicants, which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that his nose was very red.

On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in his neighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars. To gain the good graces of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, to which invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.

The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said: "I say, old man, what are you going to have?"

"I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink," was Duffy's quiet reply.

"What, you never drink?" said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh.

"Now, if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes that nose of yours so red?"

The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibility of the old gentleman, and he replied: "Sir-r, it is glowing with proid because it is kept out of other people's business."

_Why He Knew_

A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion to question a boy witness in a criminal suit.

"Now, my boy," said the Judge, "are you sure that you know the nature and significance of an oath--that is, what an oath really means?"

The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered:

"Why, of course I do, Judge. Don't I caddy for you at the Country Club?"

_Her Idea of Remembrance_

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.

Said the cook:

"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes bus' it on de grave, an' let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"

_Did He Win Her_?

Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a "Life" story, then, as he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaning emphasis, "You are to be married."

"Mercy me! To whom?" was the startled reply.

"To me; I came today on purpose to tell you."

_The Dog wasn't Touched_

"Madam," said the conductor as he punched a ticket, "I am very sorry, but you can't have your dog in this car. It is against the rules."

"I shall hold him in my lap all the way," she replied, "and he will not disturb any one."

"That makes no difference," said the conductor. "Dogs must ride in the baggage-car. I'll take and fasten him for you."

"Don't you touch my dog, sir," exclaimed the young lady excitedly.

"I will trust him to no one," and with indignant tread she marched to the baggage-car, tied her dog and said: "Remember, please, I don't want a soul here to touch my dog or untie him: you understand?"

The baggage crew said they did.

As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the conductor, asked: "Is my dog all right?"

"I don't know, miss," replied the conductor.

"Don't know?" she replied. "Why don't you know? It's your business to know. You haven't touched him or untied him?"

"No; we didn't touch or untie him, and that's just it. You tied him to a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be put off, and so we threw the dog off with the trunk!"

_Not the Kind She Wanted_

"Which way, please, to the corset department?" she asked of the floor-walker.

"Straight back, madam."