The Inspector-General Part 13

ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?

MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!

GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?

OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.

GOVERNOR. Entertained well?

OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S'help me G.o.d! Say we'd stop at some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No, badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host.

Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave of his hand]. "I am a simple person. G.o.d be with them."

GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea.

Here's something for buns, too.

OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.]

I'll sure drink your health, sir.

ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.

Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.

GOVERNOR. Hus.h.!.+ [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone.] Don't make a noise, for heaven's sake! Go, it's enough.

ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. [They go out.]

GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd want to stop up your ears. [To Osip.] Well, friend--

SCENE XI

The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

GOVERNOR. Sh--s.h.!.+ Bandy-legged bears--thumping their boots on the floor!

b.u.mp, b.u.mp as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon.

Where in the devil have you been knocking about?

DERZHIMORDA. I had your order--

GOVERNOR. Hus.h.!.+ [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] Like a bull bellowing. [Mocking him.] "I had your order--" Makes a noise like an empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll--The instant you see anybody with a pet.i.tion, or even without a pet.i.tion and he looks as if he wanted to present a pet.i.tion against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw him out.

Do you hear? Hush--hus.h.!.+

He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.

CURTAIN

ACT IV

SCENE: Same as in Act III.

SCENE I

Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.

AMMOS. For G.o.d's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here.

[Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.]

ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.

AMMOS. Try what?

ARTEMY. It's clear what.

AMMOS. Grease?

ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.

AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the n.o.bility for some sort of memorial?

POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post and we don't know for whom?

ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do--what ought to be done, you know--so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first.

AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in your inst.i.tution.

ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.

LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.

ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's mouth.

AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.

ALL [pressing him]. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too.

Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!

AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.