Mr. Punch On Tour Part 16

DE GUSTIBUS----

I am an unadventurous man, And always go upon the plan Of shunning danger where I can.

And so I fail to understand Why every year a stalwart band Of tourists go to Switzerland,

And spend their time for several weeks, With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks, Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.

In fact, I'm old enough to find Climbing of almost any kind Is very little to my mind.

A mountain summit white with snow Is an attractive sight, I know, But why not see it _from below_?

Why leave the hospitable plain And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain Merely to scramble down again?

Some men pretend they think it bliss To clamber up a precipice Or dangle over an abyss,

To crawl along a mountain side, Supported by a rope that's tied, --Not too securely--to a guide;

But such pretences, it is clear, In the aspiring mountaineer Are usually insincere.

And many a climber, I'll be bound, Whom scarped and icy crags surround, Wishes himself on level ground.

So I, for one, do not propose, To cool my comfortable toes In regions of perpetual snows,

As long as I can take my ease, Fanned by a soothing southern breeze, Under the shade of English trees.

And anyone who leaves my share Of English fields and English air May take the Alps for aught I care!

SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte Carlo.

PLEASURE a LA RUSSE.--_Q._ When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a holiday?

_A._ When he gives him _a kn_outing.

THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!"

A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of the Channel.

THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel.

[Ill.u.s.tration: The Brown family resolve to spend their vacation each after his own fas.h.i.+on, instead of _en famille_.

Jack took his motor car of course.

Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour.

Pater preferred "Cooks".

"My Dear Sir, I tell you there is not a city in the whole of Europe that is a patch upon Florence. Why I found the finest English chemists there that I have come across in all my travels."

Mater had "quiet time" in Devons.h.i.+re.

Bob went canoeing.

While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE ANTIQUARY.--_Tourist_ (_in Cornwall_). "May I be permitted to examine that interesting stone in your field? These ancient Druidical remains are most interesting!"

_Farmer._ "Sart'nly, sir. 'May be very int'restin' an' arnshunt, but we do stick 'em oup for the cattle, an' call 'em roubbin' pusts!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Smithson, having read and heard much of the pleasures of a driving tour, determines to indulge in that luxury during his Whitsuntide holidays. He therefore engages a trap, with a horse that can "get over the ground," and securing the services of an experienced driver, he sets forth._

_Smithson._ "A--a--isn't he--a--a--hadn't I better help you to pull at him?"

_Driver._ "Pull at 'im? Why yer'd set 'im crazed! Jist you let me keep is 'ead straight. Lor' bless yer, there ain't no cause to be affeared, as long as we don't meet nothing, and the gates ain't shut at Splinterbone crossing, jist round the bend."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Stout Party._ "Is this path safe?"

_Flippant Youth._ "Yes, the path is--but I can't answer for _you_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Will you 'urry up paintin' that tree, sir? Cause I'm goin' to cut it down in a quarter of an hour."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tourist_ (_in search of "the unique," after admiring old cottage_). "Is there anything else to look at in the village?"

_Village Dame._ "Lor' bless 'ee, why there's the beautiful new recr'ation ground as we've just 'ad made!"]