Mr. Punch On Tour Part 14

[Ill.u.s.tration: 'ARRY ABROAD.--_Guide._ "Monsieur finds eet a vairy eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" _'Arry_ (_who will speak French_).

"Pas demi!"]

BY THE SILVER SEA

DRAINSMOUTH.

This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects.

The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low water.

SHRIMPLEY.

The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the Town Council issuing an order that n.o.body is to bathe at all. A decision so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier Pavilion.

LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.

Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived yesterday, travelling first-cla.s.s from the junction, two miles off (up to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable comment in the town.

SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.

Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town from Sat.u.r.days to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write, twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of n.i.g.g.e.r minstrels and four blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day pa.s.sing without at least two street rows between inebriated excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no "option," and that all sentences for a.s.saults in the streets will be with hard labour.

[Ill.u.s.tration: PHILOLOGICAL.--_First English Groom_ (_new to Paris_).

"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick, and calls out 'Woa!'"

_Second ditto_ (_who has been in Paris some time_). "He couldn't have said _'Woa!'_ as there ain't no 'W' in French."

_First ditto._ "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.

_Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"

_Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own bed, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"

_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: aeSTHETICS

_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more _Chippendale_ than ever!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE JOYS OF TOURING

_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"

_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'

we'll get it off zummow!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"

_Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno."

_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where do travellers generally go?"

_Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT

_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"

_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Gra.s.smere Lake, that is----"

_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]

Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?

WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.