The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 2

We said before that the dress should be adapted to the different hours of the day. Ladies should make morning calls in an elegant and simple neglige, all the details of which we cannot give, on account of their multiplicity and the numerous modification of fas.h.i.+on. We shall only say that ladies generally should make these calls in the dress which they wear at home. Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business. In short, this dress is proper for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. With regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with more care. Ceremonious visits, evening visits, and especially b.a.l.l.s, require more attention to the dress of gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. There are for the latter, head-dresses particularly designed for such occasions, and for no other, such as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, brilliant _berrets_ and _toques_, appropriate to the drawing-room.

The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an elegant but plain waistcoat; a beautiful watch, to which is attached a single costly key, thin and well polished shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior quality--this is a dress at once recherche and rigorously exact, for gentlemen of good taste and _ton_. One's profession requires very little modification of this costume; we should observe, however, that men of science (savans) and literary men and those in the profession of the law, should avoid having a fas.h.i.+onable or military costume, which is generally adopted by students, commercial men, and _exquisites_, for the sake of _ton_ or for want of something to do.

Situation in the world determines among ladies, those differences, which though otherwise well marked, are becoming less so every day. Every one knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherche appearance and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves of the pleasure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of the man of their choice.

All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege which marriage confers upon them in this respect, and the toilet of those whose fortune is moderate should not pa.s.s the bounds of an elegant simplicity.

Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good domestic order, the dignity of a wife, and the duties of a mother, come in support of this law of propriety, for it concerns morality in all its branches.

We must beware of a shoal in this case; frequently a young lady of small fortune, desiring to appear decently in any splendid a.s.sembly, makes sacrifices in order to embellish her modest attire. But these sacrifices are necessarily inadequate; a new and brilliant article of dress is placed by the side of a mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, whatever be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that no riches are able to satisfy its demands; but fortunately propriety, always in accordance with reason, encourages by this maxim social and sensible women. Neither too high, nor too low; it is equally ridiculous either to pretend to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire in an a.s.sembly.

The rules suitable to age resemble those which mediocrity of fortune imposes; for instance, old ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, recherche designs, too late fas.h.i.+ons, and graceful ornaments, as feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her decline dressed in her hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars, bracelets, &c. offends against propriety as much as against her interest and dignity.

The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to choose grave colors, not to follow the fas.h.i.+ons too closely; to avoid garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet any other object but ease and neatness. Unless the care of their health, or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,[8] it is more proper that old persons should show their white and n.o.ble heads. Old ladies, whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life, should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls.

If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for winter or summer, as may be suitable. It is in good ton for gentlemen to wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer coats.

To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for us to make a few observations.

It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously travelling in the dust or mud.

Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by making your dress the description of your person.

Certain fas.h.i.+onables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fas.h.i.+ons. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fas.h.i.+ons and asks how long they will probably last before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with success according to her size and figure.

It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house, especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black at a short distance from the house.

[8] Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the anatomist.

SECTION II.

_Of Reputation._

Among the cares which propriety obliges us to take of our person, to please is but an accessary circ.u.mstance; the princ.i.p.al end is to indicate by cleanliness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good order, a sense of what is right, and politeness in all things, direct our thoughts and actions. In this point of view, we see that a regard to reputation is the necessary consequence of the duties of propriety toward one's self.

To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the grand object of propriety of conduct; for without this treasure, the relations of society would be a humiliation and punishment. They are obtained by the accomplishment of our obligations of family and of our profession; by our probity and good manners; by our fortune and situation in society.

Consideration is not acquired by words; an article so precious demands a real value; it demands also the a.s.sistance of discretion. So that we must begin by fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations; but we must beware of making public those petty quarrels, and little differences of interest, of ill humor or opinion, which sometimes trouble families most closely united. These momentary clouds, soon dissipated by affection and confidence, would be engraven on the memory of others as a proof of your domestic discords, and in the end, of your faults.[9]

Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consideration, by its elevated and religious nature, is not within our investigation of the principles of politeness.

This is not the case with that consideration which is attached to purity of morals. The proof of probity is in probity itself; but, thanks to the delicate shades of reputation, in regard to chast.i.ty, there exists, independently of good conduct, a mult.i.tude of cares, and precautions, which, however minute and embarra.s.sing at times, ought never to be neglected. Ladies, to whom the advice contained in this paragraph is particularly addressed, know how the shadow of suspicion withers and torments them. This shadow, it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, and on that account to submit to all the requirements of propriety.

Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by themselves their acquaintances, but they cannot present themselves in public without their husband, or an aged lady. They are at liberty however to walk with young married ladies or unmarried ones, while the latter should never walk alone with their companions. Neither should they show themselves except with a gentleman of their family, and then he should be a near relation or of respectable age.

Except in certain provincial towns, where there is a great strictness in behavior, young married ladies receive the visits of gentlemen; they permit their company in promenades, without suffering the least injury to their reputation, provided it is always with men of good morals, and that they take care to avoid every appearance of coquetry. Young widows have equal liberty with married ladies.

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless she goes there to study or work as an artist.

A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side and the other, especially in large towns, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. If such persons address her in any flattering or insignificant terms, she should take good care not to answer them a word. If they persist, she should tell them in a brief and firm, though polite tone, that she desires to be left to herself. If a man follow her in silence, she should pretend not to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little her step.

Towards the close of the day, a young lady would conduct herself in an unbecoming manner, if she should go alone; and if she pa.s.ses the evening with any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to accompany her, if not, to request the person whom she is visiting, to allow some one to do so. But however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an obligation, a married lady well educated will disregard it if circ.u.mstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a conductor.

If the master of the house wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself politely from giving him so much trouble, but finish however by accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request your husband, or some one of your relations to come and wait upon you; you will in this way avoid still another inconvenience; in small towns, where malice is excited by ignorance and want of something to do, they frequently censure the most innocent acts; it is not uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips observe, that madame such-a-one goes to madame such-a-one's for the sake of returning with her husband. The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly come to maturity.

The care of the reputation of ladies further demands that they should have a modest deportment; should abstain from forward manners, and free speeches.

[9] As to the means of obtaining consideration, in performing the duties appertaining to our station in life, see the following chapters.

CHAPTER V.

_Of propriety, in regard to one's business or profession._

Besides general politeness, that ready money which is current with all, there is a polite deportment suited to every profession. Interest, custom, and the desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderating the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates us,--are the motives which determine the different kinds of politeness that we are going to consider as regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, physicians, artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. As all this politeness is mutual, we shall necessarily speak of the obligations imposed upon people who have intercourse with these different persons.

SECTION I.

_Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers._

Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, which the greater part of them are careful not to neglect, especially at Paris, where we find particularly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is this model that we wish to hold up even to some Parisians, and to the retail dealers of the provincial towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted with trade, but are destined to that profession.

When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should salute him politely, without inquiring after his health, unless he be intimately acquainted with him. He then waits until the customer has made known his wishes, advances toward him, or brings forward a seat, then shows him, with great civility, the articles for which he has inquired. If the purchaser be difficult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, the shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it; he may however in such cases, show a little coldness of manner.

The part which shopkeepers have to act is frequently painful, we must allow; there are some people who treat them like servants; there are some _capricious fas.h.i.+onables_, who go into a shop only to pa.s.s the time, to see the new fas.h.i.+ons, and who, with this object make the shopkeeper open a hundred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by going out, saying in a disdainful tone that nothing suits them. There are some merciless purchasers who contend for a few cents with all the tenacity of avarice, obstinacy and pride; however, under all these vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant urbanity. He waits upon such imperious purchasers with readiness, but nevertheless in silence, for he must be convinced that the more complying we are to people of this sort, the more haughty and difficult they show themselves.

With _capricious fas.h.i.+onables_, his patience should never forsake him; and although he well knows what will be the result of their fatiguing call, he nevertheless should show them his goods, as if he thought they really intended to buy; for sometimes this tempts them to purchase. Even though his politeness should be all lost, he should still express his regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and hope to be more fortunate another time; he should then conduct her politely to the door, which he should hold open until her carriage leaves it.

A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words and vexation, who even feels the dignity of his profession, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he does not announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least to adopt it, and not to have what is called an _asking_ price. If however he has to do with those gossips who think themselves cheated unless something is abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the shopkeepers, it is necessary to carry on this ridiculous skirmis.h.i.+ng politely, and to yield by degrees, without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these endless debates. But the dealer of _bon ton_ abstains from those lofty a.s.surances, those laughable adjurations, declarations of loss, and of preference, as, _I lose all profit, it is because it is you_, and other foolish things, which make a lackey's office of a truly respectable profession.

The clerks should carry the articles purchased to the desk, whither they should politely conduct the purchaser; they then should make up the bundle which they should not deliver until the bill is settled, and the purchaser is ready to depart. If the latter is not on foot, the bundle should not be delivered until he is seated in the carriage, and the door is ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purchaser is not in a carriage, he must be asked whether he wishes to have the bundle carried home. This politeness is indispensable if the bundle is large, and especially if the purchaser is a lady.

It is further necessary that the person at the desk should offer small change for the balance of the purchase, and should apologise if he is obliged to give copper or heavy money; he ought to present a bill of the articles, and not show any ill-humor if the purchaser thinks proper to look over it.

There is one circ.u.mstance which tries the politeness of the most civil shopkeepers; it is when an a.s.sortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome enough to show a great quant.i.ty of goods, and give patterns of them, with the certainty almost that all you do will avail nothing. But it ought not to be forgotten, that like all other qualities, politeness has its trials, and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced to call at their shop, will be induced by this amenity of behavior, to continue always a customer.

We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the recommendations which we are now about to give them, will not see any silly attempt to address them with smart sayings.

By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility--a disrespectful familiarity toward ladies--extravagant praises of their goods--an affected zeal in serving rich persons--an impolite tardiness, and disdainful inattention to people of a diffident manner--the ridiculous habit of wis.h.i.+ng to make conversation--to urge people to buy whether they wish to or not--to stun them with the names of all the goods in the shop--by enjoining upon them to avoid these things, we intend less to join in than to preserve them from the reproaches of fault finders.

Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to the unpleasantness of his profession, and trouble themselves little at violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow themselves so many infractions on this point, that I think it my duty to dwell upon it.

You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but, _have the goodness to show me_, or _show me, if you please, that article_, or use some other polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all you cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies, when you go away.