The Young Maiden Part 8

She is not of those who "to be won, must be wooed." Her aims are obtrusive; instead of waiting for the approach of another, she makes constant advances toward him. This fault is still more repulsive to most gentlemen than the other. They esteem it an indication of great vanity on the part of a young woman, and expressive of no very high sense of their own powers of discernment, or of their delicacy of feeling. Such persons must expect little favor at the hands of the other s.e.x, should all their endeavors be frustrated. "She might have been married," is their uniform language, "had she not exhibited such boldness, and such determination to carry one's heart by storm."

Nor will her own s.e.x be sparing in their reproaches of one left in a single state, after so many, and such ineffectual, efforts to change it.

The modest lady pities, and blushes for, a sister thus regardless of proprieties. Her companions, successful by their very neglect to toil for success, will doubtless apply to her, and with some pungency, the epithet of "old maid." Ought she to repine at the fruit of her own indiscretion and folly?

Far different is the estimate usually formed of her who, by unforeseen and inevitable circ.u.mstances, or by a wise preference, continues single.

Such cannot fail of being generally respected in society. That they are thus situated is perceived to be no fault of theirs, but, at most, a misfortune. In a mult.i.tude of these instances a young woman shall be the more respected for remaining unmarried. It argues a moral independence, a regard not only for her immediate happiness, but for her personal character, which cannot fail to excite, in all candid and generous minds, a true admiration.

There are several traits characteristic, in some degree, of what is termed an "old maid," that are in reality to be ranked among the higher Virtues.

Such persons are usually marked by their Humanity. Not being exclusively devoted to one individual, or one small circle of individuals, they find objects of interest everywhere around them. She who retains her cheerfulness in this state, is often an invaluable friend among the sick, and the suffering poor. She has leisure to follow out her kind impulses. They are not contracted to a single sphere, but wherever she can go and do good, thither her steps hasten. Even the inferior creation share her attentions. There is many an eye, not radiant with reason, nor accompanied by the powers of speech, that is yet eloquent in praise of her kindness.

Single women are usually adorned with Modesty. Some may court publicity, and pant for the forum, or the pulpit, but they are the few. Most ladies of this cla.s.s are graced by a retiring manner, and quiet habits, and a gentle address. These traits we all prize in woman. Even in their excess, though they have virtually caused an individual to be single, they still have attendant advantages. They are certainly an ornament to the character, giving new l.u.s.tre to what we, perhaps with difficulty, discovered beneath them.

Economy is another characteristic of a single woman. It may degenerate to a fault, it is true; but in most of those in this condition it is so restricted, as to be a theme not for censure, but approbation. In a country like ours, where, if fortunes are often made, they are also not seldom lost, in a day, this virtue is of prime concern. And everywhere it is an inc.u.mbent duty of the Christian to "gather up the fragments, that nothing be lost." She who does this may be a most valuable auxiliary in the family she resides with.

Suppose one partly dependent, for her subsistence, on her manual exertions, or an inmate in the house of a relative or friend, she may do great good by an habitual watchfulness that nothing be wasted. Servants are proverbially lavish and careless in this matter. The head of the family may be deficient in economy, or what is by no means uncommon, so engrossed with other inevitable cares, as to have little time to look after the savings, which might daily be made. But here is an individual, whose habits prompt her to the service, and who has leisure to make herself useful in this manner.

Unmarried ladies are usually distinguished for their Neatness. We often hear it said of another, "She is so afraid of a speck of dirt, that she will certainly be an old maid." If this be the chief index of that character, it is one which the married lady would do well to imitate, rather than deride. The personal habits can be excusably neglected by no one. If those, charged with the care of families, are so absorbed in their employments, as to pay little attention to neatness in dress, their condition is deplorable. She who has less to interfere with this all-important quality, and who, therefore, gives much time to cleanliness, order, and neatness, is to be envied, not censured. Should she hereafter be placed in the situation of a wife and matron, her partner will rejoice in those circ.u.mstances, which contributed to this most valuable trait in her character.

Single women are sometimes more Useful than they would have been, if married. Such cases are probably rare; yet the capacity of doing as much good in that state as another, should reconcile one to what might, otherwise, appear an evil. Who can estimate the amount of virtue and piety, that might be traced to the writings of Hannah More? Had she been married, the world might have lost the whole of these sixty years' toil in the cause of humanity. How large is our debt to the accomplished auth.o.r.ess of "Home," and of those manifold publications of the same character, that enlighten, and bless, the youth of our age.

Nor is it in literary walks alone that this cla.s.s have proved signal benefactors of their species. In the domestic sphere, amid scenes of sickness and affliction, how often have they proved ministering angels.

Miss Porter, I think it is, has a character in one of her works, which she names "Aunt Rebecca," who was full of kind offices among the families in her neighborhood, taking care of the sick, supplying the place of absent mothers, and aiding relatives and friends with promptness, in their times of trouble and grief. The reader is sometimes tempted to smile at the abuses of her good nature by the selfish and indolent; yet the character suggests to us the n.o.ble field of usefulness allotted to many, who are often supposed to lead a course of life contrary to nature.

Having so many virtues incident to her condition, and enjoying such opportunities to do an amount of good, and of course to secure a degree of happiness, denied to those in married life, why should an individual repine at this lot? Single women, it is well known, are sometimes envious, querulous, discontented, and restless. "Who can shew us any good in our state?" ask some. "Providence made us, like the rest of our s.e.x, for love, yet we are doomed to be indifferent. It is our fate not to be loved."

In the agony of despair such array themselves, perhaps to old age, in attractive dresses and a profusion of jewelry, and affect the air of young ladies. But these views and practices are founded in error.

Reflect upon the case, and you will see, that it is no more a law of G.o.d that your s.e.x in general should love and be loved, and should marry, than it is that some of their number should remain single. She, who thus considers, is prepared to inquire whether she herself may not possibly belong to that cla.s.s, and to be content in that condition, should circ.u.mstances seem to ordain her for it.

The advice of an English lady on this point seems peculiarly pertinent.

"Let women," says she, "of a certain age beware of the affectation of youth, if they would avoid the s.h.i.+pwreck of their respectability and character. As the loveliness of girlhood fades from their cheeks, and the liquid brilliancy of youth departs from their eyes, let them make unto themselves charms which neither the rust nor moth of time can corrupt; let the warmth of goodness yield its gentle tinting to their cheek, and let tears of tenderness, of mercy, of loving-kindness, make their eyes moist with those beauties which will not be destroyed, but perfected hereafter. We must all fade, but it is in our power to exchange our charms. Keeping far from us envyings, strife, jealousy, evil-speaking, let us, as our days increase, improve in wisdom and good deeds; caring for the young, comforting the old, and rendering our home the throne of domestic happiness."

There are two things requisite, I believe, however, to the enjoyment of its best effects, in a single state. The lady, who proposes to herself this destination, should cultivate her Mind. A good education prepares one for any fortune, or condition of life. She, who has stores of knowledge and a well-balanced intellect, will find herself possessed of unfailing resources, both of improvement and happiness. It is the ignorant, those whose thoughts feed on vacuity, and who, through the want of mental culture, dwell incessantly on degrading subjects, that suffer in the single state.

The other preparation I referred to, is Occupation, habits of industry.

An intelligent person may be indolent, and if so, the mental cultivation she has enjoyed may only serve to expose her feelings to more acute pain, from her solitary state. But she who is diligent in domestic economy, in the use of her needle, in the daily reading of valuable works, and especially in doing good, as she has opportunity, to others, can hardly be miserable, because unmarried. She will make friends, wherever she may reside, and find hearts rejoicing to reciprocate her affection.

Chapter VIII.

REASONS FOR MARRIAGE.

The Fear of being Single. Faith, and Moral Courage needed.

Marrying to gratify friends. "Match makers." Self-will. To leave an Unpleasant Home. To obtain a Home. Practices in Mexico and France. Marrying for Wealth. Offer in Texas. Personal Beauty. A n.o.ble example. Fancy. Influence of Novels, and impure Poetry.

Flattery. Pa.s.sion. Personal Bravery. Custom, in island of Borneo.

Proximity. Family Connections. Persian marriages. Marrying from the cradle. Personal Distinction. n.o.bility of Naples. Tragedy in Philadelphia. Love of Conquest and Power. Madam Gamarra of Peru.

To escape Toil and Care. Marrying to Reform. Being importuned.

From a Sense of Duty. As a Business transaction.

To attempt the enumeration of all the inducements which may lead a young woman to marry, were perhaps a hopeless task. So complex are our motives that it is difficult to a.n.a.lyze them correctly, or even to say with confidence what was the sole motive operating on the mind in any particular action. This difficulty is increased, where the affections are concerned. They are too subtle and ethereal in their nature, to be subjected to minute examination. I shall, therefore, only promise in this chapter to endeavor, as I am able, to treat of a part of the reasons for marriage, as they affect most persons in actual life.

At the head of these stands the fear of being Single. There is supposed to be some latent and terrific evil in remaining unmarried. The imagination of the girl depicts its loneliness, its desolation, the blight it must shed on every gentle and happy emotion, the reproach it must bring on her from her entire circle of acquaintances, and the pride with which her more successful companions will look down upon her. These and other features in the picture become so fearful to contemplate, that she resolves to embrace the first opportunity to escape so awful a dilemma. She will engage herself as soon as practicable, lest she should outstand her day, and be left in the dread condition of an "old maid."

Hence a train of miseries.

To prevent this calamity,--for it often proves a serious one,--I would recommend the culture of two virtues, Faith, and Moral Courage.

There is no cause for a young woman, in any ordinary circ.u.mstances, to fear that she shall be left single. How very few are they, who deserve the attentions of the other s.e.x, and yet never receive any overtures for marriage. Where the means of support are so equally distributed, and where girls are so well trained, as they are usually in this country, nearly every young man is married, and of course finds somewhere a companion. Have then Faith that you will not be neglected. This will do much to inspire that modest conduct, which attracts so powerfully the opposite s.e.x. It will also lead you to a course of steady preparation, in all respects, for marriage, and thus both insure your entrance on that state, and qualify you for its duties.

Cultivate Moral Courage. It is better to wait this year and next, and many years, rather than, for the sake of appeasing the popular cry, to throw yourself away on a dolt, or a villain. What consolation can it be, when bound to such a companion for life, to reflect, that you have escaped the odious name of an "old maid?" Better ten lives of singleness, than a few years of that wretchedness so often occasioned by marrying simply and solely for fear of being single.

Others marry to gratify their Friends. This world abounds in match-makers. They are, too, of all descriptions; some true friends to the parties concerned in their management, perhaps their parents; others entirely indifferent in this respect; others mere busy bodies, burning for the excitement of love affairs, for new offers, engagements, and weddings.

As regards the agency of friends in these matters, I believe little good ever comes of their plans and efforts. Where they succeed, there are fearful chances that the individuals, intended to be benefitted, will have cause to rue the consequences. It is far better to let nature direct, or rather to leave Providence his own modes of operation, instead of attempting to force, or urge, what should be left entirely to the feelings, judgment, and taste, of the parties involved.

For those meddlesome creatures, who spend their days in instigating others to love, I can only say, they will have a dark account to render in the end. There is no more despicable character than a finished "manoeuverer." It implies a meanness, that can pry into the corners of others' affairs, an indolence, that neglects one's own proper business, and a mental vacuity, and a littleness of purpose, which are the dread of every n.o.ble mind. Beware of the impertinence of such persons. Be very sure that you give not your hand and heart where _they_ point, instead of following, as you ought, your own good sense, and the promptings of affection.

There are those of an opposite description, who marry to gratify Self-will, and to shew their independence of advisers. This is the more dangerous error of the two. The law of the Laplanders on this subject is not without some reason, severe though it certainly is; it is there death to marry a girl without the consent of her friends. The instances in which this occurs are rare; yet there are those who, through pride and perversity, choose to be miserable in their own way rather than happy in one proposed, or sanctioned even, by others. Young women are sometimes disinterested in the indulgence of a pa.s.sion, for they do it to their own injury, and to the sorrow of their relatives. Because advised to marry a particular gentleman, they set themselves in array against him. Or, blind to those faults, which every one else discovers, and warns them against, they commit their destiny to the actually abandoned. I knew one of this cla.s.s, who, in spite of all remonstrance, married an intemperate man, and who went even so far as to say, after his death, which resulted from this vice, "that she never saw her husband intoxicated in his life."

Some marry to remove from an Unpleasant Home. They are obliged, perhaps, to work hard for a small compensation, or for none. The mother is unkind to them, or the father is morose. The daughter receives frequent hints about her support, or, of her marriage being necessary to make her "respectable" among her companions; or, the parents talk of their own early engagement, &c. This conversation awakens a strong desire to escape dependence upon them. Other circ.u.mstances serve to alienate a female from the place of her birth, her town, or village, and she is induced to sacrifice herself to any one who proffers his hand.

But is it not

"Better to bear the ills we have, Than flee to those we know not of?"

By an ill-a.s.sorted match, a lady is placed in a situation, where, let her have suffered as she might previously, her condition is nearly certain to be made worse by the change. Under the parental roof, she enjoyed much liberty; but now she is chained to one spot, and must receive to her bosom, a being, who inflicts pangs on her spirit. The die is cast; she is enslaved by a perpetual master. Piteous is her doom.

Many are married to obtain a Home. They desire an establishment; the prospect of having no dwelling, which they can call "their own," fills them with restless apprehensions. They crave some special protector, in whom they may merge, as it were, their own being, and be thereby released from personal responsibilities; one on whom they may lean for the gratification of every wish and want. Like the emigrant who leaves the tough soil of New England, for the glorious West, they imagine that their exchange is to release them from toil, and crown them, at the same moment, with plenty.

Such expectations are delusive. Woman was not created for this absolute and unlimited ease. Neither single, nor married, can she subsist with comfort to herself, except by being largely endowed with self-dependence. As a wife, she will not be caressed and cherished in one cloudless day, even though her husband prove the kindest of his s.e.x.

She must do and suffer much for his sake, or the bonds of their love will soon be as flax amid flames. If she enter the marriage state with any other design than to devote herself to her family, to toil more, instead of less, than she now does, either by mental or manual exertions, or by both, let her be a.s.sured of a fearful disappointment.

She may promise herself, in a pure connection, great joy, much to compensate her sacrifices, but a life of ease and entire freedom from care, let her never antic.i.p.ate.

There are ladies compelled, I am aware, to seek a home by matrimony, through the influence of their parents. This may be exerted, as in Mexico, indirectly, through solicitors and by management, or, like the French, the parents may negotiate the marriage in person, if not in form, yet by such methods, as to leave the daughter no alternative, but to accept such shelter abroad as any suitor may propose to her.

Rise, I entreat you, above this servitude. There is a method, by which you may provide an habitation for yourself. Prepare so completely to earn your own livelihood, that no one, friend or foe, dare say of you, "she is obliged by her helplessness to marry some one." There are honorable avocations, and not a few either, in which every young woman can support herself. Let all be acquainted with some of them, with one at least. Then may they listen to overtures of marriage, with the feeling, that, as for a home, that, they have already secured by the skill of their own mind and hands.

Young ladies sometimes marry for Wealth. They have been educated to regard this as the criterion of excellence. A man's "worth" is reckoned, not in moral attainments, but in dollars and cents. He, therefore, who is poor, is set down as beneath much consideration. From her earliest days, the girl has, perhaps, heard her parents talk of "being well-settled," of "a good establishment," and "a handsome property," as the _sine qua non_ of married life. In Tartary, a young man must purchase his bride, and if too poor to give money, he must serve her father four or five years. If a richer rival presents himself before the term of service expires, the first suitor is dismissed; he can claim only wages for his work. How many parents in this civilized and Christian land, thus sell their daughters. Give the transaction whatever smooth name you please, it is, after all, a bargain and sale.

Legislators, it appears, sometimes openly and directly encourage this traffic. The Congress of Texas recently offered a premium of nearly three thousand acres of land to every woman who would marry a citizen of Texas, who was one at the declaration of Independence.

Let me warn my female friends against this influence. Marry for riches alone, and you will be a neglected, unhappy wife, as sure as gold is not kindness. How many of your s.e.x have sold their honor for paltry lucre.

Our cities contain awful testimonies to this fact. Beware of that path, which leads in this fearful direction. Marry only a good man. Heed the advice of Themistocles to that Athenian, who consulted him in relation to the marriage of his daughter. She had two suitors, one a man of worth with a small fortune, the other rich, but in low repute. "I would bestow my daughter," said he, "upon a man without money, rather than upon money without a man."

Never fear to form this connection with an individual of merit, though his circ.u.mstances be humble. Poverty indeed is often the nurse of rare virtues. It imparts energy, prudence, and industry, when rightly regarded. I like the reply of the Irish maid, when reminded of the extreme poverty of herself and her lover. "Sure, two people eat no more when they're together, than they do when they're separate." And if this were not true, there are advantages in equality of condition which often render such alliances among the most happy ever found on earth. G.o.d will bless those who act from principle and affection, as in all other relations, so in the formation of the marriage tie.

Woman sometimes gives herself to Beauty of Person. She is led captive by a fair face and an elegant exterior. These cases are less frequent than those, in which men marry for beauty. Still, they do occur, and although outward graces are not to be contemned more than other gifts of Providence, yet she who bestows her hand for their sake alone is a victim to folly. Should such be free from impure pa.s.sion, they still build their hopes on a foundation of straw. In the conflict of life, we need, in our nearest friend, inward charms. Where these are wanting, our lot is pitiable indeed.