Ever Heard This? Part 25

TRUTH WILL OUT

Jim was being chastised by his father, and a pa.s.ser-by stopped to enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister, they wouldn't _come_ home; they'd _go_ home."

SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES

A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children.

The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march into the church.

He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking backwards.

On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed.

A NEW DISH

A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy.

"All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready.

"What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir,"

answered the boy.

FULL OF PLUCK

_Countryman_ (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest pull her out, even if it does hurt."

_Dentist_: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see the tooth."

_Countryman_: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got the toothache; it's me wife.

She'll be here in a minute."

CANDID ON BOTH SIDES

"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."

THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS

A dispute about precedence once arose between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some altercation, the latter thought he would quite confound his opponent by quoting the pa.s.sage, "For on these two hang all the Law and the Prophets." "Do you not see," said the lawyer in triumph, "that even in this pa.s.sage of Scripture, _we_ are mentioned first?" "I grant you,"

said the Bishop, "_you_ hang first."

LUCUS A NON LUCENDO

A man living in a quiet country place invited a neighbour to dine and spend the evening with him. The night being dark, when it was time to go, the guest, who had done himself very well, begged to be allowed to borrow a large lantern in the hall to light him on his way. The next day the host sent his servant round with the following note: "Dear old chap, I shall be glad to have back my parrot and cage if you have finished with it."

THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN

A lady was telling her doctor that her maid objected to going to the Isle of Wight again, as the climate "was not embracing enough," and added, "What am I to do with such a woman?" The doctor replied, "You had better take her to the Isle of Man."

A CUNNING ELDER

A canny Scot had got himself installed in the elders.h.i.+p of the church, and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal,"

he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences mysel'."

AS YOU LIKE IT

An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't care how he dressed when in London, "because n.o.body knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."

UNNECESSARY CIVILITY

Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the maid he was about to marry, "Weel, Jenny, haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the circ.u.mstance that during their whole courts.h.i.+p he had never even given her a kiss.