Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Iii Part 8

"Oh, ye droll little divil! where have you been hiding?" he hastily whispered, as he deposited the insensible t.i.tmouse on the nearest bench, and sat beside him. Mr. O'Gibbet took off his hat, and wiped his reeking head and face. Merciful powers! what a triumph!--and in the very nick of time.--t.i.tmouse had saved the Ministry! Tremendous was now the uproar in the House, almost every one present shouting, "Divide!--divide!"

"Strangers, withdraw," cried the Speaker.

Then, _at it_ they went, with an air of tumultuous and irrepressible excitement; but, through t.i.tmouse, the Ministers triumphed. The numbers were announced--

Ayes 301 Noes 300 ---- Majority for Ministers 1

On which glorious and decisive result, there burst forth immense cheering on the ministerial side of the House, and vehement counter-cheering on the opposition side, which lasted for several minutes. The noise, indeed, was so prodigious, that it almost roused t.i.tmouse from the sort of stupor into which he had sunk. Mr. O'Doodle accompanied him home; and, after drinking a couple of tumblers of whiskey and water with him, took his departure--caring nothing that he had left t.i.tmouse on the floor, in a state of dangerous insensibility; from which, however, in due time he recovered, but was confined to his bed, by a violent bilious attack, for nearly a week. Mr. O'Doodle's services to the Government were not forgotten. A few days afterwards he vacated his seat, having received the appointment of sub-inspector of political caricatures in Ireland, with a salary of six hundred pounds a-year for life. His place in the House was immediately filled up by his brother, Mr. Trigger O'Doodle, who kept a shooting-gallery in Dublin.

Profuse were Phelim's thanks to Mr. O'Gibbet, when that gentleman announced to him his good fortune, exclaiming, at the same time, with a sly wink and smile--"Ye see what it is to rinder service to the state--aha! Aisy, aisy!--softly, say I. Isn't _that_ the way to get along?"

CHAPTER III.

The injuries which t.i.tmouse had received in his encounter with the waterman--I mean princ.i.p.ally his black eye--prevented him from making his appearance in public, or at Lord Dreddlington's, or in the House, for several days after he had recovered from the bilious attack of which I have spoken. His non-attendance at the House, however, signified little, since both parties had been so thoroughly exhausted by their late trial of strength, as to require for some time rest and quietness, to enable them to resume the public business of the country. As soon as his eye was fairly convalescent, the first place to which he ventured out was his new residence in Park Lane, which having been taken for him, under the superintendence of the Earl of Dreddlington and Mr. Gammon, some month or two before, was now rapidly being furnished, in order to be in readiness to receive his lady and himself, immediately after his marriage--his Parliamentary duties not admitting of a prolonged absence from town. The former event had, as usual, been already prematurely announced in the newspapers several times as on the eve of taking place.

The courts.h.i.+p went on very easily and smoothly. Neither of them seemed _anxious_ for the other's society, though they contrived to evince, in the presence of others, a decent degree of gratification at meeting each other. He did all which he was instructed it was necessary for a man of fas.h.i.+on to do. He attended her and the earl to the opera repeatedly, as also to other places of fas.h.i.+onable resort: he had danced with her occasionally; but, to tell the truth, it was only at the vehement instance of the earl her father, that she ever consented to stand up with one whose person, whose carriage, whose motions were so unutterably vulgar and ridiculous as those of Mr. t.i.tmouse, who was yet her affianced husband. He had made her several times rather expensive presents of jewelry, and would have purchased for her a great stock of clothing, (of which he justly considered himself an excellent judge,) if she would have permitted it. He had, moreover, been a constant guest at the earl's table, where he was under greater restraint than anywhere else. Of such indiscretions and eccentricities as I have just been recording, they knew, or were properly _supposed_ to know, nothing. 'T was not for them to have their eyes upon him while sowing his wild oats--so thought the earl; who, however, had frequent occasion for congratulating himself in respect of Mr. t.i.tmouse's political celebrity, and also of the marks of distinction conferred upon him in the literary and scientific world, of which the earl was himself so distinguished an ornament. t.i.tmouse had presented copies, gorgeously bound, of Dr.

Gander's Treatise on Lightness, both to the earl and the Lady Cecilia; and the very flattering _dedication_ to t.i.tmouse, by Dr. Gander, really operated not a little in his favor with his future lady. What effect might have been produced upon her Ladys.h.i.+p, had she been apprised of the fact, that the aforesaid dedication had appeared in only a hundred copies, having been cancelled directly Dr. Gander had ascertained the futility of his expectations from t.i.tmouse, I do not know; but I believe she never was informed of that circ.u.mstance. As far as his dress went, she had contrived, through the interference of the earl and of Mr.

Gammon, (for whom she had conceived a singular respect,) to abate a _little_ of its fantastic absurdity, its execrable vulgarity. Nothing, however, seemed capable of effecting any material change in _the man_, although his continued intercourse with refined society could hardly fail to produce _some_ advantageous alteration in his _manners_. As for anything further, t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse remained the same vulgar, heartless, presumptuous, ignorant creature he had ever been. Though I perceive in the Lady Cecilia no qualities to excite our respect or affection, I pity her from my very soul when I contemplate her coming union with t.i.tmouse. One thing I know, that as soon as ever she had bound herself irrevocably to him, she began to think of at least fifty men whom she had ever spurned, but whom _now_ she would have welcomed with all the ardor and affection of which her cold nature was susceptible. As she had never been _conspicuous_ for animation, vivacity, or energy, the gloom which more and more frequently overshadowed her, whenever her thoughts turned towards t.i.tmouse, attracted scarce any one's attention. There _were_ those, however, who could have spoken of her mental disquietude at the approach of her cheerless nuptials--I mean her maid Annette and Miss Macspleuchan. To say that she _loathed_ the bare idea of her union with t.i.tmouse--of his person, manners, and character--would not perhaps be exactly correct, since she had not the requisite strength of character; but she contemplated her future lord with mingled feelings of apprehension, dislike, and disgust. She generally fled for support to the comfortable notion of "_fate_," which had a.s.signed her such a husband. Heaven had denied poor Lady Cecilia all power of contemplating the future; of antic.i.p.ating consequences; of _reflecting_ upon the step she was about to take. Miss Macspleuchan, however, did so for her; but, being placed in a situation of great delicacy and difficulty, acted with cautious reserve whenever the subject was mentioned. Lady Cecilia had not vouchsafed to consult her before her Ladys.h.i.+p had finally committed herself to t.i.tmouse; and, after that, interference was useless and unwarrantable.

Lady Cecilia late one afternoon entered her dressing-room pale and dispirited, as had been latterly her wont; and, with a deep sigh, sank into her easy-chair. Annette, on her Ladys.h.i.+p's entrance, was leaning against the window frame, reading a book, which she immediately closed and laid down. "What are you reading there?" inquired Lady Cecilia, languidly.

"Oh, nothing particular, my Lady!" replied Annette, coloring a little; "it was only the prayer-book. I was looking at the marriage-service, my Lady. I wanted to see what it was that your Ladys.h.i.+p has to say"----

"It's not very amusing, Annette. _I_ think it very dull and stupid--and you might have been better employed!"

"La, my Lady--now _I_ should have thought it quite interesting, if _I_ had been in your La's.h.i.+p's situation!"

"Well, what is it that they expect me to repeat?"

"Oh! I'll read it, my Lady--here it is," replied Annette, and read as follows:--

"_Then shall the priest say unto the woman_, 'N, wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together, after G.o.d's ordinance, in the holy state of matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, serve him, love, honor, and keep him, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?'

"_The woman shall answer_, 'I will.'"

"Well--it's only a form, you know, Annette--and I dare say no one ever gives it a thought," said Lady Cecilia, struggling to suppress a sigh.

"Then," continued Annette, "your La's.h.i.+p will have to say a good deal after the parson--but I beg your La's.h.i.+p's pardon--it's (in your case) the bishop. Here it is:

"'I, N, take thee, M, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish'"----

"Yes, yes--I hear," interrupted Lady Cecilia, faintly, turning pale; "I know it all; that will do, Annette"--

"There's only a word more, my Lady:--

"'And obey, till death us do part, according to G.o.d's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.'

"All this your La's.h.i.+p says, with your right hand holding Mr.

t.i.tmouse's."

Here a visible tremor pa.s.sed through Lady Cecilia. "You may leave me alone, Annette, a little while," said she; "I don't feel quite well."

"La, my Lady, a'n't your La's.h.i.+p _late_, already? Your La's.h.i.+p knows how early her Grace dines ever since her illness."

"There's plenty of time; I'll ring for you when I want you.

And--stay--you may as well leave your prayer-book with me for a moment--it will amuse me to look in it." Annette did as she was bid; and the next moment her melancholy mistress was alone. She did not, however, open the book she had asked for, but fell into a revery, which was disturbed some time afterwards, only by her maid tapping at the door; and who, on entering, told her that she had not one moment to lose; that his Lords.h.i.+p had been dressed for some time. On this her Ladys.h.i.+p rose, and commenced her toilet with a very deep sigh.

"Your La's.h.i.+p, I suppose, wears your gold-colored satin? it matches so well with the pearls," said Annette, going to the jewel-case.

"I sha'n't wear any pearls to-day."

"Oh! my Lady! not that beautiful spray of Mr. t.i.tmouse's? Your La's.h.i.+p does look so well in it!"

"I sha'n't wear anything of Mr. t.i.t--I mean," she added, coloring, "I sha'n't wear _anything_ in my hair to-day!"

Many and anxious, it may be easily believed, had been the conferences and negotiations between the earl, Mr. Gammon, and Mr. t.i.tmouse, with reference to the state of his property, and the settlement to be made on Lady Cecilia. It appeared that the extent of the enc.u.mbrances on the Yatton property was 35,000, and which Gammon had many ways of accounting for, without disclosing the amount of plunder which had fallen to the share of the firm--or rather to the senior partner. The interest on this sum (viz. 1,750) would reduce Mr. t.i.tmouse's present income to 8,250 per annum; but Gammon pledged himself that the rental of the estates could, with the greatest ease, be raised to 12,000, and that measures, in fact, were already in progress to effect so desirable a result. Then there was a sum of 20,000 due to Mr. t.i.tmouse from Mr.

Aubrey, on account of the mesne profits, 10,000 of which was guaranteed by Lord De la Zouch, and would very shortly become payable with interest; and the remaining 10,000 could be at any time called in. The sum finally determined upon, as a settlement upon Lady Cecilia, was 3,000 a-year--surely a very substantial "_consideration_" for the "faithful _promise_" to be, by-and-by, made by her at the altar--and which, moreover, she conceived she had a prospect of having entirely to herself--really "for her _separate_ use, exempt from the control, debts, and engagements of her said intended husband." I am sorry to say that Lady Cecilia clung to the prospect of an almost immediate _separation_; which, she learned from several confidential friends, some of whom were qualified, by personal experience, to offer an opinion, was a very easy matter, becoming daily more frequent on the ground of incompatibility of temper. A faint hint of the kind which she had once dropped to Miss Macspleuchan, was received in such a manner as prevented Lady Cecilia from ever repeating it. As for the earl, her father, I cannot say that he did not observe a depression of spirits in his daughter, increasing with the increasing proximity of her marriage. Since, however, _he_ had entirely reconciled _himself_ to it--and was delighted at the approaching long-coveted reunion of the family interests--he did not think of _her_ having any real objection to the arrangements. As for her lowness of spirits, and nervousness, doubtless--his Lords.h.i.+p considered--every woman on the point of being married, experienced similar feelings. She herself, indeed, seldom if ever named the matter to her father in such a way as to occasion him uneasiness. In short, the affair seemed to be going on just as it ought to do; and even had it a.s.sumed an untoward aspect, circ.u.mstances had arisen which would have prevented the earl from giving his wonted attention to what in any degree concerned his daughter. In the first place, on his Lords.h.i.+p's party coming into power, to his infinite amazement his old post of Lord High Steward was filled up by some one else! So also was the office of Lord President of the Council; and so, moreover, was every other official post; and that, too, without any apology to the offended peer, or explanation of such a phenomenon as his entire exclusion from office.

The Premier had, in fact, never once thought of his Lords.h.i.+p while forming his administration; and on being subsequently remonstrated with by a venerable peer, a common friend of the Premier and Lord Dreddlington, the Premier very calmly and blandly expressed his regret that Lord Dreddlington had not given him notice of his being still--"even in his advanced years"--disposed to hold office; and trusted that he should yet be able, and before any long time should have elapsed, to avail himself of the very valuable services "of my Lord Dreddlington." This was all that he could get from the courteous but marble-hearted Premier; and, for a long while, the earl could think of only one mode of soothing his wounded feelings--viz. going about to his friends, and demonstrating that the new Lord Steward and the new Lord President were every day displaying their unfitness for office; and that the only error committed by the Premier, in the difficult and responsible task of forming a government, was that of selecting two such individuals as he had appointed to those distinguished posts. He was also greatly comforted and supported, at this period of vexation and disappointment, by the manly and indignant sympathy of--Mr. Gammon, who had succeeded in gaining a prodigious ascendency over the earl, who, on the sudden death of his own solicitor, old Mr. Pounce, adopted Gammon in his stead; and infinitely rejoiced his Lords.h.i.+p was, to have thus secured the services of one who possessed an intellect at once so practical, masterly, and energetic; who had formed so high an estimate of his Lords.h.i.+p's powers; and whom his Lords.h.i.+p's condescending familiarity never for one moment caused to lose sight of the vast distance and difference between them. He appeared, moreover, to act between t.i.tmouse and the earl with the scrupulous candor and fidelity of a high-minded person, consciously placed in a situation of peculiar delicacy and responsibility. At the least, he seemed exceedingly anxious to secure Lady Cecilia's interests; and varied--or _appeared_ to vary--the arrangements, according to every suggestion of his Lords.h.i.+p.

The earl was satisfied that Gammon was disposed to make t.i.tmouse go much farther than of his own accord he would have felt disposed to go, towards meeting the earl's wishes in the matter of the settlements;--in fact, Gammon evinced, in the earl's opinion, great anxiety to place her Ladys.h.i.+p in that position to which her high pretensions so justly ent.i.tled her.

But this was not the only mode by which he augmented and secured his influence over the weak old peer. Not only had Gammon, in the manner pointed out in a previous portion of this history, diminished the drain upon his Lords.h.i.+p's income, which had so long existed in the shape of interest upon money lent him on mortgage, (and which embarra.s.sments, by the way, had all arisen from his foolish state and extravagance when Lord High Steward;) not only, I say, had Gammon done all this, but infinitely more;--he had enabled his Lords.h.i.+p, as it were, "to strike a blow in a new hemisphere," and at once evince his fitness for the conduct of important and complicated affairs of business, acquire an indefinite augmentation of fortune, and also great influence and popularity.

England, about the time I am speaking of, was smitten with a sort of mercantile madness--which showed itself in the shape of a monstrous pa.s.sion for JOINT-STOCK COMPANIES. John Bull all of a sudden took it into his head, that no commercial undertaking of the least importance could any longer be carried on by means of _individual_ energy, capital, and enterprise. A glimmering of this great truth he discovered that he had had, from the first moment that a private _partners.h.i.+p_ had been adopted; and it was only to follow out the principle--to convert a private into a public partners.h.i.+p, and call it a "Joint-stock Company."

This bright idea of John's produced prompt and prodigious results--a hundred _joint stock companies_

"Rose like an exhalation,"

in the metropolis alone, within one twelvemonth's time. But then came the question, _upon what_ were these grand combined forces to operate?

Undertakings of commensurate magnitude must be projected--and so it was.

It really mattered not a straw how wild and ludicrously impracticable was a project--it had but to be started, and announced, to call forth moneyed people among all cla.s.ses, all _making haste to be rich_--and ready to back the speculation, even to the last penny they had in the world; pouring out their capital with a recklessness, of which the lamentable _results_ may prevent their recurrence. Any voluble visionary who was unluckily able to reach the ear of one or two persons in the city, could expand his crotchet into a "company" with as little effort as an idiot could blow out a soap-bubble. For instance: one wiseacre (who surely ought never to have been at large) conceived a plan for creating ARTIFICIAL RAIN at an hour's notice, over any extent of country short of a circle of three miles in diameter; a second, for conveying MILK to every house in the metropolis in the same way as water is at present conveyed--viz. by pipes, supplied by an immense reservoir of milk to be established at Islington, and into which a million of cows were to be milked night and morning; a third, for converting _saw-dust into solid wood_; and a fourth, for surrounding the metropolis with a wall twenty feet in thickness, and fifty in height. Within three days of each of these hopeful speculations being announced, there were as many completely organized joint-stock companies established to carry them into effect. Superb offices were engaged in the city; Patrons, Presidents, Vice-Presidents; Trustees, Chairmen, Directors; Secretaries, Actuaries, Architects, Auditors; Bankers, Standing Counsel, Engineers, Surveyors, and Solicitors, appointed: and the names of all these functionaries forthwith blazed in dazzling array at the head of a "Prospectus," which set forth the advantages of the undertaking with such seductive eloquence as no man could resist; and within a week's time there was not a share to be had in the market. Into affairs of this description, Mr. Gammon, who soon saw the profit to be made out of them, if skilfully worked, plunged with the energy and excitement of a gamester. He drew in Mr. Quirk after him; and, as they could together command the ears of several enterprising capitalists in the city, they soon had their hands full of business, and launched two or three very brilliant speculations. Mr. Gammon himself drew up their "_Prospectuses_," and in a style which must have tempted the very devil himself (had he seen them) into venturing half his capital in the undertaking!--One was a scheme for providing the metropolis with a constant supply of salt water by means of a ca.n.a.l cut from the vicinity of the Nore, and carried nearly all round London, so as to afford the citizens throughout the year the luxury of sea-bathing. Another was of a still more extraordinary and interesting description--for carrying into effect a discovery, by means of which, s.h.i.+ps of all kinds and sizes could be furnished with the means, by one and the same process--and that remarkably simple, cheap, and convenient--of obtaining _pure fresh water_ from the SEA, and converting the salt or brine thrown off in the operation, _instanter_ into _gunpowder_! The reality of this amazing discovery was decisively ascertained by three of the greatest chemists in England; a patent was taken out, and a company formed for immediately working the patent. This undertaking was the first that Gammon brought under the notice of the Earl of Dreddlington, whom he so completely dazzled by his description, both of the signal service to be conferred upon the country, and the princely revenue to be derived from it to those early entering into the speculation, that his Lords.h.i.+p intimated rather an anxious wish to be connected with it.

"Good gracious, sir!" said his Lords.h.i.+p, with an air of wonder--"to what a pitch is science advancing! When will human ingenuity end? Sir, I doubt not that one of these days _everything_ will be found out!"

"Certainly--I feel the full force of your Lords.h.i.+p's very striking observation," replied Gammon, who had listened to him with an air of delighted deference.

"Sir, this is a truly astonis.h.i.+ng discovery! Yet, I give you my honor, sir, I have often thought that something of the kind was very desirable, as far as the obtaining fresh water from salt water was concerned, and have wondered whether it could ever be practicable: but I protest the latter part of the discovery--the conversion of the brine into gunpowder--is--is--sir, I say it is--astounding; it is more; it is very interesting, in a picturesque, and important in a patriotic point of view. Only think, sir, of our vessels gathering gunpowder and fresh water from the sea they are sailing over. Sir, the discoverer deserves a subsidy! This must in due time be brought before Parliament." His Lords.h.i.+p got quite excited; and Gammon, watching his opportunity, intimated the pride and pleasure it would give him to make his Lords.h.i.+p the patron of the gigantic undertaking in question.

"Sir--sir--you do me--infinite honor," quoth the earl, quite fl.u.s.tered by the suddenness of the proposal.

"As there will be, of course, your Lords.h.i.+p sees, several great capitalists concerned, I must, for form's sake, consult them before any step is taken; but I flatter myself, my Lord, that there can be but one opinion, when I name to them the possibility of our being honored with your Lords.h.i.+p's name and influence."

The earl listened to this with a stately bow and a gratified smile; and on the ensuing day received a formal communication from Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap, soliciting his Lords.h.i.+p to become the patron of the undertaking--which he most graciously acceded to; and was easily prevailed upon to secure several other highly distinguished names among his friends, who were profoundly ignorant of _business_, in all its departments, but delighted to figure before the public, as the patrons of so great and laudable an enterprise. Out went forthwith, all over the country, the advertis.e.m.e.nts and prospectuses of the new company, and which could boast such commanding names as cast most of its sister companies into the shade--_e. g._ "The Right Honorable the EARL of DREDDLINGTON, G.C.B., F.C.S., F.P.S., &c. &c."--"The Most n.o.ble the DUKE of TANTALLAN, K.T., &c. &c."--"The Most Honorable the MARQUIS of MARMALADE, &c. &c. &c." The capital to be one million, in ten thousand shares of one hundred pounds each. Lord Dreddlington was presented with a hundred shares, as a mark of respect and grat.i.tude from the leading shareholders; moreover, his Lords.h.i.+p took two hundred shares besides, and prevailed on various of his friends to do the same. In less than three weeks' time the shares had risen to 40 premium--[_i.e._ my lady readers will understand, each share for which his Lords.h.i.+p was supposed to have given, or to be liable to be called upon for 100, he could at any moment dispose of for 140]--and then Mr. Gammon so represented matters to his Lords.h.i.+p, as to induce him to part with his shares, which he found no difficulty in doing--and thereby realized a clear profit of 12,000. This seemed to the earl rather the effect of magic than of an everyday mercantile adventure. His respect for Gammon rose with everything he heard of that gentleman, or saw him do; and his Lords.h.i.+p allowed himself to be implicitly guided by him in all things. Under his advice, accordingly, the earl became interested in several other similar speculations, which so occupied his thoughts as almost to obliterate his sense of ministerial injustice. Several of his friends cautioned him, now and then, against committing himself to such novel and extensive speculations, in which he might incur, he was reminded, dangerous liabilities; but his magnificent reception of such interference, soon caused their discontinuance. The earl felt himself safe in the hands of Mr. Gammon, forming an equal and a very high estimate of his ability and integrity.

His Lords.h.i.+p's attention having been thus directed to such matters--to the mercantile interests of this great country--he soon began to take a vast interest in the discussion of such subjects in the House, greatly to the surprise and edification of many of his brother peers. Absorbing, however, as were these and similar occupations, they were almost altogether suspended as soon as a day--and that not a distant one--had been fixed upon for the marriage of the Lady Cecilia with Mr. t.i.tmouse.

From that moment, the old man could scarcely bear her out of his presence; following and watching all her movements with a peculiar, though still a stately, solicitude and tenderness. Frequent, earnest, and dignified, were his interviews with t.i.tmouse--his representations as to the invaluable treasure that was about to be intrusted to him in the Lady Cecilia--the last direct representative of the most ancient n.o.ble family in the kingdom. Innumerable were his Lords.h.i.+p's directions to him concerning his future conduct, both in public and private life; intimating, in a manner at once impressive and affectionate, that the eyes of the country would be thenceforward fixed upon him, as son-in-law of the Earl of Dreddlington. His Lords.h.i.+p, moreover--pocketing the affront he had received at the hands of the Ministry--made a very strenuous and nearly a successful effort to procure for his destined son-in-law a vacant lords.h.i.+p of the Treasury. The Premier was really beginning to consider the subject, when Mr. O'Gibbet extinguished all the aspiring hopes of poor Lord Dreddlington, by applying for the vacant office for Mr. Och Hubbaboo, an early friend of Mr. O'Gibbet; and who having failed in business, and been unable to re-establish himself, had come into the House of Commons to repair his shattered fortunes. I need hardly say, that within a day or two, Mr. Hubbaboo was made a lord of the Treasury; and thereby were very nearly alienated from Ministers two stanch and enlightened supporters--to wit, the Earl of Dreddlington and Mr. t.i.tmouse.