History of English Humour Volume I Part 21

_Law._ No, Sir; we lawyers have pretty good memories.

_Man._ You ought to have by your wits.

_Law._ O, you are a merry gentleman, Sir; I remember you were merry when I was last in your company.

_Man._ I was never merry in your company, Mr. Lawyer, sure.

_Law._ Why I am sure you joked upon me, and shammed me all night long.

_Man._ Shammed! prithee what barbarous law-term is that?

_Law._ Shamming! why, don't you know that? 'tis all our way of wit, Sir.

_Man._ I am glad I don't know it, then. Shamming! what does he mean by it, Freeman?

_Free._ Shamming is telling an insipid dull lie with a dull face, which the sly wag, the author, only laughs at himself; and making himself believe 'tis a good jest, puts the sham only upon himself.

Manly meets an Alderman.

_Man._ Here's a city-rogue will stick as hard upon us as if I owed him money.

_Ald._ Captain, n.o.ble Sir, I am yours heartily, d'ye see; why should you avoid your old friends?

_Man._ And why should you follow me? I owe you nothing.

_Ald._ Out of my hearty respects to you; for there is not a man in England----

_Man._ Thou wouldst save from hanging at the expense of a s.h.i.+lling only.

_Ald._ Nay, nay, but Captain, you are like enough to tell me----

_Man._ Truth, which you wont care to hear; therefore you had better go talk with somebody else.

_Ald._ No, I know n.o.body can inform me better of some young wit or spendthrift, who has a good dipped seat and estate in Middles.e.x, Hertfords.h.i.+re, Ess.e.x, or Kent; any of these would serve my turn; now if you know of such an one, and would but help----

_Man._ You to finish his ruin.

_Ald._ I' faith you should have a snip----

_Man._ Of your nose, you thirty in the hundred rascal; would you make me your squire-setter?

(_Takes him by the nose._)

Two lovers, Lord Plausible and Novel, have the following dialogue about their chances of success with a certain lady who is wooed by both.

_Novel._ Prithee, prithee, be not impertinent, my lord; some of you lords are such conceited, well a.s.sured impertinent rogues.

_Plausible._ And you n.o.ble wits are so full of shamming and drollery, one knows not where to have you seriously.

_Nov._ Prithee, my lord, be not an a.s.s. Dost thou think to get her from me? I have had such encouragements--

_Plau._ I have not been thought unworthy of 'em.

_Nov._ What? not like mine! Come to an eclairciss.e.m.e.nt, as I said.

_Plau._ Why, seriously then; she told me Viscountess sounded prettily.

_Nov._ And me, that Novel was a name she would sooner change hers for, than any t.i.tle in England.

_Plau._ She has commended the softness and respectfulness of my behaviour.

_Nov._ She has praised the briskness of my raillery in all things, man.

_Plau._ The sleepiness of my eyes she liked.

_Nov._ Sleepiness! dulness, dulness. But the fierceness of mine she adored.

_Plau._ The brightness of my hair she liked.

_Nov._ Brightness! no the greasiness, I warrant! But the blackness and l.u.s.tre of mine she admires.

_Plau._ The gentleness of my smile.

_Nov._ The subtilty of my leer.

_Plau._ The clearness of my complexion.

_Nov._ The redness of my lips.

_Plau._ The whiteness of my teeth.

_Nov._ My jaunty way of picking them.

_Plau._ The sweetness of my breath.

_Nov._ Ha! ha! nay there she abused you, 'tis plain; for you know what Manly said: the sweetness of your pulvillio she might mean; but for your breath! ha! ha! ha! Your breath is such, man, that nothing but tobacco can perfume; and your complexion nothing could mend but the small-pox.

CHAPTER IX.

Tom Brown--His Prose Works--Poetry--Sir Richard Blackmore--D'Urfey--Female Humorists--Carey.

Whether it was owing to the commotions of the Civil War in which "fears and jealousies had soured the people's blood, and politics and polemics had almost driven mirth and good humour out of the nation," or whether it was from a dearth of eminent talent, humour seems to have made little progress under the Restoration. The gaiety of the Merry Monarch and his companions had nothing intellectual in it, and although "Tom" Brown[61]

tells us that "it was during the reign of Charles II. that learning in general flourished, and the Muses, like other ladies, met with the civilest sort of entertainment," his own works show that the best wits of the day could not soar much above the attempts of Sedley and Rochester. Had Brown not acquired in his day the character of a humorist, we should think that he equally well deserved that of a man of learning, for whereas he shows an acquaintance with the cla.s.sics and modern languages, his writings, which are of considerable length, contain little Attic salt. He was born in 1663, the son of a substantial Shrops.h.i.+re farmer, and was sent to Christ Church, Oxford, where he became as remarkable for his quickness and proficiency, as for the irregularity of his conduct. On one occasion, owing to his having been guilty of some objectionable frolic, he was about to be expelled, when, upon his writing a penitential letter, the Dean, who seems to have known his talent, promised to forgive him on his translating extempore the epigram of Martial.