Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 16

_Artful Cabby._ "O, don't tell me the 'ouses, mum! Name some o' the churches, and then I shall know where I am!!"

[_Asks, and gets, an exorbitant fare without a murmur._

RUS IN URBE

(_A c.o.c.kney Rhapsody_)

As I stroll through Piccadilly, Scent of blossoms borne from Scilly Greet me. Jonquil, rose, and lily, Violet and daffydowndilly.

Oh, the feeling sweet and thrilly That these blossoms flounced and frilly From soft plains and headlands hilly Bring my breast in Piccadilly!

It subdues me, w.i.l.l.y nilly, Though such sentiment seems silly, And a bunch, dear, buys your w.i.l.l.y, To dispatch, by post, to Milly, Dwelling, far from Piccadilly, In moist lowlands, rushed and rilly, Blossomy as Penzance or Scilly.

Sweets to the sweet! "Poor Silly-Billy!"

You may say in accents trilly.

When the postman in the stilly Eve, from distant Piccadilly, Bears this box of rose and lily, Violet and daffodilly, To the rural maiden, Milly, From her urban lover, w.i.l.l.y.

P.S.--

Dry as toke and skilly, Is this arid Piccadilly, Notwithstanding rose and lily, All the beauteous blooms of Scilly, Reft of that flower of flowers--Milly.

So, at least, thinks "Silly Billy."

A c.o.c.kNEY'S EXCLAMATION UPON SEEING THE CELEBRATED HEIDELBERG TON.--"Well, it is (s)ton-ning!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: NATURAL HISTORY NOTES

_Country Cousin._ "Lor, Bill, ain't that a horstrich?"

_Bill._ "_Horstrich?_ 'Corse not. That 'ere's a _mongoose_!"]

SHAKESPEARE ON BLACKHEATH

I saw young 'Arry with his billyc.o.c.k on, Checked trousers on his thighs, with k.n.o.b stick armed, Climb from the ground like fat pig up a pole, And flop with such sore toil into his saddle, As though a bran-bag dropped down from the clouds, To turn and wind a slow "Jerusalem,"

And shock the world with clumsy a.s.smans.h.i.+p.

'ARRY'S LATEST CONUNDRUM.--Why is a t.i.tle-page like charity?--Becos it always begins a tome. (Begins at 'ome, don'tcher see!)

[Ill.u.s.tration: _c.o.c.kney Friend._ "Good 'evins! there's a pheasant!"

_Country Friend._ "Well, what of it?"

_c.o.c.kney._ "Why, it ain't the fust of Hoctober?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lady Visitor (at work-girls' club, giving some advice on manners)._ "And you know ladies never speak to gentlemen without an introduction."

_'Liza._ "We knows yer don't, miss, an' we offen pities yer!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN IDYLL

_Hemma._ "Oh, 'Arry, hain't this 'eavenly! You'll promise to give me 'am sandwiches always, when we're married, won't yer?"

_'Arry._ "'Corse I will!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Workman._ "Why don't yer buy yer _own_ matches, 'stead of always cadgin' mine?"

_Second Workman._ "You're uncommon mean with yer matches. I'll just take a few"--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--"and be hinderpendent of yer!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ERRAND BOYS

_First Boy._ "Where are yer goin' to, Bill?"

_Second Boy._ "I've got to go right over 'Ammersmith Bridge to Barnes, then I'se got to go to Putney and back by Fulham Road, then to 'Igh Street, Kensington."

_First Boy._ "Why, I've got to go to 'Igh Street. You go on. I'm in a bit of a hurry, but _I'll wait for yer_!"]

MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY.--A c.o.c.kney gentleman who had been hearing a concert of old music, where every piece that was performed was in the programme termed an "op.," observed, as he went out, "Well, after all these 'ops, I vote we have some malt."

c.o.c.kNEYISM IN THE COUNTRY.--_1st c.o.c.kney._ I say, what sort of a 'ouse will do for a fowl-'ouse?

_2nd c.o.c.kney._ Lor' bless yer, _hen_-ny 'ouse.

CONUNDRUM FOR c.o.c.kNEYS.--Which has the greater amount of animal heat, the beaver or the otter? Why, of course, the _otter_ of the two.