The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 9

Under any circ.u.mstances, complaining has always a bad grace.

Banish from your complaints ill-nature and animosity; let your anger be only an expression of the wrong you have suffered, and not of that which you would cause; this is the surest means of gaining to your side persons who would perhaps be doubtful whether to favor your adversary or yourself.

Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive complaints to the first person you meet, than to the frequent and extravagant eulogiums which you bestow improperly upon those from whom you expect a favor in return.

By the word improprieties, we generally understand all violations of politeness. We, however, give to this word a particular and limited sense. It signifies a want of due regard to, and a forgetfulness of, the delicate attentions which seem to identify us with the situation of others. We will mention some examples of these particular violations of politeness. To accost sad people with a smiling face and sprightly manners, which prove to them the little interest which you take in their situation; to trouble by a whimsical and cross ill-humor, and by misanthropic declamations, the pleasure of contented persons; to exalt the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or those who are naturally unfortunate; to speak of the power that wealth bestows in the presence of people hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune; to boast of one's strength or health before a valetudinarian, &c.

The sense which we here give to the term _prejudices_ is still more limited than that which we have just given to the expression _improprieties_.

We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous judgments, acknowledged as such, which though undermined, and shaken, are still respected by that society which they torment. We wish only to admonish our fair readers of those unfriendly prejudices of nation against nation, city against city, and section against section; that malevolent disposition which with a Parisian makes the name _provincial_, synonymous with awkwardness and bad _ton_, and which, in the saloons of the Chausee d'Antin, allows no favor to persons lodging in the Marais; because the people of the Marais, provincials and Englishmen, do not consider it any fault to return prejudice for prejudice, and contempt for contempt.

CHAPTER VII.

_Of Epistolary Composition._

Next to social communications by means of visits and conversation, are communications by means of letters and billets. It is not only absence, but a multiplicity of business, and a great number of relations which give a very great extension to this part of our social interests.

Our readers have too much judgment to think that we wish to give them lessons in style, or teach them how they should write letters of friends.h.i.+p, of congratulation, of condolence, of apology, of recommendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. This enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of it. Some general reflections upon propriety in epistolary composition, and strict details of the forms and ceremonial parts of letters, will compose this important chapter.

SECTION I.

_Of Propriety in Letter Writing._

If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety of language, its choice and graceful euphony, how much more is it necessary to endeavor to make our style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appropriate to all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces us frequently to sacrifice happy though tardy expressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy; but what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not interfere with the use of the pen. We ought, therefore, to avoid repet.i.tions, erasing, insertions, omissions, and confusion of ideas or labored construction.

If we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, these blemishes may remain; but otherwise, we must commence our letter again.

The most exact observance of the rules of language is strictly necessary; a fault of orthography, or an incorrect expression, are not allowable, even in the least careful letter or the most unimportant billet. Even correction is not admissible; for, besides being a blemish to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or inattention of him who writes it. For these reasons, it is well to make a rough draft, if we are little accustomed to epistolary style, and if being very young, we cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax, and the dictionary. Some persons, it is true, censure this precaution, which, say they, marks the style with affectation and stiffness. This censure does not seem to me well-founded. The loss of time which this method requires, is a more real inconvenience; and for this reason, and on account of the embarra.s.sment with which we may be troubled, it is well to accustom ourselves to writing a letter _extempore_ with neatness, elegance and correctness.

The choice of materials for writing, without being very essential, is yet necessary; to write on very coa.r.s.e paper, is allowable only to the most indigent; to use gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought always to be in keeping with the person, the age, the s.e.x, and the circ.u.mstances of the correspondents. Ornamented paper, of which we have just spoken; paper bordered with colored vignettes and embossed with ornaments in relief upon the edges; and paper slightly colored with delicate shades, are designed for young ladies, and those whose condition, taste, and dignity, presuppose habits of luxury and elegance. Many distinguished people, however, reasonably prefer simplicity in this thing, and make use of very beautiful paper, but yet without ornament.

People of business, heads of companies or establishments, and persons of distinction, with many t.i.tles, use paper printed at the top, that is to say, having the name of their residence, the three first figures of the date of the year, their address, and these words, _Mr. ----_, (here follow the t.i.tles) to _Mr. ----_.

It is extremely impolite to write a letter upon a single leaf of paper, even if it is a billet; it should be always double, even though we write only two or three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an envelope, paper on which there are one or two words foreign to the letter itself, whether they be written or printed.

Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half-envelopes, are little used.

A folded letter, especially if written upon vellum paper, should be pressed at the folds by means of a paper-folder.

The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide as to the expense of postage. They require us to defray the expense of the letter if it is written to distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask any favor; but it would be an incivility, and sometimes a want of delicacy, to do it when we write to a friend, an acquaintance, or to persons of little fortune, whose feelings we should fear to wound. We must therefore, in order to save them the expense as well as to avoid dissatisfaction, endeavor to make some excuse of business.

Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, are usually written beforehand, in order to arrive on the previous or very same day. This is particularly required towards relations; for friends and intimate acquaintances, the following week will do, and for other persons, any time within the month.

It is as indispensable to answer when you are written to, as when you are spoken to, and the indolence which so many correspondents allow in themselves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after all they decide to answer, they begin by apologies so constantly renewed, that they become common-place. We must use much care that these excuses may not be ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms of expression, are, in this case, indispensable. The same observation is applicable in making use of reproving terms.

Letters supply the place of visits, as we have seen, in bestowing presents, or on occasions of marriages, funerals, &c.; to neglect to write in a similar case, is gross impoliteness.

Two persons should not write in the same letter, by one writing upon the first, and another upon the second leaf, except we are intimate with the correspondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It is not allowable, except to familiar friends, to use expressions borrowed from foreign languages, as for instance the phrase of the Italians, _I kiss your hands_, &c. The language of men who write to ladies ought always to have a polish of respect, with which the latter might dispense in answering. Except on occasions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to address to a man such phrases as, _I have the honor to be_, &c. while the latter should use the most respectful terms, as _Deign, madam, to allow me_; _allow me the honor of presenting you my respects_, &c.

You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; on easy, trifling, or even jesting style, towards a friend; and a courteous style towards ladies generally. You should not write in a trifling style to persons of a higher standing. It sometimes happens that a man of superior rank honors with his friends.h.i.+p a man of lower condition, and is pleased that the latter writes to him without ceremony. In this case we may use the privilege which is given us; but we must take care not to abuse it, and to make known from time to time that we are ready to confine ourselves within respectful bounds.

When you write upon any subject, consider it fully before putting it upon paper, and treat of each topic in order, that you may not be obliged to recur to any one again, after having spoken of another thing.

If you have many subjects to treat of in the same letter, commence with the most important; for if the person to whom you write is interrupted while reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume the reading, however little interesting he may find it.

It is useful and convenient to begin a new paragraph at every change of the subject.

After having written _Sir_ or _Madam_ at the top of the letter, we should not commence with one of these phrases; _Sir, madam --, your sister, has written me, that_. We should say, _I understand by a letter which madam --, your sister, has written me_.

Take care also, when writing to a person worthy of respect, not to make compliments to any one. But write to this third person whatever you wish him to know.

t.i.tles of respect, as _Lords.h.i.+p_, _Majesty_, _Highness_, _Excellency_, _Honor_, _Madam_, &c. ought never to be abbreviated, either in writing to the persons themselves, or to any one who has acquaintance with them.

Figures are used only for sums and dates; numbers of men, days, weeks, &c. are to be written at length.

SECTION II.

_Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters._

The interior form of a letter comprehends the t.i.tles and qualities of persons to whom it is proper to give them; the more or less courteous phrases which we use; the more or less respectful manner with which the commencement and body of the letter are to be arranged; and the more or less humble terms which we are to use for the signature, the address or the superscription.

The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the size of the paper; the blank that we should leave between the _vedette_, (or line containing only the name) and the first line; between the last line, the appellation, and signature; the manner of folding the letter, and the choice and mode of putting on the seal.

In addressing the pope, we say at the top of the letter, _Holy Father_, or _Most Holy Father_; and instead of _You_, we should say, _Your Holiness_; to a prince cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Most Eminent Highness_.

To a cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Eminence_.

To an archbishop or bishop, _My Lord_, and _Your Grace_.

To an emperor or empress, we say, _Sire_, or _Madam_; and instead of _You_, we say, _Your Imperial Majesty_.

To a king we also say, _Sire_, and _Your Majesty_.

To a queen, _Madam_, and _Your Majesty_.

To the brother of a king, _Your Royal Highness_.

To an elector of the empire, _Your Electoral Highness_.

To a sovereign prince, _Your Most Serene Highness_.

To a prince, _Your Highness_.

To an amba.s.sador or minister, _Your Excellency_.