Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Iii Part 7

"By Jove!--No--but--'pon honor bright--did he? Can you get _me_ into it?" inquired t.i.tmouse, eagerly.

"I--oh--why--you see, my very dear sir, you're certainly rather young,"

quoth the doctor, gravely, pausing and rubbing his chin; "_if_ it could be managed, it would be a splendid thing for you--eh?"

"By jingo, I should think so!" replied t.i.tmouse.

"I think I've been asked by at least a dozen n.o.blemen for my influence, but I've not felt myself warranted"----

"Oh, well! then _in course_ there's an end of it," interrupted t.i.tmouse, with an air of disappointment; "and cuss me if ever I cared a pin about it--I see I've not the ghost of a chance."

"I don't know _that_ either," replied the doctor, musingly. His design had been all along to confer sufficient obligation on t.i.tmouse, to induce him to lend the doctor a sum of four or five hundred pounds to embark in some wild scheme or other, and also to make t.i.tmouse useful to him for other purposes, from time to time.--"As you are so young,"

continued the doctor, "I am afraid it will be necessary in some sort of way to give you a kind of scientific pretension--ah, by Archimedes! but I have it!--I have it!--You see, I've a treatise in the press, and nearly ready for publication, upon a particularly profound subject--but, you'll understand me, explained in a perfectly popular manner--in fact, my dear sir, it is a grand discovery of my own, which will in future ages be placed side by side of that of Sir Isaac Newton"----

"Is _he_ a member of it too?" inquired t.i.tmouse.

"No, my dear sir!" quoth the doctor, slightly staggered: "not bodily; but his _spirit_ is with us! We feel it influencing all our deliberations; though he died a quarter of a century before we were established! But to return to the _discovery_ I was mentioning; as Sir Isaac discovered the principle of GRAVITATION, (otherwise weight, or heaviness,) so, Mr. t.i.tmouse, I have discovered the principle of LIGHTNESS!"

"You don't say so! 'Pon my life, amazing!" exclaimed Mr. t.i.tmouse.

"And equally true, as amazing. As soon as I shall have indicated its tendencies and results, my discovery will effect a revolution in the existing system of physical science."

"Ah! that's what they talked about in the House last night--_Revolution_. 'Pon my soul, I don't like revolutions though--Folks _fight_ then--eh?" exclaimed t.i.tmouse, uneasily.

"I am speaking of something quite different, my dear t.i.tmouse," said Dr.

Gander, with a slight appearance of pique; "but to proceed with what I had intended. Since I have been sitting here, my dear sir, it has occurred to me that I have an excellent opportunity of evincing my sense of your kindness towards me, and my appreciation of your distinguished position--Sir, I intend to DEDICATE my work to you!"

"Sir, you're amazing kind--most uncommon polite!" quoth t.i.tmouse, who had not the slightest notion of what a "dedication" meant.--Within a week or two's time, sure enough, appeared a handsome octavo volume, beautifully printed and splendidly bound, ent.i.tled,

"RESEARCHES into _Physical Science_, with a view to the Establishment of a NEW PRINCIPLE--

LIGHTNESS.

BY DIABOLUS GANDER, ESQUIRE,

LL.D.; F. C. S.; Q. U. A. K.; G. o. S.; Secretary of the _Empirical Society_; Corresponding Member of the _Leipzic Longitude Society_; Vice-President of the _Peripatetic Gastronomic a.s.sociation_; and Member of Seventeen Philosophical and Literary Societies in Kamschatka, Madagascar, Tartary, and Little Britain; &c. &c. &c."

And it bore the following "Dedication"--

"TO t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE, ESQUIRE, M. P., &c. &c. &c., This volume is respectfully inscribed, by his obedient, obliged, faithful, humble servant, DIABOLUS GANDER."

The work being vigorously pushed, and systematically puffed in all directions, of course brought the honored name of Mr. t.i.tmouse a good deal before the scientific public; and about three weeks afterwards might have been seen the following "Testimonial," suspended against the screen of the public room of the Credulous Society, in support of Mr.

t.i.tmouse's pretensions to be elected into it:--

"TESTIMONIAL.--We, the undersigned, Fellows of the CREDULOUS SOCIETY, hereby certify that, from our personal knowledge of t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE, ESQUIRE, M. P., we believe him to be a gentleman greatly attached to credulous science, and equally capable and desirous of promoting its interests; and, as such, deserving of being elected Fellow of the Credulous Society.

DREDDLINGTON. FLIMSY CROTCHET.

TANTALLAN. DIABOLUS GANDER.

WOODEN SPOON. PERIWINKLE PARALLELOGRAM.

PLACID NOODLE."

The above distinguished names were procured by Dr. Gander, and thereupon the election of Mr. t.i.tmouse became almost a matter of certainty--especially as, on the appointed day, Dr. Gander procured the attendance of some amiable old gentlemen, Fellows of the Society, who believed the doctor to be all he pretended to be. The above testimonial having been read from the chair, Mr. t.i.tmouse was balloted for, and declared elected unanimously a Fellow of the Credulous Society. He was prevented from attending on the ensuing meeting by a great debate, and an expected early division: then, (I regret to say,) by sheer intoxication; and again by his being unable to return in time from Croydon, where he had been attending a grand prize-fight, being the backer of one of the princ.i.p.al ruffians, Billy Bully, his boxing-master.

On the fourth evening, however, having dined with the Earl of Dreddlington, he drove with his Lords.h.i.+p to the Society's apartments, was formally introduced, and solemnly admitted; from which time--the proudest moment of his life--he was ent.i.tled to have his name stand thus:--

"t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE, ESQ., M. P., F. C. S."

--And Heaven knows how much higher he might not have immediately mounted, in the scale of social distinction, but that he came to a very sudden rupture with his "guide, philosopher, and friend," Dr. Gander; who, on at length venturing to make his long-meditated application to t.i.tmouse for a temporary loan, to enable him, Dr. Gander, to prosecute some extensive philosophical experiments--[_i. e._, _inter nos_, on public credulity]--was unhesitatingly refused by t.i.tmouse; who, on being pressed by the doctor, abused him in no very choice terms--and finally ordered him out of the room! He quitted the presence of his ungrateful _protege_ with disgust, and in despair--nor without reason; for that very night he received a propulsion towards the Fleet Prison, which suggested to his philosophical mind several ingenious reflections concerning the _attraction of repulsion_. There he lay for three months, till he sent for the tyrant who had deposited him there, and who had been his bookseller and publisher; and the doctor so dazzled him by the outline of a certain literary speculation--to be called THE GANDER GALLERY--that his credulous creditor relented, and set his ingenious and enterprising debtor once more at large.

But to return to Mr. t.i.tmouse. It was not long after his election into the Credulous Society, that a deputation from the committee of the Society for the _Promotion of Civil and Religious Discord_ waited upon him at his apartments in the Albany, to solicit him, in terms the most flattering and complimentary, to preside at their next annual meeting at the Stonemasons' Hall: and, after some modest expressions of distrust as to his fitness for so distinguished a post, he yielded to their anxious entreaties. He ordered in, while they were with him, a very substantial lunch, of which they partook with infinite relish; and having done ample justice to his wines and spirits, the worthy gentlemen withdrew, charmed with the intelligence and affability of their distinguished host, and antic.i.p.ating that they should have in Mr. t.i.tmouse, "one of the most rising young men in the Liberal line," a very effective chairman, and who would make their meeting go off with great _eclat_. How t.i.tmouse would have got through the task he had undertaken, the reader must be left to conjecture; seeing that, in point of fact, "circ.u.mstances, over which he had no control," prevented him from fulfilling his promise. The meeting waited for him at least three-quarters of an hour; when, finding that neither he nor any tidings of him came, they elected some one else into the chair, and got on as well as they could. I dare say the reader is rather curious to know how all this came to pa.s.s; and I feel it my duty to state the reason frankly. On the evening of the day before that on which he had promised to preside at Stonemasons' Hall, he dined out with one or two choice spirits; and, about two o'clock in the morning, they all sallied forth, not a bit the _better_ for wine, in quest of adventures. Mr. t.i.tmouse gave some excellent imitations of donkeys, cats, and pigs, as they walked along arm in arm; and very nearly succeeded in tripping up an old watchman, who had crawled out to announce the hour. Then they rang every bell they pa.s.sed; and, encouraged by impunity, proceeded to sport of a still more interesting and exciting description--viz. twisting knockers off doors. t.i.tmouse was by far the most drunk of the party, and wrenched off several knockers in a very resolute and reckless manner, placing them successively in his pocket--where, also, his companions contrived, unknown to him, to deposit _their_ spoils--till the weight was such as seriously to increase the difficulty of keeping his balance. When tired of this sport, it was agreed that they should extinguish every lamp they pa.s.sed.

No sooner said than done; and t.i.tmouse volunteered to commence. a.s.sisted by his companions, he clambered up a lamp-post at the corner of St.

James's Street; and holding with one hand by the bar, while his legs clung round the iron post, with the other hand he opened the window of the lamp; and while in the act of blowing it out, "Watch! watch!" cried the voices of several people rus.h.i.+ng round the corner; a rattle was sprung; away scampered his companions in different directions; and after holding on where he was for a moment or two, in confusion and alarm, down slid poor t.i.tmouse, and dropped into the arms of three accursed watchmen, around whom was gathered a little crowd of persons, all of whom had been roused from sleep by the pulling of their bells, and the noise made in wrenching off their knockers. A pretty pa.s.sion they all were in, shaking their fists in the face of the captured delinquent, and accompanying him, with menacing gestures, to the watch-house. There having been safely lodged, he was put into a dark cell, where he presently fell asleep; nor did he wake till he was summoned to go off to the police-office. There he found a host of victims of his over-night's exploits. He stoutly denied having been concerned in despoiling a single door of its knocker--on which a breeches-maker near him furiously lifted up the prisoner's heavy coat-tails, and exclaimed eagerly--"Your Wors.h.i.+p, your Wors.h.i.+p! see, he's got his knocket full of pockers! he's got his knocket full of pockers--see here, your Wors.h.i.+p"----"What _do_ you mean, sir, by such gibberish?" inquired the magistrate, in so stern a tone as drew the speaker's attention to the little transposition of letters which he had made in his headlong haste to detect the falsehood of the delinquent; who, finding the dismal strait to which he was driven, and feeling really very ill, begged for mercy--which, after a very severe rebuke, the pallid culprit being confronted by seven knockers lying before him in a row, all of them having been taken out of his own pockets, he obtained, on condition of his making compensation to the injured parties, who compounded with him for twelve pounds.[5] After paying a couple of pounds to the poor-box, he was discharged; crawled into a coach, and, in a very sad condition, reached his rooms about one o'clock, and got into bed in a truly deplorable state--never once recollecting that, at that precise hour, he ought to have been taking the chair of the meeting of the Society for the Promotion of Civil and Religious Discord. As, however, his misfortunes were, in the newspapers, a.s.signed, not to "t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse," but to one "_John Smith_," the exact state of the case never transpired to the worthy gentlemen who had been so unaccountably deprived of his services; and who, on inquiry, were told by his fluent valet, that Mr. t.i.tmouse's late hours at the House had brought on a slight and sudden attack of--jaundice; on hearing which, they begged he might be a.s.sured of their respectful sympathy, and hearty wishes for his restoration; and tried very hard to sound the valet on the subject of his master's compensating for his absence by some donation or subscription; but the fellow was very obtuse, and they were compelled to depart disappointed.

I should have thought that the foregoing would have proved a lesson to Mr. t.i.tmouse, and restrained him for some time from yielding to his cursed propensity to drink. Yet was it otherwise--and I shall tell the matter exactly as it happened. Within a fortnight after the mischance which I have above described, t.i.tmouse dined with the members of a sort of pugilistic club, which met every fortnight, for the purpose of settling matters connected with the "ring." On the present occasion there had been a full muster, for they had to settle the preliminaries for a grand contest for the champions.h.i.+p of England--to which t.i.tmouse's master, Mr. Billy Bully, aspired. t.i.tmouse had scarcely ever enjoyed himself more than on that exciting occasion; and, confident of his man, had backed his favorite pretty freely. Towards eleven o'clock, he found the room very close--and it was not to be wondered at, when you considered the dreadful quant.i.ty of hard ale, harder port-wine, and poisonous gin and water, which the little wretch had swallowed since sitting down to dinner. About the hour I have named, however, he, Sir Pumpkin Puppy, and one or two others, all with cigars in their mouths, sallied forth to walk about town, in search of sport. I have hardly patience to write it--but positively they had not proceeded half-way down the Haymarket when they got into a downright "_row_;" and, egged on by his companions, and especially inwardly impelled by the devil himself, the miserable t.i.tmouse, after grossly insulting a little one-eyed, one-legged, bald-headed old waterman attached to the coach-stand there, challenged him to fight, and forthwith flung away his cigar, and threw himself into boxing att.i.tude, amid the jeers and laughter of the spectators--who, however, formed a sort of ring in a trice. At it they went, _instanter_. t.i.tmouse squared about with a sort of disdainful showiness--in the midst of which he suddenly received a nasty teaser on his nose and shoulder, from his active, hardy, and experienced antagonist, which brought him to the ground, the blood gus.h.i.+ng from his nose in a copious stream. Sir Pumpkin quickly picked him up, shook him, and set him fairly at his man again. Nearer and nearer stumped the old fellow to the devoted "swell," who, evidently groggy, squared in the most absurd way imaginable for a moment or two, when he received his enemy's _one two_ in his eye, and on his mouth, and again dropped down.

"He's drunk--he can't fight no more than a baby; I won't stand against him any more," quoth the fair and stout-hearted old waterman. "It warn't any o' my seeking; but if he thought to come it over an old cripple like me"----

"Bravo! bravo!" cried his companions. "Come along, old chap--come along," said one; "if I don't give you a jolly quartern, may I stick here without a fare all this blessed night;" and the speaker led off the victor to the public-house opposite, while t.i.tmouse's friends led him away, nearly insensible, to a tavern a few doors off. Having given directions that he should be forthwith taken to a bedroom and washed, they ordered broiled bones and mulled claret for themselves. After about an hour and a half's nap, t.i.tmouse, who probably had benefited rather than suffered from his blood-letting, rejoined his friends, and called for a cigar and a gla.s.s of cold brandy and water; having had which, they set off homeward: he reaching his rooms about one o'clock, with a very black eye, a swollen nose and mouth, a very thick and indistinct speech, and unsteady step; in fact, in a much worse pickle than he had as yet exhibited to his valet, who told him, while preparing for him a gla.s.s of brandy and soda-water, that no fewer than five messengers had been at his rooms. While he was yet speaking, a thundering knock was heard at the outer-door, and on its being opened, in rushed, breathlessly, Mr.

Phelim O'Doodle.

"t.i.tmouse!--t.i.tmouse! Och, murther and thunder, where are ye? Where have ye been, wid ye?" he gasped--

"When--a--hen--on--water--swims-- Too-ra-laddy-- Too-ra-lad-lad-lad"--

drowsily sung t.i.tmouse--it being part of a song he had heard thrice encored that evening after dinner--at the same time staggering towards O'Doodle.

"Och, botheration take your too-ra-lady! Come, fait--by Jasus! clap your hat on, and b.u.t.ton your coat, and off to the House--immediately--or it's all up with us, an' out we go every mother's son of us--an' the bastely Tories'll be in. Come! come!--off wid ye, I say! I've a coach at the door"----

"I--(hiccup)--I sha'n't--can't--'pon my life"--

"Och, off wid ye!--isn't it mad that Mr. O'Gibbet is wid ye?"----

"He's one eye--aha! and one leg--Too-ra-laddy," hiccuped the young senator.

"Devil burn me if I don't tie ye hand an' foot together!" cried O'Doodle, impetuously. "What the devil have ye been about wid that black eye o' yours, and--but I'll spake about it in the coach. Off wid ye!

Isn't time worth a hundred pounds a minute?"----

Within a minute or two's time O'Doodle had got him safely into the coach, and down to St. Stephen's they rattled at top speed. _There_ was going on, indeed, a desperate fight--a final trial of strength between Ministers and the Opposition, on a vote of want of confidence; and a division expected every minute. Prodigious had been the efforts of both parties--the whip unprecedented. Lord Bulfinch had, early in the evening, explicitly stated that Ministers would resign unless they gained a _majority_: and, to their infinite vexation and astonishment, three of their stanch adherents--t.i.tmouse being one--were missing just at the critical moment. The Opposition had been more fortunate; every man of theirs had come up--and they were shouting tremendously, "Divide!

divide! divide!"--while, on the other hand, Ministers were putting up men, one after another, to speak against time, (though not one syllable they said could be heard,) in order to get a chance of their three missing men coming up. If none of them came, Ministers would be exactly even with their opponents; in which case they were very much afraid that they ought to resign. Up the stairs and into the lobby came O'Doodle, breathlessly, with his prize.

"Och, my _dear_ O'Doodle!--t.i.tmouse, ye little drunken divil, where have ye been?" commenced Mr. O'Gibbet, on whom O'Doodle stumbled suddenly.

"Thank Heaven! Good G.o.d, how fortunate!" exclaimed Mr. Flummery, both he and O'Gibbet being in a state of intense anxiety and great excitement.

"In with him!--in with him!--by Jove, they're clearing the gallery!"

gasped Mr. Flummery, while he rushed into the House, to make the way clear for O'Doodle and O'Gibbet, who were literally carrying in t.i.tmouse between them.

"Sir!--Mr. Flummery!" gasped O'Doodle--"ye won't forget what I have done to-night, will ye?"

"No, no--honor! In with you! In with you! A moment and all's lost."

They reached, however, the House in safety, Mr. O'Gibbet waving his hand in triumph.