Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 29

_She Didn't Sleep Well_

A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in a distant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat. It was the first time she had ever traveled by water. She reached her journey's end extremely fatigued. To a friend who remarked it she replied:

"Yes, I'm tired to death. I don't know as I care to travel by water again. I read the card in my stateroom about how to put the life-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess I didn't. Somehow, I couldn't go to sleep with the thing on."

_They Planned a Little Surprise for Him_

On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large, muscular man fell asleep and annoyed all the pa.s.sengers by snoring tremendously. Reading, conversation or quiet rest was an impossibility. Finally a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand, tiptoed over to a little boy who sat behind the snorer.

"Son," said the drummer impressively, "I am a doctor, and if that man doesn't stop snoring he'll die of apoplexy. Watch your chance, and as soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze this lemon into it."

_He Knew Only One_

A teacher had been telling her cla.s.s of boys that recently worms had become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to import the English sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our native birds.

Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to catch him napping, said;

"Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?"

Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied:

"Please, I never had the sparrows."

_He Proved It Was Logical_

A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court:

"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs."

"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.

He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's a.s.sistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.

_The Old Man Knew Best_

"I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman,"

read the testimonial. "John," she said in a shrill, piping voice, "I think this is exactly what I need. I have been feeling bad for quite a spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel. I believe I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new woman out of me."

"Not much, Maria," said John, with tremendous earnestness. "Not if I know it. I don't mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad, but I ain't a-goin' to have you made into any of these here new women, gaddin' about the city to women's clubs and savin' the country that don't need savin'. You jest mix up some sulphur and mola.s.ses and take it, and you will feel better, but don't let me hear no more of this new-woman nonsense."

_Watch and Pray_

A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country inn where it had been his lot to spend the night. As he approached the table he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting.

He closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing a Quaker gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile, reached over quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.

Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared to enjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.

The jolly Quaker, eying the Bishop, at the same time demolis.h.i.+ng the trout, said with feigned solemnity:

"Bishop, thee must 'watch and pray'--'watch and pray.'"

_No Doubt About That_

The fresh spring breezes were blowing through the open windows of the schoolroom, and George Was.h.i.+ngton was the momentous question in hand.

"Why do you think George Was.h.i.+ngton was the first man?" asked the teacher.

"Because he was 'first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.'"

Another boy then raised his hand.

"Well, Johnny, who do you think was the first man?" said the teacher.

"Don't know his name," answered Johnny, "but I know George Was.h.i.+ngton was not the first man, 'cause my history says he married a widow, so there must have been a man ahead of him."

_All's Fair in Love_

A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forthcoming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but dest.i.tute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."

"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blus.h.i.+ng bride, "to go and get the money."

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a t.i.ttle uneasy.

"Anything on your mind, Catherine ?" said the father.

"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now."

"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."

"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the marriage?"

"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with your marriage."