The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 3

If you make small purchases, say, _I ask your pardon_, or _I am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeeper who waits for you to decide.

If the price seems to you too high, and that the shop has not fixed prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference. If the clerk ends by asking whether you wish for any other article, answer always in a manner to encourage him that you will call again. We should never neglect to be agreeable. Thank him always when you go out.

SECTION II.

_Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public._

This is not very conspicuous; nor can it be, since in this case, the desire of pleasing and the expectation of gain, have no influence.

Besides, as we remain but a moment with these gentlemen, and as they have business with a great many people, the observances and forms of politeness would be misplaced. The following are points to be observed by them, and are by no means rigid; the greater therefore the reason for conforming to them.

A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute people, nor to offer them a seat; it is enough for him to receive them by an inclination of the head, and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them to be seated. The business being finished, he salutes them on leaving, as before, and never conducts them back to the door. It would be ridiculous to be offended with these _bureaucratic_ forms, and still more so, to wish to enter into conversation, to make inquiries concerning the health, &c. In proportion to their official habits, those in office ought to watch themselves with care in society.

SECTION III.

_Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients._

Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respectable cla.s.s, who see constantly before their eyes people always animated with a feeling which renders them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being in the habit of refuting their adversaries, and being obliged to do it promptly, they acquire, in general, a kind of bluntness, a decisive tone, a spirit of contradiction, of which they ought to be distrustful in society, and also in their places of business. The familiar usage of common inquiries after the health is not customary between attorneys or advocates and their clients, unless they have before been acquainted with them. They are however bound to observe attentions which are not practised by persons in office. They rise to salute their clients, offer them a seat, and conduct them to the door when they take leave; they observe what is due to s.e.x, rank, and age.

As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordinary rules of civility; they ought, moreover, not to exhibit any signs of impatience while they are waiting until they can be received. They should take care to be clear and precise in the narration of their business, and not to importune by vain repet.i.tions or pa.s.sionate declamations, the counsellor who is listening to them. They should also consider that his moments are precious, and should retire so soon as they shall have sufficiently instructed him in their business.

SECTION IV.

_Politeness of Physicians and their Patients._

The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, are likewise practised with consulting physicians; but sympathy should give to the tone or manner of the latter a more affectionate character. Patients well educated will beware of abusing it, and will keep to themselves all complaints which are useless towards a knowledge of their malady. They will answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief, and polite manner; and when these questions do not embrace the observations which they may have made on their own disorder, they will say so, at the same time observing some excuse like the following; _I ask your pardon; this observation is perhaps idle, but being myself ignorant, and wis.h.i.+ng to omit nothing, I submit it to your good judgment._

You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks to the physician who affords you his advice or attentions. The circ.u.mstance of his being unsuccessful does not exonerate you from these testimonies of grat.i.tude; it renders them perhaps more obligatory, for delicacy requires that you should not appear tacitly to reproach him on account of his having been unfortunate in his efforts.

Being obliged to speak of different wants, and of different parts of the body, for which politeness has no appropriate language, the physician ought to avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when addressing ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often renders insupportable even a meritorious and learned man.

Every one knows, with what delicate precautions a physician ought to speak before the patient and his family, of the nature of the illness and of the probable consequences when there exists any danger; in what guarded terms he should at last disclose to them a fatal termination, if unfortunately it has become inevitable. Every body knows, also, that however poignant may be the grief of parents, they ought never to let it appear in their conversations with the physician, that they regard him as the cause of their affliction.

SECTION V.

_Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference due to them._

Do artists come under the common rule, it will perhaps be said? and I shall ask, in my turn: Do they live like others,--these men, always absorbed in one strong and single conception, with which they, like the Creator, wish to animate matter?--who seek everywhere the secret of the beautiful which goads, infatuates, and evades them?--pa.s.sionate, absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost always strangers to calculation, to pleasure, and to the occupations of the world? No, they have a separate existence, one which the world does not comprehend, and which they ought to conceal from the world.

If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid speaking of his profession, and of his personal affairs, for a still stronger reason, an artist ought to be silent about his own labors, his success, and his hopes. People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and perhaps even of madness; for enthusiasm is not included in, nor admitted into society, because there the ridiculous is feared above everything, _and from the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step_. Let him, then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends of the arts, his n.o.ble and striking bursts of inspiration.

People are also generally p.r.o.ne to suspect artists of jealousy. In order to escape this accusation, and at the same time preserve the right of telling their thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what appears to them good, and criticise with much moderation and without any raillery what is defective.

These observations are addressed equally to authors, with this important addition. Besides the charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to accuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be careful, and check constantly the desire of entering into conversation upon the interesting subjects with which they are continually occupied. Let them always be in fear of obtaining the name of a _bel esprit_, a name which calls up so many recollections of pedantry and affectation.

A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of elevation and navete, should characterise authors and artists, but particularly female authors and artists. Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pencil, ought to be well persuaded that any vestige of prejudice raises against them, especially in provincial places, a mult.i.tude of unfavorable observations. And besides, so many half-instructed women have had so much the air and manners of upstarts, that this opinion is almost excusable. Now this prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female author or artist may be known at first sight, by her oddities, her want of modesty, or her pedantic folly. Do away this unjust prejudice, my female friends: it will be both easy and pleasant; you will have only to follow the influence of an elevated soul, a pure taste; you will have but to remind yourselves that simplicity is the coquetry of genius.

But if people who cultivate literature and the arts ought to apply themselves without reluctance or ill-humor to all the requirements of society; if they ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and forget themselves, others should not forget them. Politeness requires that we converse with an author concerning his works; that we congratulate him on his success; that we bestow upon him suitable and delicate praises.

If any of his works are unknown to us, we should ask of him the loan of it with earnestness; we should read it with prompt.i.tude, and prove to him by our citations that we have a thorough acquaintance with it. If he makes us a present of any of his productions, we shall owe him a call, or at least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, and lively testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to fill up this visit or billet.

Remember, also, that to please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at once his taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine arts.

Speak to him therefore like a connoisseur, or at least an admirer of music, or of painting. Ask the favor of seeing his pictures, or of hearing his symphonies. Contemplate the former a long time; listen to the latter with great attention; address to him lively congratulations mingled with thanks; then, by an adroit transition, put to him questions which prove your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of the arts.

When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable distinction, as a prize, a medal, dramatic success, or an academical t.i.tle, his friends and acquaintances should lose no time in offering him their compliments.

Those at a distance, may perform _this duty_ of politeness by writing.

Not only authors by profession, but literary persons who publish a discourse, a little work, or a pamphlet, should send, in an envelope, a copy to their family, friends, professional brethren, authors who have addressed to them similar presents, to their intimate acquaintances, their superiors, and to those persons to whom they owe respect--according to the nature of the work, and to the people with whom they have relations of pleasure, or of business. It is an affectionate and very polite custom for the author to write with his own hand at the top of the first leaf or of the cover, some kind or respectful words, according to the person to whom it is addressed. These words, which are designed to make of the gift a remembrance or homage, are always written under the name of the person, and signed by the author. We will here speak of a dedication only to observe, that we cannot dedicate a work to any one, without having previously obtained his consent, either verbally or by writing. When it is to the king, queen, or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, to know their wish in this respect. As to any other person of dignity, we may write to him without any intermediate agency. If the members of the royal family have accepted the dedication, the author is generally allowed the honor of presenting his work to them.

SECTION VI.

_Politeness of Military Men._

Military politeness has, as we know, some particular characteristics.

Officers and soldiers do not uncover themselves on entering a church, if they are under arms; only, during the elevation of the host,[10] they raise the right hand to the front part of their helmet, cap, or shako.[11] When soldiers converse with their superiors, they constantly hold the edge of the hand to their forehead. On entering a drawing room, an officer lays down his sabre or his sword. It is not in good _ton_ for a man to present himself before ladies, in the uniform of the national guard, unless some circ.u.mstance excuses or authorises this liberty.

In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black cravat.

If we are acquainted with military men, in addressing them, we call them only _general_, or _captain_; but it would be uncivil to give them the t.i.tle of an inferior grade thus we should not say _lieutenant_.

[10] This has reference, of course, to Catholic countries only.

[11] A kind of military cap.

SECTION VII.

_Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious Orders; and the Deference due to them.[12]_

A priest should be considered in two points of view; when he is exercising his holy office, and when he is taking part in the relations of society. In the first case, he is an object of special respect; and even the t.i.tle to be given him, the words to be addressed to him, the att.i.tude to be taken in speaking to him, are regulated by the liturgy.

But, although the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object of religious veneration, he has, as the representative of G.o.d, or as a minister of the altar, a right to much respect and deference. Too light conversation, dancing and love songs, would be out of place in his presence.

Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their custom of preaching a severe and sacred morality, and of catechising or censuring with authority the penitent, gives them sometime a dogmatical and rigid tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to social affability.

Sometimes, also, to guard against this result, which they feel to be almost inevitable, ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge themselves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they would not dare to allow in men of the world. A mild gravity, a moderate gaiety, a n.o.ble and affectionate urbanity--these are the characteristics which ought to distinguish the ecclesiastic, in society.

[12] These remarks have particular reference to Catholic countries and forms, but may many of them be applied to other denominations.

PART II.

OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS.