Ever Heard This? Part 14

A SOPORIFIC STORY

The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "And yet," said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of it but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that story."

ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS

Curran and Father O'Leary were dining with Michael Kelly when the barrister said: "Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." "And why, Counsellor, would you wish I were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because, Reverend Father, in that case you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." "By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," answered O'Leary, "it would be better for you if I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

THE LOST JOINT

The serving-maid was awkward and the joint fell on the floor. The young mistress was naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost our dinner."

"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've got my foot on it."

THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN

A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest country b.u.mpkin with--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" "Voight for my King,"

answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"

IRELAND FOR EVER

An Irishman homeward bound from America frequently expressed his delight by shouting, "Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" to the intense amus.e.m.e.nt of most of the pa.s.sengers. One irascible old fellow, however, barely concealed his irritation at Pat's outbursts, and at last, exasperated beyond endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for h.e.l.l!" "That's right," said Pat. "Every man for his own country."

ALL MEN ARE LIARS

Thackeray was fond of telling the story of two men relating their adventures. One of them had told his companion something as having happened to him which was extremely improbable; the other capped it by a statement still more outrageous. "What a liar you must be, Jack," said his friend, to which he replied, "Well, _we are telling lies_, aren't we?"

AN OBJECT LESSON

The diner-out had waited a quarter of an hour for his soup. Calling the waiter he asked, "Have you ever been to the Zoo?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy watching the tortoises whiz past."

AN UNKNOWN TONGUE

During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?" "Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them."

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT

"Did you present your account to the defendant?" inquired a lawyer of his client. "I did, your Honour." "And what did he say?" "He told me to go to the devil." "And what did you say then?" "Why, then I came to you."

"SOMEWHERE"

A lady who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I think, sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely," replied the gentleman, "you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE

An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar."

Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the baker's." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something.

Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the baker might not be in."

WAR AND TAXES

Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer.

A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"