The Best Nonsense Verses Part 5

A Sa.s.senach chief may be bonily built, He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt; Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- But he cannot a.s.sume an affection for pipes.

Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay; The girls were amused at his singular spleen, Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

"Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad; If you really must play on that cursed affair, My goodness! play something resembling an air."

Boiled over the blood of Macphairson M'Clan-- The clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man; For all were enraged at the insult, I ween-- Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

"Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sa.s.senach loon That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune.

Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, "'In My Cottage' is easy--I'll practice at that."

He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, For a year, seven months, and a fortnight until (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, Elicited something resembling an air.

It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze-- It wandered about into several keys; It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware, But still it distinctly suggested an air.

The Sa.s.senach screamed and the Sa.s.senach danced, He shrieked in his agony--bellowed and pranced; And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

"Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around; And fill a' yer lugs wi' the exquisite sound, An air frae the bagpipes--beat that if ye can!

Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan!"

The fame of his piping spread over the land; Respectable widows proposed for his hand, And maidens came flocking to sit on the green-- Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

One morning the fidgety Sa.s.senach swore He'd stand it no longer--he drew his claymore, And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste), Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist.

Oh! loud were the wailings for Angus M'Clan-- Oh! deep was the grief for that excellent man-- The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay To find them "take on" in this serious way.

He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, And solaced their souls with the following words:--

"Oh, maidens," said Pattison, touching his hat, "Don't snivel, my dears, for a fellow like that; Observe, I'm a very superior man, A much better fellow than Angus M'Clan."

They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears,"

And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, A pleasanter gentleman never was seen-- Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen.

[_W.S. Gilbert_

THE SYCOPHANTIC FOX AND THE GULLIBLE RAVEN

A raven sat upon a tree, And not a word he spoke, for His beak contained a bit of Brie, Or, maybe, it was Roquefort: We'll make it any kind you please, At all events, it was a cheese.

Beneath the tree's umbrageous limb A hungry fox sat smiling; He saw the raven watching him, And spoke in words beguiling.

"_J'admire_," said he "_ton beau plumage_,"

(The which was simply persiflage.)

Two things there are, no doubt you know, To which a fox is used; A rooster that is bound to crow, A crow that's bound to roost, And whichsoever he espies He tells the most unblus.h.i.+ng lies.

"Sweet fowl," he said, "I understand You're more than merely natty, I hear you sing to beat the band And Adelina Patti.

Pray render with your liquid tongue A bit from 'Gotterdammerung.'"

This subtle speech was aimed to please The crow, and it succeeded: He thought no bird in all the trees Could sing as well as he did.

In flattery completely doused He gave the "Jewel Song" from "Faust."

But gravitation's law, of course, As Isaac Newton showed it, Exerted on the cheese its force.

And elsewhere soon bestowed it, In fact, there is no need to tell What happened when to earth it fell.

I wish to add that when the bird Took in the situation He said one brief, emphatic word, Unfit for publication.

The fox was greatly startled, but He only sighed and answered "Tut."

The Moral is: A fox is bound To be a shameless sinner.

And also: When the cheese comes round You know it's after dinner.

But (what is only known to few) The fox is after dinner, too.

[_Guy Wetmore Carryl_

RED RIDINGHOOD

Most worthy of praise were the virtuous ways Of Little Red Riding Hood's ma, And no one was ever more cautious and clever Than Little Red Riding Hood's pa.

They never misled, for they meant what they said, And frequently said what they meant: They were careful to show her the way she should go, And the way that they showed her, she went.

For obedience she was effusively thanked, And for anything else she was carefully spanked.

It thus isn't strange that Red Riding Hood's range Of virtues so steadily grew, That soon she won prizes of different sizes, And golden enconiums, too.

As a general rule she was head of her school, And at six was so notably smart That they gave her a check for reciting The Wreck Of the Hesperus wholly by heart.

And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure, When I add that the money she gave to the poor.

At eleven this la.s.s had a Sunday-school cla.s.s, At twelve wrote a volume of verse, At fourteen was yearning for glory, and learning To be a professional nurse.

To a glorious height the young paragon might Have climbed, if not nipped in the bud, But the following year struck her smiling career With a dull and a sickening thud!

(I have shad a great tear at the thought of her pain, And must copy my ma.n.u.script over again!)

Not dreaming of harm, one day on her arm A basket she hung. It was filled With drinks made of spices, and jellies, and ices, And chicken-wings, carefully grilled, And a savory stew, and a novel or two She persuaded a neighbor to loan, And a j.a.panese fan, and a hot water-can.

And a bottle of _eau de cologne_, And the rest of the things that your family fill Your room with whenever you chance to be ill.

She expected to find her decrepit but kind Old grandmother waiting her call, Exceedingly ill. Oh, that face on the pillow Did not look familiar at all!

With a whitening cheek she started to speak, But her peril she instantly saw: Her grandma had fled and she'd tackled instead Four merciless paws and a maw!

When the neighbors came running the wolf to subdue He was licking his chops--and Red Riding Hood's, too!

At this horrible tale some readers will pale, And others with horror grow dumb, And yet it was better, I fear, he should get her:-- Just think what she might have become!

For an infant so keen might in future have been A woman of awful renown, Who carried on fights for her feminine rights, As the Mare of an Arkansas town, Or she might have continued the sin of her 'teens And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!

_The Moral_

The Moral: There's nothing much glummer Than children whose talents appal.