History of English Humour Volume I Part 11

"Smite, I say Gammer, Bite, I say Gammer, Where be your nails? Claw her by the jawes Pull me out both her eyen.

Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, Pull out her thrott."

On some one giving Hodge a good slap, the needle runs into him, and is thus happily found.

At the opening of the second act of Gammer Gurton there is a drinking song, which deserves notice as it was the first written in English,--

"I cannot eat but little meat My stomack is not good: But sure I think that I can drink With him that wears a hood.

Though I go bare, take ye no care I nothing am a colde; I stuff my skin so full within Of ioly good ale and olde.

Backe and side go bare, go bare, Booth foot and hand go colde; But belly, G.o.d send thee good ale inoughe, Whether it be new or olde;

"I love no rost, but a nut browne toste And a crab laid in the fire; A little bread shall do me stead Moche bread I noght desire.

No frost, no snow, no wind I trowe Can hurt me if I wolde.

I am so wrapt and throwly lapt Of ioly good ale and olde.

Backe and side, &c.

"And Tib my wife, that as her life Loveth well good ale to seeke, Full oft drinkes shee, till ye may see The teares run downe her cheeke.

Then doth she trowle to me the bowle Even as a mault-worm sholde, And saith 'sweet heart I tooke my part Of this ioly good ale and olde.'

Backe and side, &c.

"Now let them drinke, till they nod and winke, Even as good fellows should do; They shall not misse to have the blisse Good ale doth bring men to.

And al goode sowles that have scoured bowles, Or have them l.u.s.tely trolde, G.o.d save the lives of them and their wives Whether they be yong or olde.

Backe and side, &c."

CHAPTER IV.

ROBERT GREENE.

Robert Greene--Friar Bacon's Demons--The "Looking Gla.s.se"--Nash and Harvey.

One of the princ.i.p.al humorists at this time was Robert Greene, born at Norwich about 1560. He was educated at Cambridge, and was generally styled "Robert Greene, Maister of Artes." Early in life he became, as he tells us, "an author of playes and a penner of love pamphlets." From the t.i.tles of some of them, and from his motto, "_Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci_," it is evident that they were intended to be humorous. Thus, his "Euphues" professes to contain "Mirth to purge Melancholy;" his "Quips for an Vpstart Courtier" is "A Quaint Dispute between Velvet-breeches and Cloth-breeches," and his "Notable Discovery of Coosnage" has "a delightfull discourse of the coosnage of Colliers;"

his "Second and last part of conny-catching" has "new additions containing many merry tales of all lawes worth the reading, because they are worthy to be remembered. Discoursing strange cunning coosnage, which if you reade without laughing, Ile give you my cap for a n.o.ble." But in all these works there is but little humour, and what we learn in reading them is, that a very small amount of it was then thought considerable, and that stories, which we should think slightly entertaining, appeared in that simple age to be very ingenious and even comic. In the "Comicall Historie of Alphonsus, King of Arragon," we do not find anything that could have possibly been humorous, unless the speaking of a brazen head, and the letting Venus down from Heaven and drawing her up again, could have been so regarded. Greene is characteristic of his time in his love of introducing magic and enchanters, and of characters from cla.s.sic and scripture history. In the "Looking-Gla.s.se for London and England," in which our metropolis is compared to Nineveh, we have angels and magicians brought in. "A hand out of a cloud threateneth a burning sword," and "Jonas is cast out of the whale's belly upon the stage."

Greene is fond of introducing devils. In "The Honourable Historie of Frier Bacon and Frier Bongay," Ralph says, "Why, Sirrah Ned we'll ride to Oxford to Friar Bacon. O! he is a brave scholar, sirrah; they say he is a brave necromancer, that he can make women of devils, and he can juggle cats into coster-mongers." Further on in the same play a devil and Miles, Bacon's servant, enter.

_Miles._ A scholar, quoth you; marry, Sir, I would I had been a bottle maker, when I was made a scholar, for I can get neither to be a deacon, reader, nor schoolmaster. No, not the clerk of the parish. Some call me dunce, another saith my head is full of Latin, as an egg's full of oatmeal: thus I am tormented that the devil and Friar Bacon haunt me. Good Lord, here's one of my master's devils!

I'll go speak to him. What Master Plutus, how cheer you?

_D._ Dost know me?

_M._ Know you, Sir? Why are not you one of my master's devils, that were wont to come to my master, Doctor Bacon at Brazen-Nose?

_D._ Yes, marry am I.

_M._ Good Lord, Master Plutus, I have seen you a thousand times at my master's; and yet I had never the manners to make you drink.

But, Sir, I am glad to see how comformable you are to the statutes.

I warrant you he's as yeomanly a man as you shall see; mark you, masters, here's a plain honest man without welt or guard. But I pray you Sir, do you come lately from h.e.l.l?

_D._ Ay, marry, how then?

_M._ Faith, 'tis a place I have desired long to see: have you not good tippling houses there? May not a man have a l.u.s.ty fire there, a good pot of ale, a pair of cards, a swinging piece of chalk, and a brown toast that will clap a white waistcoat on a cup of good drink.

_D._ All this you may have there.

_M._ You are for me, friend, and I am for you. But I pray you, may I not have an office there?

_D._ Yes, a thousand; what wouldst thou be?

_M._ By my troth, Sir, in a place where I may profit myself. I know h.e.l.l is a hot place, and men are marvellous dry, and much drink is spent there. I would be a tapster.

In one play Greene introduces a court-fool, and he mixes with the stupidity and knavery of his clowns, a sort of artificial philosophy and argumentative ingenuity, which savours much of the old jesters. In "James the Fourth" Slipper says:--

O mistress, mistress, may I turn a word upon you?

_Countess._ Friend, what wilt thou?

_Slipper._ O! what a happy gentlewoman be you truly; the world reports this of you, mistress, that a man can no sooner come to your house, but the butler comes with a black-jack, and says, "Welcome, friend, here's a cup of the best for you," verily, mistress, you are said to have the best ale in all Scotland.

_Countess._ Sirrah, go fetch him drink [_an attendant brings drink._] How likest thou this?

_Slip._ Like it mistress! why this is quincy quarie, pepper de watchet, single goby, of all that ever I tasted. I'll prove in this ale, and toast the compa.s.s of the whole world. First, this is the earth; it ties in the middle a fair brown toast, a goodly country for hungry teeth to dwell upon; next this is the sea, a fair pool for a dry tongue to fish in; now come I, and seeing the world is naught, I divide it thus: and because the sea cannot stand without the earth, as Aristotle saith, I put them both into their first chaos, which is my belly, and so, mistress, you may see your ale is become a miracle.

Further on Slipper again shows his readiness in dialogue--

_Sir Bartram._ Ho, fellow! stay and let me speak with thee.

_Slip._ Fellow! friend thou dost abuse me: I am a gentleman.

_Sir B._ A gentleman! how so?

_Slip._ Why, I rub horses, Sir.

_Sir B._ And what of that?

_Slip._ O simple-witted! mark my reason. They that do good service in the commonweal are gentlemen, but such as rub horses do good service in the commonweal, _ergo_, tarbox, master courtier, a horse-keeper is a gentleman.

_Sir B._ Here is over much wit in good earnest. But, sirrah, where is thy master?

_Slip._ Neither above ground nor under ground; drawing out red into white, swallowing that down without chawing, which was never made without treading.

_Sir B._ Why, where is he then?

_Slip._ Why in his cellar, drinking a cup of neat and brisk claret in a bowl of silver. Oh, Sir, the wine runs trillill down his throat, which cost the poor vintner many a stamp before it was made. But I must hence, Sir, I have haste.

Sir Bertram intimates that he wants his a.s.sistance, and will pay him.