Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 4

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER THE RACES.

_Little 'Arry (who has had a "bad day"--to driver of public coach)._ "Ever lose any money backin' 'orses, coachie?"

_Driver._ "Not 'alf! Lost twenty quid once--backed a pair of 'orses and a homnibus into a shop window in Regent Street!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Lady._ "Dear me, what a nice refined-looking little boy. Why, Jane, he has a mouth fit for a cherub; I really must give him sixpence."

[_Does so._

_The Cherub (five seconds later)._ "S-s-s-s!! Billee! the old gal's give me a tanner!"]

BY OUR c.o.c.kNEY

When is a yew tree not a yew tree? When it's a 'igh tree.

Talking of that, _Mr. P._, what a nice line the Great Northern to Hedgware is, to be sure. I am, as you know, werry partickler about my "H"s, but "'ang me," as my friend 'Arry Belleville says, "if t'ain't 'nough to spoil your p.r.o.nuns.h.i.+ashun for a hage and hall time to 'ave to 'ear such names of stations one atop of tother, as the followin', as called out by the porters an' guards:"

'Olloway.

Seven Scissors Road.

Crouch Hend.

'Ighgate and 'Ampstead.

Heast Hend.

Finchley and 'Endon.

Mill 'Ill.

Hedgware.

There's a lot for you! And t'other line goes to 'Arford, 'Atfield, and Saint All-buns. Saint _All Buns_ would be a good feast, eh, sir?

Yours,

_Hivy 'Ouse, 'Oxton._

ENERY.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Combatant._ "----!----!----! &c."

_Bystander._ "Why don't yer answer 'im back?"

_Second Combatant._ "'Ow can I? 'E's used all the best words!"]

A c.o.c.kNEY RHAPSODY

[A critic in the _Daily News_ accuses artists generally of ignorance in their treatment of rural subjects, and declares that nearly every picture of work in the hay or harvest field is incorrect.]

Come revel with me in the country's delights, Its rapturous pleasures, its marvellous sights; No landscape of common or garden I praise, But Nature's strange charms that the painter pourtrays.

No summer begins there, and spring never ends, It mingles with autumn, with winter it blends; Its primroses bloom when the barley is ripe, Amid its red apples the nightingales pipe.

There often the shadow falls southward at noon, And sunrise is hailed by the pale crescent moon, The sun sets at will in the east or the west, In the grove where the cuckoo is building her nest.

There the milkmaid sits down to the left of the cow, In harvest they sow, and in haytime they plough; While mowers, in att.i.tudes gladsome and blythe, Impossible antics perform with the scythe.

There huntsmen in June after foxes may roam, And horses unbridled go champing with foam; From torrents by winter fierce swollen and high, The proud salmon leaps in pursuit of the fly.

Ah Nature! it's little--I own for my part-- I know of your face save as mirrored in art; Yet, vainly shall critics begrudge me that charm, For a fellow can paint without learning to farm.

[Ill.u.s.tration: BETHNAL GREEN.

_East-Ender._ "'Ary Scheffer!' Hignorant fellers, these foreigners Bill!

Spells 'Enery without the haitch!"]

OVERHEARD AT A MEETING OF THE UP-IN-A-BALLOON SOCIETY.

_'Arry._ Wot's the difference between Nelson and that cove in the chair?

_Charlie._ Give it up, mate.

_'Arry._ Wy, _Nelson_ was a nautical 'ero, and this chap's a _'ero nautical_, to be sure.

'ARRY 'AD--FOR ONCE.--SCENE--_Exterior of St. James's Hall on a Schumann and Joachim Night._

_'Arry (meeting High-Art Musical Friend, who has come out during an interval, after a.s.sisting at Madame Schumann's magnificent reception)._ 'Ullo! What's up? What are they at now?

_High-Art Friend (consulting programme)._ Let me see. They've done "Op.

13." Ah, yes! They've just got to "Op. 44."

_'Arry (astounded)._ 'Op forty-four! St. James's 'All got a dancin'

licence! Hooray! I'm all there! I'll go in for 'Op forty-five. What is it, a waltz or a polka?

[_Rushes to the pay-place._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "RUDE AM I IN MY SPEECH" (OTh.e.l.lO)