The Best Nonsense Verses Part 4

"Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-- Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; But, oh, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!

"A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes-- I've noticed at my window as I've sat a-catching flies; He pa.s.ses by it every day as certain as can be-- I blush to say I've winked at him, and he has winked at me!"

"For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard.

Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band!

"This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so!

They are the most remunerative customers I know; For many, many years they've kept starvation from my doors, I never knew so criminal a family as yours!

"The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; And if you marry any one respectable at all, Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?"

The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown; To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit, Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.

Good Robber Brown he m.u.f.fled up his anger pretty well, He said, "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.

"I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do, A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."

He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware; He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.

And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band.

[_W.S. Gilbert_

EMILY, JOHN, JAMES, AND I

A Derby Legend

Emily Jane was a nursery maid-- James was a bold Life Guard, And John was constable, poorly paid (And I am a doggerel bard).

A very good girl was Emily Jane, Jimmy was good and true, And John was a very good man in the main (And I am a good man, too).

Rivals for Emmie were Johnny and James, Though Emily liked them both; She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims (And I couldn't take my oath).

But sooner or later you're certain to find Your sentiments can't lie hid-- Jane thought it was time that she made up her mind (And I think it was time she did).

Said Jane, with a smirk and a blush on her face, "I'll promise to wed the boy Who takes me to-morrow to Epsom Race!"

(Which I would have done, with joy).

From Johnny escaped an expression of pain, But Jimmy said, "Done with you!

I'll take you with pleasure, my Emily Jane!"

(And I would have said so too).

Johnny lay on the ground, and he roared like mad (For Johnny was sore perplexed), And he kicked very hard at a very small lad (Which I often do, when vexed).

For John was on duty next day with the Force, To punish all Epsom crimes; Some people will cross when they're clearing the course (I do it myself, sometimes).

The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads, On maidens with gamboge hair, On sharpers and pickpockets, swindlers and pads (For I, with my harp, was there).

And Jimmy went down with his Jane that day And John by the collar or nape Seized everybody who came in his way (And I had a narrow escape).

He noticed his Emily Jane with Jim, And envied the well made elf; And people remarked that he muttered "Oh, dim!"

(I often say "dim!" myself).

John dogged them all day, without asking their leaves; For his sergeant he told, aside, That Jimmy and Jane were notorious thieves (And I think he was justified).

But James wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork, And Jenny would blush with shame At stealing so much as a bottle or cork (A bottle I think fair game).

But, ah! there's another more serious crime!

They wickedly strayed upon The course, at a critical moment of time (I pointed them out to John).

The crusher came down on the pair in a crack-- And then, with a demon smile, Let Jenny cross over, but sent Jimmy back (I played on my harp the while).

Stern Johnny their agony loud derides With a very triumphant sneer-- They weep and they wail from the opposite sides (And I shed a silent tear).

And Jenny is crying away like mad, And Jimmy is swearing hard; And Johnny is looking uncommonly glad (And I am a doggerel bard).

But Jimmy he ventured on crossing again The scenes of our Isthmian Games-- John caught him and collared him, giving him pain (I felt very much for James).

John led him away with a victor's hand, And Jimmy was shortly seen In the station-house under the grand Grand Stand (As many a time I've been).

And Jimmy, bad boy, was imprisoned for life, Though Emily pleaded hard; And Johnny had Emily Jane to wife (And I am a doggerel bard).

[_W.S. Gilbert_

ELLEN M'JONES ABERDEEN

Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan Was the son of an elderly laboring man, You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, And p'raps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right.

From the bonnie blue Forth to the hills of Deeside, Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde, There wasn't a child or woman or man Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan.

No other could wake such detestable groans, With reed and with chanter--with bag and with drones: All day and all night he delighted the chiels With sn.i.g.g.e.ring pibrochs and jiggety reels.

He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, And the neighboring maidens would gather around To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een, Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

All loved their M'Clan, save a Sa.s.senach brute, Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot!

He dressed himself up in a Highlander way, Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay.

Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense To make him a Scotchman in every sense: But this is a matter, you'll readily own, That isn't a question of tailors alone.