Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 16

DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUNTEERS

1. DON'T go to camp. But if you do,

2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find adjutant's parade in the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore, and so bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the "pallia.s.se"--(besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?)--they can only give you a few years' imprisonment for repeated mutinous conduct, and you could doubtless pet.i.tion the Home Secretary for an aggravation of your sentence.

3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks from the adjutant. Do answer him back. You know quite well that in private life you would not put up with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive language, nor permit him to hector you because your collar was not clean, and if you _have_ come on parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what right has he to say that it makes him furious? Do point out to him how absurd it is to expect such minute attention to discipline on the part of so intelligent a volunteer as yourself.

4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your heart by "doubling" up impossible hills, merely because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it looks pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to do anything that was necessary, but how can the empire's safety depend upon your losing your wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest friends, with a handkerchief tied round their sleeves?

5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave with, and an extra blanket when the nights get chilly. Very probably the captain of your company would turn out of his bed and take your pallia.s.se if you asked him nicely.

6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide an efficient staff of servants.

7. Don't do anything you would rather not.

8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much better than your officers.

9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison.

10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again.

11. Don't keep it.

BUTS AT BISLEY

_(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_

The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary "accident."

Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the s.h.i.+ftiness of the wind.

The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely a.s.sist in getting on the target.

It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp, _but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money.

It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn is preferable.

Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal neighbour.

Distinctly it is n.o.bly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A., in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble?

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger."

_Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a funeral!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF.

(Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut.

Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the General and British public what he knows._)

_General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest possible way, facing north-east?"

_Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you know, that's always what I've wondered."

[_Report on subaltern officers--bad._

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of."

_Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother."

_First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877).

_Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say, youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're about!"

_Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!"

_Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like a Methodist parson in reduced circ.u.mstances!--Hold up your head, sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the windows!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin'

in the park!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DILEMMA.

_Auxiliary Recruit (to himself)._ "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?

'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself anyhow!"

[_Throws up both hands._