Ever Heard This? Part 11

An East-India Governor having died abroad his body was put in spirit, to preserve it for internment in England. A sailor on board the s.h.i.+p being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the s.h.i.+p, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honour, I tapped the Governor."

ON DEATH

Two recruits were discussing the Great War and the possible date of their being sent to the front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't mind getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so d----d permanent."

ENVY

A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!"

replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"

A HAT FOR NOTHING

An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen s.h.i.+llings were demanded. He offered twelve s.h.i.+llings. "As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price."

"As you live!" exclaimed the countryman, "then live more moderately, and be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my 'As I live'

trick has never been found out till now."

AN OLD PROVERB

A Chinaman was much worried by a vicious-looking dog which barked at him in an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," said a friend. "You know the old proverb: 'A barking dog never bites.'"

"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know proverb, I know proverb, but does d--n dog know proverb?"

PRO BONO PUBLICO

It was just before the opening of the Academy and Swiper was growling as usual.

"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd never paint again."

"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, "I wish I had one. I'd give it to you!"

A NEW RECIPE

At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in, become almost grey with age. "You ought to carry these peas to Kensington," said one of the party. "Why?" asked another. "Because it's the way to Turn 'em Green."

Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and made a note of the joke. The next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas on the table. "These ought to be sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?"

he was asked. "Because that's the way to make them green," he replied.

NOT A WAXWORK

A farmer once took his son into an a.s.size Court. The lad gaped with open mouth at the resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in scarlet and ermine. Suddenly the judge made a sign to the usher, and the lad exclaimed, "Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were a waxwork."

THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU

_Mike_: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. I had the last word with a woman."

_Ike_: "That so? How'd it occur?"

_Mike_: "Coming home on the car I said, 'Won't you have my seat, madam?'"

TIPS

A foreign lord, who resided for a time in England, had his own way of dealing with the question of tips. When his friends, who had dined with him, were going away, he always attended them to the door; and if they offered any money to the servant who opened it (for he never suffered but one servant to appear), he always prevented them, saying, in his manner of speaking English, "If you do give it, give it to me, for it was I that did buy the dinner."

JUSTICE

At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a Dutchman and his companion who went into Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They were surprised at being charged nine dollars! The Dutchman began to swear.

"Don't you swear," said the other, "G.o.d has already punished Delmonico.

I have got my pocket full of his spoons."