The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 10

To the chancellor of France, _My Lord_, and _Your Lords.h.i.+p_.

The t.i.tle _Excellency_ is not given to ladies.

Persons who have an exact knowledge of the language and usage of the court, know what is the most proper manner of expressing themselves. We will give some examples in which the different degrees of respect may be readily perceived.

'I have received the letter with which you have been pleased to honor me.'

'I have received the letter which you have done me the favor to write to me, which you have done me the honor to write to me, which you have taken the trouble to write to me.'

There are some persons who commence their letters with these words; _I have received yours of the 12th current_; this is a fault; we should say, _your letter_. The first is the style of those people who, being pressed with business, are obliged to make abbreviations; and we must, in the common customs of life, beware of imitating them in this respect.

We may say the same in respect to persons who write at the top of their letters, '_I_ have received _your honored letter_ of such a date;' or, 'in answer to _your honored letter_;' or, '_I write you these few words_.' All these forms are objectionable.

We should never repeat in the first sentence of a letter, the names _My Lord_, _Sir_, or _Madam_, with which we began. But if we write to a prince, or even to a minister, we should after the first line use the words, _Your Majesty_, _Your Highness_, or _Your Excellency_, and repeat them from time to time, in the course of the letter, if it is of some length.

As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say simply, _I am_, without adding some such phrase as these; _With the most profound respect_; _with profound respect_, _with the highest regard_, &c. To persons who have the t.i.tle of _majesty_, _highness_, _eminence_, &c. we say, _I am your majesty's_, or _your highness's_, &c. _very humble_, &c.

The words _esteem_ and _affection_ are used only in letters to friends or acquaintance, because they are too familiar; but when accompanied by any words which relieve them, they do not offend one. As for example, we can say, _I am with profound respect, and the highest esteem_, &c.

The following forms may be used with elegance;

Accept, Sir, the a.s.surances of high consideration; be pleased to accept the a.s.surances, &c.

Letters of pet.i.tion or request should be in folio, that is to say, upon a sheet of paper in its full size; the margin should be half the breadth of the page; the s.p.a.ces and blanks which we ought to leave between the upper edge of the paper and the _vedette_,[16] and between the _vedette_ and the first line, are very different, according to the degree of inferiority or superiority. The greater these s.p.a.ces are, the more respect do they indicate. The first line ought always to begin below the middle of the page, when we write to a person to whom we owe much respect; but the second page should begin one line below the _vedette_.

A blank s.p.a.ce should always be left between the last words of the signature, and the lower edge of the paper. If there should not be sufficient room, it would be better to carry one or two lines over to the succeeding page, than to fail in this respect.

For a familiar letter, it has become fas.h.i.+onable to leave no margin at all. It is, however, in these letters only that margins can be useful, namely, in receiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled.

The date of a letter may be put at the beginning when we write to an equal; but in writing to a superior, it should be at the end, in order that the t.i.tle at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In letters of business, on the contrary, it is necessary to date at the top and on the first line, that persons may know conveniently, the chronological order of their communications.

The date is often necessary to the understanding of many pa.s.sages of your letter, or to explain the sense of one which your correspondent may have received at the same time from another person.

In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, _Monday_, &c. It is well sometimes to add the hour.

Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in an envelope. It shows a want of respect to seal with a wafer; we must use sealing-wax. Men usually select red; but young ladies use gilt, rose, and other colors.

Both use black wax when they are in mourning. Except in this last case, the color is immaterial, but not the size, for very large ones are in bad taste. The smaller and more glossy, the better _ton_ they are.

Although sealing-wax is preferable, still we must sometimes avoid using it; it is when we are afraid that the seal may be opened.

When the letter is closed with or without an envelope, we put only a single seal upon it; but if the letter is large, we use two. Moreover, if it contains important papers, it should have three seals or more, according to the nature of the envelope. If a person takes charge of a letter as a favor, it would be very impolite to put more than one seal upon it. If the letter should be folded in such a manner that by partly opening it at the end, its contents may be read, it would be equally impolite to put a little wax upon the edges. We can use this precaution only when the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic.

When we use no envelope, and the third page of the letter is all written upon, we should leave a small blank s.p.a.ce where the seal is to be put; without this precaution, many very important words will be covered.

We should not seal a letter of respect with an antique device. It is more polite to use our coat of arms or cipher.

Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt a seal bearing some ingenious device, in keeping with their profession, sentiments, &c.

A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of introduction or recommendation, ought never to be sealed, since the bearer ought necessarily to know the contents. But to seal it without having first allowed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. You should prove to the person recommended, that you have spared no pains to render him a service.

It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a letter like an apothecary's packet, who omit to press the wafer with a seal, or secure it by p.r.i.c.king it in every part with the point of a pin.

We never seal pet.i.tions which are to be presented to the king, and to the members of the royal family.

Some distinguished persons are flattered in writing to them, by our omitting to designate precisely their address. It is an error; we should indicate with exactness the town, and the province, state, &c. if there is more than one town of the same name. In a large city, it is well to write the name of the street and number, and the quarter of the city where the street is. People of business, abbreviate this by putting N and the number, or the number alone; this practice is more expeditious than polite.

We generally address a letter to one person only; but in certain cases we may address to two or more collectively.

It is well to add to the name, the t.i.tle or profession, in order to prevent mistake. However, if circ.u.mstances have obliged any one of your acquaintance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a want of delicacy to join to his name that of his business.

When we write to the king, we put simply in the address, _To the King_.

To foreign kings we say, _To his Catholic Majesty_, _his Britannic Majesty_, &c.

To persons who have the t.i.tle of highness, we say, _To his Highness_, and then their quality or rank. To ministers and amba.s.sadors, we say, _To his Excellency, the Minister_, or _Amba.s.sador_. If a person has many t.i.tles, we select the highest, and omit the others.

In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, and begin the letter about two inches below. The word _Sir_ is put in the first line.

We conclude with one of these phrases, _I am, Sir, yours_; _I am entirely yours_, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid ceremony.

The most familiar billets are written in the third person, contrary to the common practice. They contain very little, and begin thus, _Mr._ or _Madam N present their respects_, or _compliments, to Mr. Such-a-one, and request_, &c. After having made the request, we end with, _and he will oblige his humble servant_.

In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the p.r.o.noun _he_ or _she_, for independently of the incivility, it might result in confusion. Sometimes it would be difficult to know whether the p.r.o.noun referred to the person who received the letter, or to the one who wrote it.

I shall conclude this chapter by an observation relative to friendly and familiar letters; not that I have the folly to pretend to regulate by any ceremonial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in reality nothing more cold and ridiculous, than acc.u.mulations of epithets like these, _Your tender, sincere and constant friend_, &c.

[16] See page 137.

CHAPTER VIII.

_Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations._

I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions, such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, confidential communications, &c.

SECTION I.

_Of an Obliging Deportment._

Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them.

They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still inspire us with grat.i.tude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks, without affectation or effort.

This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding, is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services, who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of ourselves, they make grat.i.tude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you any favor, reply kindly, "I am at your service, and shall be very happy to render you any a.s.sistance in my power;" or else, with a sad manner, lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be a.s.sured beforehand that none exists.

Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above.

In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy a.s.sistance may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before resolving to importune you anew.

Make use then of despatch. If any circ.u.mstances prevent you from acting, inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you, should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting you with an air of dissatisfaction.