Ever Heard This? Part 26

Her quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."

AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE

The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of which was so arranged that pa.s.sers-by could see what was taking place. A small boy approached and observed the process of hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of a customer surprised the lad, who called to his chum, "Blimey, Charley, they're looking for 'em with a light now."

AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE

Two c.o.c.kney boys were examining the mummies at the British Museum for the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting the age of the contents. "I wonder what those figures mean?" said Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly, don't you know? That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."

TABLE OF COMPARISON

To instil into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts was Cohen senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his offspring much, including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then Cohen junior looked up brightly.

"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"

"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, that "they seem to pick out the choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."

HEAR! HEAR!

At a local "Parliament" a member much annoyed the House by continually interrupting the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" One of the latter took the opportunity of alluding to a well-known political character of the times, whom he represented as a person who wished to play the rogue, but had only sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he exclaimed with emphatic continuation, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" was instantly shouted from the usual seat. The speaker bowed and sat down amidst convulsions of laughter.

MISPLACING THE BLAME

"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"

As the childish wail rang through the house the anxious mother sprang to her feet. Rus.h.i.+ng into the hall, she met her little daughter coming in from the garden and carrying a broken doll by the leg.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.

"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, "Willie's broken my do-oll!"

"The naughty boy! How did he do it?"

"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was the slow response.

WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH

A humorist asked a medical man, with an air of great seriousness, "Why does hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the explanation, "inspiration is checked, circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain----" "Bos.h.!.+" interrupted the wag, "it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."

MORAL QUALIFICATIONS

A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can she make good porridge?"

MEASURING HIS DISTANCE

A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?" "Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."

AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES