Backwards. Part 13

I imagined what it would be like for Cat if Dan became a big varsity football star again. She'd have to go to Friday pep rallies and watch students cheer him on. And while he scored touchdowns, she'd get called a s.l.u.t.

"I don't think so, Coach."

"You don't think so?"

"No," I said. "I won't be coming back."

Teagan was waiting for me at the zombie's locker after school. I figured she'd be there. This was the encounter I'd dreaded most. Out of all the people Dan knew, she'd be the hardest to push away.

She called Dan's name, but I kept walking, pretending I hadn't seen her.

"I need to tell you something," she said.

I slowed and looked at the ground, like Dan would. "What?" I muttered, going for an annoyed tone.

Teagan glanced around, clearly wanting to speak to me in private, but I didn't budge. This is for the best, I told myself.

"There's a text going around," she said. "My friend Laney got it three times. Someone even sent it to me."

"So?"

"So it's a list of guys to avoid," said Teagan. "And your name's on it."

Good, I thought. It should be on it.

"I erased your name before sending it on," Teagan continued. "I even had Laney erase it."

"You shouldn't have done that."

"Why not? People are just being a-holes because you punched Finn," she said. "He's probably the one who sent the text. Or Kendra. She practically wors.h.i.+ps Finn. I'm glad you hit him."

Dan hit Finn? When I'd seen Finn at lunch, he hadn't mentioned anything about that.

"I could send out a text saying the other text is a lie," she said.

"No."

"You can't let them smear you like this."

It killed me how certain of Dan's innocence she was, but everything she did to defend him today would only come back to haunt her tomorrow. "Leave it alone, Teagan."

"I'm trying to help you."

"Well, don't. I don't want your help."

"What's your problem?"

"You," I said. "You're my problem. Stop messing with my life."

Teagan flinched and her chin trembled. I hated treating her like that, but I had to do it. I had to make her dislike me. And the disturbing thing was, I was pretty good at it, too.

"Where were you last night?" asked TR as soon as I slipped out of the zombie's room. "I waited for you at the Coffee Spot for almost an hour, then I went to Cat's house and watched her do this whole striptease routine. Dude, you should have seen it."

"You better not -"

"Kidding," he said. "When I didn't find you at Cat's, I went back to the Coffee Spot and listened to this guy tell some girl about how he had three near-death experiences and he didn't see diddly-squat, so he doesn't believe in spirits or angels or anything. Wish I could have jabbed him with a fork."

TR set off for Cat's neighborhood, a.s.suming that's where I wanted to go. "So where were you?" he asked again.

"I had trouble getting out," I lied.

"Your corpse pull an all-nighter or something?"

"Something like that," I said. "I didn't see you in school today."

"I wasn't there," TR answered. "Waster had a funeral to go to."

As we walked, he told me more about his day. Apparently, the funeral was for a kid, just four years old. Waster's cousin or second cousin - TR wasn't sure which. His name was Mateo, and he'd wandered out onto a busy road on Sat.u.r.day when no one was watching and got hit by a car. The worst part was that the car kept going, so no one was even with him when he died.

"It sucked," said TR. "I would have given anything not to have to go to that funeral, but Waster's mom made me. So I put on a suit that fit too tight and rode in the backseat to the service, trying to play the part. But when I got there, I couldn't even step into the room where the service was. Waster kept churning inside, making me sick. I finally had to back off, but he didn't try to take over."

"Weird."

"I think he wanted to disappear," said TR. "Some people seemed to be whispering about him, only no one would talk to him. The whole time, I stayed outside the service doors, looking in. And all I could think about was that poor kid, curled up on the side of the road like a stray dog, dying alone. It's not fair, you know? Cars go right through us, so why not him? If I could trade places with him for a second . . ." TR's voice broke off.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" he said. "You know they make caskets for kids? The 'American Baby' retails for four hundred and ninety dollars plus s.h.i.+pping and is hand a.s.sembled from oak in southern India. It comes lined with yellow or blue satin, fully padded. Or, if you're on a budget, there's the 'Infant Tribute' model, which comes unpadded for only two hundred and ninety-nine dollars, but you need to know the length and weight of your child before ordering."

I gave him a perplexed look.

"I spent an hour flipping through the casket catalog," he said.

We turned onto Cat's street. I got the sense that TR had more than casket prices on his mind, but I didn't want to press him on it. I had my own problems to worry about.

"After the service, I wanted to get out of there," he continued. "I mean out. So I walked home, and when I got back, I dug through Waster's drawers and found a bottle of vodka. I made him drink until he pa.s.sed out."

"Uh-huh," I said. Cat's curtains were open again. Just like I'd feared - she'd only start closing them after I left the Mad Hatter there.

"You want to go jump off a building?" I asked. "Or we could lie on the train tracks for a while. Watch the cars pa.s.s overhead."

"Naw, man," said TR. "We got to find the lever that will fix things. Right?"

"Right," I agreed. Except I didn't want TR to find out what Dan had done. It's not that I cared about protecting Dan. I hated him more than ever now, but like it or not, I inhabited the zombie. I'd made his life mine, and I couldn't stand the thought of TR looking at me like I was a rapist.

TR paused outside Cat's room. "Ladies first," he said.

I glanced around the apartment courtyard, trying to think of somewhere else we could go.

"Or not," he muttered.

"Wait!" I called, but TR was already halfway through the wall.

I hurried after him. It took me a few seconds to adjust before I could make out Cat asleep in bed. Her clock said it was a quarter after eleven. Her arm stretched across her pillow, and the blankets had slid off her shoulder. I wanted to tuck her in.

TR drifted around her room, but he didn't point out anything of interest. "They even make caskets out of cardboard," he said. "The one in the funeral service was a fancy model. Carved lid. Dark walnut with blue velvet interior. I saw it when people came out. It was the size of a toy chest, and the lid was open." He paused. "I didn't want to look, you know? But I had to. The kid inside, he was so small and alone."

"That sounds rough," I said.

TR shrugged. "If we go backwards a couple more days, he'll be alive again."

"Sure."

"But that doesn't change anything," continued TR. "I'll still know what's going to happen to him. I'll still see his mom and grandparents crying and tearing out their hair. And I'll still see Mateo in that casket."

I slumped back onto Cat's bed. Most of the time TR just rambled on and made jokes, but every now and then he said something that cut straight to the bone.

Cat stirred next to me. I studied her sleeping face. TR was right - and not just about the kid. If I didn't stop the rape from happening, I'd always know it was going to happen to her. I'd never be able to look at her without thinking of what was coming. Without knowing I hadn't saved her when I could.

Dan's mom pounded on his door. I'd planned on sleeping in, since Dan was suspended, but she obviously had other ideas.

"I'm awake!" I shouted.

"This is a punishment, not a break," she called back. "Make sure you do your homework and clean your room. Don't watch TV all day."

"I won't."

Keys rattled. After an awkward pause, her footsteps receded and the garage door rumbled open.

According to Dan's cell phone, it was Wednesday, November 5. If the party Teagan had mentioned occurred on Halloween night, then I had five more days before the past was set. Five days to fix things.

I checked the message written beneath the calendar. It still said WHATEVER YOU DO WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE. The problem was, I couldn't be sure who the "you" referred to - Dan or me? Dan had definitely made things worse for Cat. But I'd made things worse by stalking Cat and leaving her the figurines. Either way, it seemed best to keep avoiding people. Being suspended might actually help.

I hid in Dan's room until Teagan and his mom were gone. Then I pa.s.sed most of the day on the couch, watching game shows and eating cereal. When Teagan got home, I locked myself in the zombie's bedroom and put on his headphones. If she knocked on the door, I didn't hear it. Boring as it was to stay isolated like that, at least it kept Dan from getting agitated and taking over.

Tuesday started out pretty much the same, only the thought of being stuck inside for another day made me want to scream. To make things tolerable, I downed a bunch of medicine like I had before. This time the package of allergy pills was unopened and the cough syrup bottle looked full. Dan resisted swallowing the pills, but I shut him out and took one. Then two. Then some more, until I was popping them like M&M's and was.h.i.+ng them down with cough syrup during Wheel of Fortune. I figured whatever the pills did had to be an improvement. Things turned out better than I'd antic.i.p.ated, though, when a few minutes into Jeopardy! Dan pa.s.sed out on the couch.

I gradually loosened my hold on his body. Even if Dan took over now, what could he do? The drugs wouldn't leave his system anytime soon. I backed away, straining against the bonds that kept me there. It wasn't as easy as at night, when slipping out had become second nature, but I managed to break free.

For a moment, I hovered above him. Dan lay against the end of the couch, drooling. A few crumbs from breakfast dotted his T-s.h.i.+rt, and his head slumped uncomfortably against a cus.h.i.+on. The thought of getting reeled in made me anxious. Given all the pills I'd taken, though, I figured he'd be unconscious for a while.

I left the house and crossed the yard, thrilled to be out during the day for a change. Maybe it was only a trick of perception, but I actually felt warmed by the sun.

All around me, the world pulsed with movement and sound - cars rushed past on the street; an elderly man walked his dog; a cat prowled the bushes, sending a pair of doves flapping into the sky. I hurried to school. The closer I got, the more the air hummed with activity. Gym cla.s.s must have been taking place, because Coach blew his whistle and shouted at a group of guys walking the track. I'd neglected to check the clock before leaving, but given that several students were hanging around, eating chips and kicking a Hacky Sack, it must have been close to noon.

I pa.s.sed through the front doors and coasted down halls teeming with students. In the anonymous herd, I felt surprisingly present. I'd never realized how exhausting inhabiting a body could be, but now I didn't have to worry about how people saw me or what I should do.

I spotted Trent talking to a few guys by his locker and drifted closer. Normally, I got edgy around him since I never knew how Dan might react, but without a body all that anxiety fell away. There was nothing to do but watch. Almost immediately, I noticed things I never had before. The nervous bob of his head when he spoke. The way his smirk twitched at the corners of his mouth. How he kept glancing around, even while talking to someone, as if looking for someone else.

A soph.o.m.ore wearing a scarf walked past and brushed his fingers across the small of Trent's back. Trent didn't turn, but his smile tightened and he laughed too loud at something someone said. The soph.o.m.ore ducked into the boys' bathroom. A few minutes later, the bell rang and students cleared out of the hall, darting into their cla.s.ses. Trent waited until almost everyone had gone, then he slipped into the bathroom. I followed, caught in his current.

"Hey, f.a.g," he said, once the door had shut behind him. "What was that?"

"No one saw," replied the soph.o.m.ore. I'd noticed him hanging out with the jazz-band kids before, but I didn't know his name. I think he played guitar. "No one's here."

Trent stepped closer. I expected him to throw the soph.o.m.ore against the wall or say something threatening, only the moment they touched, everything changed. They spilled into a stall, kissing.

Every time I'd seen Trent before, he'd been partially obscured, but now he came into focus. This was why he made obnoxious comments and teased people. He constantly feared being himself. An exquisite rush of understanding filled me.

I drifted through walls into cla.s.srooms, eager to see more. The people I looked at s.h.i.+mmered like artifacts on museum shelves, with all their facets and details illuminated. A girl in Dan's math cla.s.s who often raised her hand when the teacher asked a question crumpled up a test and pressed a compa.s.s point against her thigh because she'd missed one problem. A boy in the music practice room who'd never once spoken a word in Dan's English cla.s.s played a drum set with wild abandon. A senior who looked like a marine snuck out of cla.s.s to write a poem in marker on the inside of someone's locker, while a few doors down a teacher watched and didn't say a word. Everyone concealed a secret self that almost no one else knew.

During the time between cla.s.ses, eyegla.s.ses got crushed beneath feet. Notes were exchanged. Drugs changed hands. Some people were shoved or kicked. Others hugged. Some said yes. Others, no. So much could happen in a minute, in a second even - moments of kindness and cruelty, declarations of love and loneliness, possibilities found and lost - while people walked by, fumbling in their own self-conscious worlds.

In the cafeteria, I spotted Cat at the salad bar, surrounded by Kendra, Bella, and Laney. "Did you have a nice weekend, s.l.u.t?" Kendra asked. "What made you think you could go to that party, anyway?"

Bella said something, too, but I didn't hear it because Cat was walking away. She hurried out of the cafeteria, struggling to keep a brave face.

Tricia caught up to her in the hallway. "You all right?" she asked.

Cat nodded, but her eyes were wet and her voice shook. "I'm great," she said. "Blue skies."

"What did they say to you?" asked Tricia.

"Does it matter?"

"If they said something about what happened, G.o.d help me, I'll beat the c.r.a.p out of them. Literally."

"Let it go, Tricia."

"I'm not going to let it go. Not this. They can't throw this in your face." She scowled at the cafeteria doors. "Kendra told Laney you tried to sleep with the whole team."

Cat glared at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because people need to know the truth."

"What truth? That I was drunk and stupid?"

"You weren't just drunk," said Tricia. "Trust me. One drink wouldn't make you pa.s.s out."

"It doesn't matter." Cat leaned against the lockers and slid down until she was sitting. "I'm not even sure what happened."

"Bulls.h.i.+t," said Tricia. "You know what happened."

"You weren't there. You didn't see me," said Cat. "A lot of people are telling the same story."

"So? People are always telling stories."

"What if it's true? There are pictures of me online. Everyone's seen them. I can tell by the way they look at me. Everyone thinks I'm a s.l.u.t."