Mr. Scraggs Part 10

"'Leggo me,' he says; 'I tell you, leggo me, Zeke Scraggs. I'm goin' to have my revenge. I'm goin' to take ten cases of giant powder and blow the mill of Honorable John Lawson Davis, Member of Congress, Champion Double-Jointed, Ground-and-Lofty, Collar-and-Elbow, Skin and Liar, so high in the air that folks'll think there's a new comet, predictin' war and trouble.'

"'William,' I says 'you ain't goin' to do no such thing--that's wicked, that is.' I tried to speak stern, but this here Christmas hadn't amounted to much so far, and I never had seen a stamp mill blew up, so I couldn't help wonderin' how it would look.

"'See here!' says he, 'I'll admit many a time you've licked me in a friendly way, Ezekiel, and I'm obliged to you; but, now, be you, or ben't you, my guest?'

"'I be,' says I.

"'Then don't let's hear no more out of you,' he says, 'but come along.'

"'The powder'll be friz,' I hints, still tryin' to switch him off.

"'Not much,' he says. 'She's down a cellar twenty foot deep--come on.'

"'Just as you say, William,' I remarks--the only thing to do.

"So we toted ten cases of giant to the bottom of the mill, fixed the cap and fuse careful, touched her off, and walked away from there.

"Whilest I wouldn't have you think for a minute, dear friends and brothers, that I uphold any conduct like that, for my part I'm willin' to admit there's things less exhileratin' than standin' on a small rise, of a clear, fine, moonlight winter night, waitin' to see a fifty-stamp mill go off,

"And she went. Let me repeat it: she went. We first ketched a smack on the soles of our feet, and then that mill flew to a fiery finish. Jeehoopidderammity! It was simply gorgeous.

"We didn't have time to take it all in, howsomever, for after the first blast a big, black thing sailed over our heads with the fearfullest screech that ever scart a man to death.

"'Zeke,' says William, hangin' on to my neck, 'did I hear somethin', or is it that cussed green ink workin'?'

"'I thought I observed a sound,' says I; 'and whatever it was lit yonder. Let's go see.

"William hadn't intended to go and see at all. In fact, I dragged him by the hair and belt the hull distance--not that I was exactly afraid, but nothin' is so lonesome when you have company.

"There was a hole in a s...o...b..nk where whatever it was went in. I started to paw down, but William was for bunchin' it.

"'I tell you, let it be and hump yourself out'n here,' says he.

'It's after me because I blew up the mill; it's the devil, that's what it is.'

"'Is it?' says I. 'Well, let's have a look at him. My veins is full of cream de menthy, and I'll knock his horns off'n him if he gives me any lip.'

"Just then the s...o...b..nk heaved up. It wasn't no devil--that is, not exactly. It was a lady. I'd a bet on it if I'd had time to think. I might have known there was no place on top of this footstool where E. G. W. Scraggs could rest his weary feet without some female happenin' in the same spot at the same time. I should have took William's advice, but it was now too late.

"We stood around kinder awk'ard, with her brus.h.i.+n' snow from herself, till I says, 'Well, good-evenin', ma'am.'

"First off she says good-evenin', too, out of surprise. Then she begun to talk altogether different. She described William and me by sections, goin' into particulars, and n.o.buddy'd loaned us money on her recommend. I was used to this at home, so I spoke up nice and silent in our defense. There ain't quite so much noise when only one is talkin.'

"Finally, when her breath give out, William says very humble, 'Would you mind informin' us, ma'am, how you come to be in these parts just now?'

"She explained fully that, in answer to an advertis.e.m.e.nt in the paper, she was slidin' over to Squaw Creek. The advertis.e.m.e.nt called for a wife for a farmer, to be forty years old, or thereabouts, able to cook, plow, do was.h.i.+ng and light blacksmith's work, and to have a capital of five hundred dollars to invest in the concern.

"'An' now,' says she, beginning to weep, 'I'd camped in that mill, an' I was only for steppin' out to git a bit of a stick to cook me soopper, an' I was on me way back, when a-r-rur-BOOMP! it ses, an'

where's the five hoondred dollars that I left there, I dunno?

Agghh woosha-woosha the day, ye divils, ye! An' me hoopled t'rough the air like a ol' hat--bad cess to yer ugly faces! The cuss o'

Crom'll lie heavy on ye for mistreatin' a poor, lone widdy woman!'

"'Well, ma'am,' says I, 'I wouldn't take the loss of the money to heart. When the gentleman sees your face he won't care.' Usually, you can kinder edge around the rough places with that game of talk.

But it didn't go here.

"'Aggh, g'wan, ye bald-headed ol' pepper-mint lozenger!' she hollers. 'D'ye s'pose I niwer see a lookin'-gla.s.s? Where's the man'll marry me widout me money? "Me face is me forchune, sor,"

sez she. "Tek it to the gravel bank an' have it cashed, then," sez he. Where's the man that'll have me, face an' all, lackin' the coin? Woora, woora, answer me that!'

"Well, as usual, it was up to me. There wasn't no escapin' it. A man might just as well meet his fate smilin' as trailin' his lip on the ground, for my experiences teaches, dear friends and brothers, that Fate just naturally don't care a wooden-legged tinker's dam.

"'Madam,' says I, removin' my hat and bowin', 'the honorable name of Scraggs is at your disposal.'

"'Eh?' says she. 'What's that you're sayin'?'

"'I repeat, plainly and sadly, ma'am, that one-fourteenth of my heart and hands is at your disposal.'

"'Heh?' says she again. 'An' what's the one-foorteeneth mane?'

"'I have now,' I replies, 'thirteen wives--'Before I could get another word out she was ra'rin.'

"'Oh!' she yells, 'ye villyan! Ye long-legged blaggard! Ye hairless ol' scoundrel of the world! How dast ye?' She begun lookin' around for a club, so I talked fast.

"'It's my religion, ma'am,' says I. 'I'm a Mormon by profession, mixed with accident. Think a minute before you do somethin'

that'll cause general regret.'

"'Well,' she says, calmin' down, 'is there e'er an Oirish leddy in the lot?'

"'Not one, up till this joyful present,' I answers. 'I don't rightly know what country they hail from, but I can truthfully add that I'm not thinkin' of takin' up homestead rights there.'

"'Aggh, g'long wid yer jokin',' says she, as kittenish as anything.

'Yer only foolin', ye are.' "'Ma'am,' says I, 'if you say the word I shall at once proceed to get my fiery, untamed skees and go gallopin' over the mountains to make you the fourteenth Mrs.

Scraggs with all speed and celery possible. You have only to speak to turn this dreadful uncertainty into a horrible fact. I pay for what I break; that's me, Jo Bush.'

"'Well, ain't this suddent!' she says. 'But I'll not stop ye from yer intentions--men is that set in their ways! Run along, now, loike a good choild!'

"'Well, good-by, William!' I says when we started, 'You see how it is yourself!"

"He cried on my coat collar. I honest believe that gra.s.s-juice had a jump or two in it, so darned insijous a man wouldn't notice.

"'To think it was me brought this on,' he hollers. 'Me an' my revengeful nature! You try to forgive me, Ezekiel. And we everlastingly did wind up that mill, anyhow!'

"'William,' says I, 'take no heed. No man is above what happens to him, unless like he'd been atop of the mill when she dispersed. I forgive you--good-by.'"

Mr. Scraggs puffed his pipe thoughtfully. "Thirteen," he ruminated, and shook his head. "Tell me not them mournful numbers."

"But," interrupted Charley, "I don't see as you was any worse off than before?"

"Me?" replied Mr. Scraggs in surprise. "Me? No, _I_ wasn't any worse off. But, as I said before, inquire of the snake.