Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour - BestLightNovel.com
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[Ill.u.s.tration: _c.o.c.kney Macbeth (a trifle "fluffy" in his words) bellows out:_ "'Ang out our banners on the houtward walls! The cry is--'Let 'em _all_ come!'"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Hedwin._ "Hangeleener! Won't yer 'ear me? Wot 'ud yer sy if I told yer as I'd 'took the s.h.i.+llin'?"
_Hangelina._ "Sy? Why--'halves'!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Man Cleaning the Horse._ "Naa then lazy, w'y don't yer do some work?"
_New Hand (loafing)._ "I'm agoin' to."
_M. C. H._ "Wot are yer goin' ter do?"
_N. H._ "'Elp you."
_M. C. H._ "Come alorng, then."
_N. H._ "All rite. You go orn, I'm agoin' ter do the 'issing."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "BACK TO THE LAND."
_Old Farmer Worsell (who is experimenting with unemployed from London)._ "Now then, young feller, 'ow long are you goin' to be with that 'ere milk?"
_Young Feller._ "I caunt 'elp it, guv'nor. I bin watchin' 'er arf an hour, and she ain't laid any yit."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "'Ere, just 'old my broom a minute. I'm just goin' up the street. If any of my regular customers comes, just arst 'em to wait a bit!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: ART IN WHITECHAPEL.
"Well, that's what I calls a himpossible persition to get yerself into!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Loafer (looking at a hundred pound dressing-bag)._ "I wonder wot sort of a bloke it is as wants a bag of tools like that to doss 'isself up with?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "Comin' up to 'Yde Park to 'ave a bave, 'Arry?"
"Yers--an' 'ave all me cloves run orf wiv. Not if _I_ know it!"]
THE c.o.c.kNEY'S ADDRESS TO THE SEA.--"With all thy faults I love thee _still_."
A COSTERMONGER'S CANT
Bill Coster said, "See them two fish?
Them there's both females, mister; A pilchard she in this here dish: That 'ere's her errin' sister."
FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS.--(_By a c.o.c.kney._) Why should not Dr. Watts'
poems be read by youth?
Because they contain _Hymn-morality_.
A LINE FROM BROWNING
(_For hairdressers who recommend a wonderful "Restorative," and are careless of the aspirate._)
"An everlasting wash of air."
A c.o.c.kNEY CON.--When may a man really be supposed to be hungry?
When he goes to Nor-(gnaw)wood for his dinner.
[Ill.u.s.tration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE.
_Stout Coster._ "Where are ye goin' to, Bill?"
_Bill._ "Inter the country for a nice drive, bein' Bank 'Olidy."
_Stout Coster._ "Same 'ere. I sy! don't yer think we might swop misseses just for a few hours? It would be so much kinder to the hanimile!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _'Arry (whose "Old Dutch" has been shopping, and has kept him waiting a considerable time)._ "Wot d'yer mean, keepin' me standin'
abaat 'ere like a bloomin' fool?"
