Ever Heard This? Part 12

DEAD AS A DOORNAIL

An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An'

shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer honner."

FAITH

A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lords.h.i.+p to present his application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?"

"None," said the candidate, "except faith. You will remember, my lord, that, if thou have faith, and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the Chancellor, "Brother Mountain, go into that see."

JOB'S CURSE

"Mother," said little Eva on the way from church, "babies aren't so good as they used to be, are they?" "Whatever makes you think that?" replied her mother. "Well, little Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two, but Job could talk when he was a baby." "Where does it tell you that, dear?" asked mother. "Don't you remember the lesson this morning, mother? It said that Job cursed the day he was born!"

A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION

A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, "She was obstinate and contrary in her life, and no doubt she was the same at her death."

THE RULING Pa.s.sION

Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being somewhat run down, was ordered on a sea voyage by his doctor. After several days on board during which period nothing had occurred to break the monotony of this to him overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly aroused from his afternoon siesta by the cry "A sail, a sail." His eyes brightened and calling his wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot catalogue?"

FELO-DE-SE

An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the s.h.i.+p's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and was drowned. The body soon being recovered, the coroner's jury was summoned. One of the jurymen returning home, was asked what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell into the sea, sure enough."

HOW TO GET WARM

A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fas.h.i.+onable lady decked with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold.

s.h.i.+vering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know,"

replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another breast-pin."

NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR

An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own paris.h.i.+oners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a pract.i.tioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."

OF COMPOSITIONS

A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next to a musician, and, thinking she ought to say something about music, turned to her neighbour and said: "Has Bach been composing much of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he has been decomposing for some time!"

PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER

A parson in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii.

14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the churchyard and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for. "Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF

An old gentleman went out to tea, and being somewhat deaf was unable to join in the general conversation. A kind-hearted lady wis.h.i.+ng to make him feel at home, said: "Do you like bananas?" To which he replied, "No; I prefer the old-fas.h.i.+oned nights.h.i.+rt."

ANTIc.i.p.aTION

Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter Hall at which Bishop Wilberforce had made an eloquent speech the audience began to go away.