History of English Humour Volume I Part 26

_Shoe._ Your lords.h.i.+p may please to feel what you think fit; but the shoe does not hurt you. I think I understand my trade.

_Lord F._ Now by all that's great and powerful thou art an incomprehensible c.o.xcomb! but thou makest good shoes and so I'll bear with thee.

Tom Fas.h.i.+on personates his brother, Lord Foppington, and goes down to the country seat of Sir Tunbelly Clumpsey, in hope of marrying his rich daughter. The old Squire at first turns out to meet him with guns and pitchforks, but changes to the utmost servility on hearing that he is a lord. It is now Tom's object to have the marriage ceremony performed before he is discovered.

_Fas.h.i.+on._ Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me happy in being your husband, and I hope I may depend upon your consent to perform what he desires.

_Miss Hoyden._ Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but eating of green gooseberries.

_Fash._ So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife; I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far consider the violence of my love as not to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it.

_Miss H._ Pray, my lord, how long is that?

_Fash._ Madam, a thousand years--a whole week.

_Miss H._ A week! why I shall be an old woman by that time.

_Fash._ And I an old man.

_Miss H._ Why I thought it was to-morrow morning as soon as I was up, I am sure nurse told me so.

_Fash._ And it shall be to-morrow morning still, if you'll consent.

_Miss H._ If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey you as my husband.

_Fash._ That's when we're married, till then I am to obey you.

_Miss H._ Why then if we are to take it by turns it's the same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married you shall obey me.

_Fash._ With all my heart; but I doubt we must get nurse on our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain.

_Miss H._ O Lord, I can tell you a way how to persuade her to anything.

_Fash._ How's that?

_Miss H._ Why tell her she's a wholesome comely woman, and give her half-a-crown.

_Fash._ Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of them.

_Miss H._ O gemini! for half that she'd marry you herself. I'll run and call her.

_Fash._ So matters go swimmingly. This is a rare girl i' faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her in London, I'm much mistaken if she don't prove a March hare all the year round. What a scampering chase will she on't, when she finds the whole kennel of beaux at her tail! hey to the park, and the play, and the church and the devil; she'll show them sport, I'll warrant 'em. But no matter, she brings me an estate that will afford me a separate maintenance.

The following from "The Provoked Husband," gives a good specimen of social hypocrisy.

_Servant._ Madam, here's my Lady Fanciful to wait upon your ladys.h.i.+p.

_Lady Brute._ s.h.i.+eld me, kind heaven! what an inundation of impertinence is here coming upon us!

At the end of this unwelcome visit, we have the following hit at the ceremonious politeness then fas.h.i.+onable.

_Lady B._ What going already, madam.

_Lady Fan._ I must beg you excuse me this once, for really I have eighteen visits to return this afternoon. So you see I am importuned by the women as well as by the men.

_Bel._ (_aside_). And she's quits with 'em both.

_Lady F._ Nay, you shan't go one step out of the room.

_Lady B._ Indeed, I'll wait upon you down.

_Lady F._ No sweet, Lady Brute, you know I swoon at ceremony.

_Lady B._ Pray give me leave.

_Lady F._ You know I wont.

_Lady B._ Indeed I must.

_Lady F._ Indeed you shan't.

_Lady B._ Indeed I will.

_Lady F._ Indeed you shan't.

_Lady B._ Indeed I will.

_Lady F._ Indeed you shan't, indeed, indeed, indeed you shan't.

(_Exit running._)

The aversions and disputes of husbands and wives furnish the subject of some of his humour. Sir John Brute says:--

"Sure if women had been ready created, the devil instead of being kicked down in h.e.l.l had been married."

_Lady Brute._ Are you afraid of being in love, Sir?

_Heartfree._ I should if there were any danger of it.

_Lady B._ Pray, why so?

_Heart._ Because I always had an aversion to being used like a dog.

_Belinda._ Why truly, men in love are seldom used much better.

_Lady B._ But were you never in love, Sir?

_Heart._ No, I thank heaven, madam.

_Bel._ Pray, where got you your learning then?