Mr. Scraggs Part 3

"'How's that?' says my friend, when we got outside.

"'All right,' says I. 'And here's my plunder.' I let him heft the bag.

"'Heavy truck, ain't it?' he said. 'But we can always stand the weight, can't we?' He picked out one of them glitterin' Chinese works of art and regarded it real lovin'. 'Yes,' says he, 'it's sure nice stuff. Hurry along and we'll close the d.i.c.ker.'

"Up-stairs the old gent had the money ready for me to count.

"'Correct?' says he.

"'Ya-a-as,' says I.

"'Well, I'll put 'em in a neat bundle for you,' says he. When that was done I handed my precious gold over.

"'Now, come here and have one last drink of satisfaction,' says my friend. I turned to the table and imbibed my last tonic at his expense.

"'Here you are, sir,' says the little old man, handin' me my package. 'And much obliged to you; only remember this: Secret Service men is all about; don't open her till you get safely in your room--mind that, now! Good-day.'

"Down the steps I goes, ker-thump, ker-thump. But when I reached the street I begun to wonder to myself if I hadn't better just see what those fellers would do next--no harm in ketchin' on to as many city ways as possible--so I hid under the stoop till they come out, glancin' sharp this way and that, but missin' Ezekiel George Was.h.i.+ngton.

"Up the street they skips; me after 'em, soon's I could, safe.

Round the corner they goes. Me, too. And then they sa.s.shays into a joolry shop. Here I thought I'd stay outside.

"My friend, after some talk, pa.s.ses a big nugget over the counter.

The joolryman he bores into it with a file and hands it back. You never see a face more contemshus than his'n. Then some kind of argyment broke out, arms a-wavin'; windin' up by the joolryman raspin' pretty near every nugget in the heap. Each pa.s.s his face got more contemshus yet. Finally he swept the whole business back in the bag, throws it at 'em and intimates they can leave at any time.

"They left. I never heard such language in my life! It ortn't be allowed in a large city. Why, that friend of mine, he heaved the bag of nuggets in the gutter and he raised up his hands, and just as sure as I sit here tellin' you about it, friends and brothers, he made a Fourth-of-July speech five minutes long, and never repeated himself once! I wouldn't go near him, feelin' in his excited state of mind it might lead to trouble. The little old man at last dragged him away.

"I picked up them poor mishandled treasures in the gutter, for old acquaintance sake. And surmisin' it probably wouldn't hardly be worth my while to wait till I got to the hotel to sample my prize-package, I opened her on the spot.

"Well, there's no use in talkin'. Them fellers were a pair of scoundrels. Instead of anything that looked or smelt or sounded like money in that parcel, was nothin' but a lot of newspapers cut into strips, with a note on top of 'em bearin' these insultin'

words:

"'_There's a sucker born every minute_.'

"Then I counted up on my fingers fourteen drinks and one five-dollar dinner, and says I to myself:

"'Ya-a-as,' says I, 'I don't reckon but what that's true.'"

III

ST. NICHOLAS SCRAGGS

"I have read some'ers," said Mr. Scraggs, "that some man whose name was a durned sight more important to him than it is to me, for I've plumb forgot it, said that he never begun nothin' unless he could see the end of it."

"His wife's family must have owned real estate," suggested Red Saunders.

"He didn't specify which end," excused Mr. Scraggs. "Maybe 'twas the front end he meant; then the proverb 'ud read that he never begun anythin' unless he could see the commencement of it; which is a wise and thoughtful statement, because had it been otherwise, and therefore essentially different, why, how could he?"

"Of course not," a.s.sented Red.

"I s'pose," said the visitor, "that you mean what you say and understand what you mean, but d----d if I do. Is there any right or left bower in this game?"

"No," said Mr. Scraggs. "But this is the twenty-fourth of December, and I was thinkin' of another twenty-fourth of December.

I began something then that come out rather different from what you'd naturally expect. That ain't so remarkable, for nothin' I ever had any hand in ever come out as anybody expected--barrin'

Mrs. Scraggs, who, individuool, cool, calm, and collectively, always says, 'Just what I expected, exactly,' and any man that says any one or all of the Mrs. Scraggses bound to me by ties of matrimony by the Mormon Church, party of the first part, Mrs.

Scraggs, party of the second part, and E. G. W. Scraggs, party of the third, last, and of no consequence whatsomever part--any man, I repeat, who says Mrs. Scraggs would lie is no friend of her'n and ought to be told so. But to restrain a nateral indignation at the hint of such a charge and to proceed: I want to say that this particular twenty-fourth of December I'm talkin' about came out so much entirely different from what I expected that I can't seem to forget it.

"There's something about Christmas that warms the heart and makes the n.o.blest and best of our sentiments to come to the surface for a breath of fresh air. Yes, sir, there is, and they pa.s.sed it around in Peg-leg's place that afternoon so hot, sweet, and plentiful that I hadn't been there more'n two hours before my feelin's had rose to such a pitch that I went out and bought each' and every Mrs.

Scraggs a pair of number ten rubber boots, a pound of raisins, and an accordion. The boots was useful; the raisins, of course, stood for Christmas cheer; but what in thunder I bought the accordions for I never knew afterward. I'd give a ten-dollar bill this minute to know. It was a tremenjus idee at the time, but that's all I recall of it. I sent the hull shootin'-match around to the house by a small boy with a hand sleigh and a card sayin' 'Peace on Earth' on top of it.

"After this, havin' done my duty by my fambly, as I saw it at the time, I wandered into Mr. George Hewlitt's emporium of chance, armed with six iron dollars and a gold collar-b.u.t.ton. They took my six dollars away from me as though I wasn't fit to be trusted with 'em, and then I sprung my collar-b.u.t.ton for another stack. As far as I could see, that collar-b.u.t.ton was all that stood between me and a long, wide, thick, and cold winter. Hows'mever, there was no unmanly tears in the eyes of the support of the n.o.ble house of Scraggs when he plunked the lot on the corner.

"'Slave,' says I to the dealer in the language I learned s.h.i.+ftin'

scenes for a week, back in old St. Looey. 'Slave!' says I. 'I've stacked my life agin the cast in your eye, and I will stand the razzle of your dyestuff. Shoot! You're faded!'

"And he was, too. I caught that turn and about every other in the deal; split him in half on the last card, and from that on I ripped him up the back and knocked chunks off'n him until everybody got interested.

"The game grew too small for both of us. I had four hundred dollars in checks before me, and my original collar-b.u.t.ton. I asked him for his limit. He replied that notwithstandin' the enormous and remarkable growth of inst.i.tutions of learning throughout the country and the widespread interest in arithmetic, it hadn't been figured out yet.

"'Make good,' says I, tappin' the table with the finger of authority.

"'I got you,' says he, and slams his roll upon the table. 'There's eight hundred dollars.'

"'Well,' says I, 'I shall descend upon it in two flies, not counting odd chips. Shall we cut?'

"He shoved out a deck. I cut a four-spot. It come to me all of a sudden how futeel is human endeavors, how fleetin' is man's hopes, for we was playin' it high man wins. And then he cut a three-sp.e.c.k.e.r, and talked unwisely. Then he cut a king, and a soft smile lighted his face. I cut an ace. He looked at it, reached up, and took down a sign:

ACE IS ALWAYS HIGH IN THIS HOUSE.

--a sign he'd made with his own fair hands, and he says to me, 'You don't mind if I keep this as a sooveneer of the joyful occasion, do you? You can have the rest of the place, for I move after two beats like that.'

"So then the crowd was uproarious, and I treated several times for Mrs. Scraggs and several times for myself, divided the money square, wrapped her half in a parcel with 'G.o.d Bless our Home'

marked on it and sent it around to her.

"It then occurred to me I weren't dressed according to my prosperity. So I cut the boys and ambled around to Eichenstein's to get some clothes.

"Old Eichy clasped his hands with innocent glee.

"'I have got id!' says he, clawing out some black duds. 'You remember dat 'biscobal mineesder who beat der sheriff to der drain?

Dat is der close he orter t' und didn't bay for--dey fid you like a finger in der mud.'

"I tried to explain to Eichy that I didn't need no minister clothes, but he was shocked at the idea, so I bought 'em and put 'em on.

"It next occurred to me that with a new soot of clothes and money in my pocket I'd orter travel and see a little of the world once more, so I gathers the boys and four members of the Dogtown band, and we went eight miles to the station in good shape. It made the people look to see us marchin' in.

"'Gimme a ticket,' says I to the station man.