Ever Heard This? Part 13

A gentleman whose name was on the programme said to the Bishop, "I need not speak; I hardly think they expect me." "To be sure they do," said Wilberforce; "don't you see they are all going."

HYMNS AND HERS

On seeing a large picture by Watts from _Theodore and Honoria_ a friend once asked Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" he replied, "you have heard of Watts's Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!"

HORS CONCOURS

At an evening party a new game was suggested. The guests were each to make the most hideous grimaces that they could and the prize was to go to the ugliest effort.

After long scrutiny the judge awarded the prize to a lady seated away from the others. "I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.

THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE

A story told of William the Fourth, if genuine, shows that king possessed on occasion of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit.

The story runs that when dining with several officers he ordered a waiter to "take away that marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered the king.

"I mean to say that it has done its duty once and is ready to do it again."

A UNITED COUPLE

John's wife complains, that John discourses And thinks of nothing else but horses.

Whilst John, a caustic wag, Says it's wonderful to see How thoroughly their tastes agree,-- For, that his wife, as well as he, Most dearly loves a nag.

WET PAINT

It was a dark wintry night, when a belated traveller, in a lonely country district, found himself entirely lost as to his locality.

He wandered aimlessly for some time, till at last he found himself against what he considered a signpost.

All efforts to find out any name on the same failing, he climbed the post and read the words, "Wet paint."

TICK, TICK, TICK

Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting Lord Guildford, he mentioned his change of residence, and also a change in his own habits. "My lord, everything is carried on in my new house with the greatest regularity--everything in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, tick, I suppose."

DIFFIDENCE

An Irishman charged with an a.s.sault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"

THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED

A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients in vain to arrest a Quaker, resolved to adopt the habit and manner of one, in hope of catching the primitive Christian. In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the housekeeper, "I promised _he_ should see _thee_. He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."

IMAGINATION

A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny.

"Look, mother, there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, it must have been imagination." "Mother, is imagination white behind?"

UNREMITTING KINDNESS

"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness!" "Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

A WARM PROSPECT

A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take it with you, and if you could it would melt!"