The Book of Humorous Verse Part 48

An' so he'd set an' flosserfize About the earth, an' sea, an' skies, An' scratch his head, an' ask the cause Of w'at there wuz before time wuz, An' w'at the universe 'd do Bimeby w'en time hed all got through; An' jest how fur we'd have to climb Ef we sh'd travel out er time; An' ef we'd need, w'en we got there, To keep our watches in repair.

Then, ef his wife she'd ask the gawk Ef he wouldn't kinder try to walk To where she had the table spread, An' kinder git his stomach fed, He'd leap for that ar kitchen door, An' say, "W'y didn't you speak afore?"

An' when he'd got his supper et, He'd set, an' set, an' set, an' set, An' fold his arms, an' shet his eyes, An' set, an' set, an' flosserfize.

_Sam Walter Foss._

THE MEETING OF THE CLABBERHUSES

I

He was the Chairman of the Guild Of Early Pleiocene Patriarchs; He was chief Mentor of the Lodge Of the Oracular Oligarchs; He was the Lord High Autocrat And Vizier of the Sons of Light, And Sultan and Grand Mandarin Of the Millennial Men of Might.

He was Grand Totem and High Priest Of the Independent Potentates; Grand Mogul of the Galaxy Of the Ill.u.s.trious Stay-out-lates; The President of the Dandydudes, The Treasurer of the Sons of Glee; The Leader of the Clubtown Band And Architects of Melody.

II

She was Grand Worthy Prophetess Of the Ill.u.s.trious Maids of Mark; Of Vestals of the Third Degree She was Most Potent Matriarch; She was High Priestess of the Shrine Of Clubtown's Culture Coterie, And First Vice-President of the League Of the ill.u.s.trious G. A. B.

She was the First Dame of the Club For teaching Patagonians Greek; She was Chief Clerk and Auditor Of Clubtown's Anti-Bachelor Clique; She was High Treasurer of the Fund For Borrioboolighalians, And the Fund for Sending Browning's Poems To Native-born Australians.

III

Once to a crowded social fete Both these much-t.i.tled people came, And each perceived, when introduced, They had the selfsame name.

Their hostess said, when first they met: "Permit me now to introduce My good friend Mr. Clabberhuse To Mrs. Clabberhuse."

"'Tis very strange," said she to him, "Such an unusual name!-- A name so very seldom heard, That we should bear the same."

"Indeed, 'tis wonderful," said he, "And I'm surprised the more, Because I never heard the name Outside my home before.

"But now I come to look at you,"

Said he, "upon my life, If I am not indeed deceived, You are--you are--my wife."

She gazed into his searching face And seemed to look him through; "Indeed," said she, "it seems to me You are my husband, too.

"I've been so busy with my clubs And in my various spheres I have not seen you now," she said, "For over fourteen years."

"That's just the way it's been with me, These clubs demand a sight"-- And then they both politely bowed, And sweetly said "Good night."

_Sam Walter Foss._

THE IDEAL HUSBAND TO HIS WIFE

We've lived for forty years, dear wife, And walked together side by side, And you to-day are just as dear As when you were my bride.

I've tried to make life glad for you, One long, sweet honeymoon of joy, A dream of marital content, Without the least alloy.

I've smoothed all boulders from our path, That we in peace might toil along, By always hastening to admit That I was right and you were wrong.

No mad diversity of creed Has ever sundered me from thee; For I permit you evermore To borrow your ideas of me.

And thus it is, through weal or woe, Our love forevermore endures; For I permit that you should take My views and creeds, and make them yours.

And thus I let you have my way, And thus in peace we toil along, For I am willing to admit That I am right and you are wrong.

And when our matrimonial skiff Strikes snags in love's meandering stream, I lift our shallop from the rocks, And float as in a placid dream.

And well I know our marriage bliss While life shall last will never cease; For I shall always let thee do, In generous love, just what I please.

Peace comes, and discord flies away, Love's bright day follows hatred's night; For I am ready to admit That you are wrong and I am right.

_Sam Walter Foss._

DISTICHS

Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her.

This one may love her some day; some day the lover will not.

There are three species of creatures who when they seem coming are going, When they seem going they come: Diplomats, women, and crabs.

As the meek beasts in the Garden came flocking for Adam to name them, Men for a t.i.tle to-day crawl to the feet of a king.

What is a first love worth except to prepare for a second?

What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first.

_John Hay._

THE HEN-ROOST MAN

De Hen-roost Man he'll preach about Paul, An' James an' John, an' Herod, an' all, But nuver a word about Peter, oh, no!

He's afeard he'll hear dat rooster crow.

An' he ain't by 'isself in dat, in dat-- An' he ain't by 'isself in dat.

_Ruth McEnery Stuart._

IF THEY MEANT ALL THEY SAID

Charm is a woman's strongest arm; My charwoman is full of charm; I chose her, not for strength of arm But for her strange, elusive charm.

And how tears heighten woman's powers!