The Uncollected Writings of Thomas de Quincey Volume II Part 15

Sweetbread's, who had ridden out to see the hunt; and, whilst her attention was for one moment drawn off to them, Mr. Schnackenberger slipped un.o.bserved into a parlour: it was now half-past ten by the Forester's clock; and he resolved to wait here until the time fixed by the princess. Whilst sitting in this situation, he heard in an adjoining room (separated only by a slight part.i.tion) his own name often repeated: the voice was that of Mr. Von Pilsen; loud laughter followed every sentence; and on attending more closely, Mr. Schnackenberger perceived that he was just terminating an account of his own adventures at the Golden Sow, and of his consequent embroilment with the amorous landlady.

All this, however, our student would have borne with equanimity. But next followed a disclosure which mortified his vanity in the uttermost degree. A few words sufficed to unfold to him that Mr. Von Pilsen, in concert with the waiter of the Double-barrelled Gun and that young female attendant of the princess, whose kitten had been persecuted by Juno, had framed the whole plot, and had written the letters which Mr.

Schnackenberger had ascribed to her Highness. He had scarce patience to hear out the remainder. In some way or other, Von Pilsen had so far mistaken our hero, as to p.r.o.nounce him 'chicken-hearted:' and upon this ground, he invited his whole audience to an evening party at the public rooms of the Double-barrelled Gun--where he promised to play off Mr.

Schnackenberger as a glorious exhibition for this night only.

Furious with wrath, and moreover anxious to escape before Von Pilsen and his party should see him, and know that this last forgery no less than the others had succeeded in duping him into a punctual observance of the appointment, Mr. Schnackenberger rushed out of the room, seized his horse's bridle--and was just on the point of mounting, when up came his female tormentor, Mrs. Sweetbread.

'Come, come, now,' said she, smiling in her most amiable manner; 'we were both under a mistake yesterday morning: and both of us were too hasty. The b.o.o.by of a lad took you to the Gun, when you wanted nothing but the Sow: you were a little "fresh," and didn't know it; and I thought you did it on purpose. But I know better now. And here I am to fetch you back to the Sow: so come along: and we'll forget and forgive on both sides.'

So saying, she would have taken his arm most lovingly: but Mr.

Schnackenberger stoutly refused. He had nothing to do with her but to pay his bill; he wanted nothing of her but his back-sword, which he had left at the Sow; and he made a motion towards his stirrup. But Mrs.

Sweetbread laid her hand upon his arm, and asked him tenderly--if her person were then so utterly disgusting to him that, upon thus meeting him again by his own appointment, he had at once forgotten all his proposals?

'Proposals! what proposals?' shrieked the persecuted student; 'Appointment! what appointment?'

'Oh, you base, low-lived villain! don't you go for to deny it, now: didn't you offer to be reconciled? didn't you bid me to come here, that we might settle all quietly in the forest? Aye, and we _will_ settle it: and nothing shall ever part us more; nothing in the world; for what G.o.d has joined----'

'Drunken old witch!' interrupted Mr. Jeremiah, now sufficiently admonished by the brandy fumes which a.s.sailed him as to the proximate cause of Mrs. Sweetbread's boldness; 'seek lovers elsewhere.' And hastily turning round to shake her off, he perceived to his horror that an immense crowd had by this time a.s.sembled behind them. In the rear, and standing upon the steps of the Forester's house, stood Von Pilsen and his party, convulsed with laughter; immediately below them was the whole body of the hunters, who had called here for refreshment--upon whose faces struggled a mixed expression of merriment and wonder: and at the head of the whole company stood a party of butchers and butchers'

boys returning from the hunt, whose fierce looks and gestures made it evident that they sympathized with the wrongs of Mrs. Sweetbread, the relict of a man who had done honour to their body--and were prepared to avenge them in any way she might choose. She, meantime, whose whole mighty love was converted into mighty hatred by the opprobrious words and fierce repulse of Mr. Schnackenberger, called heaven and earth, and all present, to witness her wrongs; protested that he had himself appointed the meeting at the Forest-house; and in confirmation drew forth a letter.

At sight of the letter, a rattling peal of laughter from Mr. Von Pilsen left no room to doubt, in our student's mind, from whose witty manufactory it issued; and a rattling peal of wrath from the butchers'

boys left no room to doubt in anybody's mind what would be its consequences. The letter was, in fact, pretty much what Mrs. Sweetbread alleged: it contained a large and unlimited offer of Mr.

Schnackenberger's large and unlimited person; professed an ardour of pa.s.sion which could brook no delay; and entreated her to grant him an interview for the final arrangement of all preliminaries at the Forest-house.

Whilst this letter was reading, Mr. Schnackenberger perceived that there was no time to be lost: no Juno, unfortunately, was present, no 'deus ex machina' to turn the scale of battle, which would obviously be too unequal, and in any result (considering the quality of the a.s.sailants) not very glorious. So, watching his opportunity, he vaulted into his saddle, and shot off like an arrow. Up went the roar of laughter from Von Pilsen and the hunters: up went the roar of fury from the butchers and their boys: in the twinkling of an eye all were giving chase; showers of stones sang through the trees; threats of vengeance were in his ears; butchers' dogs were at his horse's heels; butchers' curses were on the wind; a widow's cries hung upon his flight. The hunters joined in the pursuit; a second chase was before them; Mr. Pilsen had furnished them a second game. Again did Mr. Schnackenberger perspire exceedingly; once again did Mr. Schnackenberger 'funk' enormously; yet, once again did Mr. Schnackenberger s.h.i.+ver at the remembrance of the Golden Sow, and groan at the name of Sweetbread. He retained, however, presence of mind enough to work away at his spurs incessantly; nor ever once turned his head until he reached the city gates, which he entered at the _pas de charge_, thanking heaven that he was better mounted than on his first arrival at B----.

CHAPTER XXII.

IT NEVER RAINS BUT IT POURS.

Rapidly as Mr. Schnackenberger drove through the gates, he was arrested by the voice of the warder, who cited him to instant attendance at the town-hall. Within the memory of man, this was the first time that any business had been transacted on a holiday; an extraordinary sitting was now being held; and the prisoner under examination was----Juno. 'Oh!

heaven and its mercies! when will my afflictions cease?' said the exhausted student; 'when shall I have a respite?' Respite there could be none at present; for the case was urgent; and, unless Juno could find good bail, she was certain of being committed on three very serious charges of 1. trespa.s.s; 2. a.s.sault and battery; 3. stealing in a dwelling-house. The case was briefly this: Juno had opened so detestable an overture of howling on her master's departure for the forest, that the people at the Double-barrelled Gun, out of mere consideration for the city of B----, had found it necessary to set her at liberty; whereupon, as if the devil drove her, forthwith the brute had gone off in search of her old young enemy the kitten, at the hotel of the princess. She beat up the kitten's quarters again; and again she drove in the enemy pell-mell into her camp in the kitchen. The young mistress of the kitten, out of her wits at seeing her darling's danger, had set down a pail of milk, in which she was was.h.i.+ng a Brussels' veil and a quant.i.ty of Mechlin lace belonging to the princess--and hurried her kitten into a closet. In a moment she returned, and found--milk, Brussels' veil, Mechlin lace, vanished--evaporated into Juno's throat, 'abiit--evasit--excessit--erupit!' only the milk-pail, upon some punctilio of delicacy in Juno, was still there; and Juno herself stood by, complacently licking her milky lips, and expressing a lively satisfaction with the texture of Flanders' manufactures. The princess, vexed at these outrages on her establishment, sent a message to the town-council, desiring that banishment for life might be inflicted on a dog of such revolutionary principles, whose presence (as she understood) had raised a general consternation throughout the city of B----.

Mr. Mayor, however, had not forgotten the threatened report of a certain retreat to a bell, ill.u.s.trated by wood-cuts; and therefore, after a.s.suring her Highness of his readiness to serve her, he added, that measures would be adopted to prevent similar aggressions--but that unhappily, from peculiar circ.u.mstances connected with this case, no further severities could be inflicted. Meantime, while this note was writing, Juno had contrived to liberate herself from arrest.

Scarce had she been absent three minutes, when in rushed to the town-council the eternal enemy of the Mayor--Mr. Deputy Recorder. The large goose's liver, the largest, perhaps, that for some centuries had been bred and born in B----, and which was destined this very night to have solemnised the anniversary of Mrs. Deputy Recorder's birth; this liver, and no other, had been piratically attacked, boarded, and captured, in the very sanctuary of the kitchen, 'by that flibustier (said he) that buccaneer--that Paul Jones of a Juno.' Das.h.i.+ng the tears from his eyes, Mr. Deputy Recorder went on to perorate; 'I ask,' said he, 'whether such a Kentucky marauder ought not to be outlawed by all nations, and put to the ban of civilised Europe? If not'--and then Mr.

Deputy paused for effect, and struck the table with his fist--'if not, and such principles of Jacobinism and French philosophy are to be tolerated; then, I say, there is an end to social order and religion: Sansculotterie, Septemberising, and red night-caps, will flourish over once happy Europe; and the last and best of kings, and our most s.h.i.+ning lights, will follow into the same bottomless abyss, which has already swallowed up (and his voice faltered)--my liver.'

'Lights and liver!' said Mr. Schnackenberger; 'I suppose you mean liver and lights; but, lord! Mr. Recorder, what a bilious view you take of the case! Your liver weighs too much in this matter; and where that happens, a man's judgment is sure to be jaundiced.'

However, the council thought otherwise: Mr. Deputy's speech had produced a deep impression; and, upon his motion, they adjudged that, in twelve hours, Juno should be conducted to the frontiers of the city lands, and there solemnly outlawed: after which it should be free to all citizens of B---- to pursue her with fire and sword; and even before that period, if she were met without a responsible guide. Mr. Schnackenberger pleaded earnestly for an extension of the armistice; but then arose, for the second time, with Catonic severity of aspect, Mr. Deputy Recorder; he urged so powerfully the necessity of uncompromising principle in these dangerous times, insisted so cogently on the false humanity of misplaced lenity, and wound up the whole by such a pathetic array of the crimes committed by Juno--of the sausages she had robbed, the rabbits she had strangled, the porcelain she had fractured, the raspberry-vinegar she had spilt, the mutton she had devoted to chops ('her own "chops,"

remember,' said Mr. Schnackenberger), the Brussels' veil, and the Mechlin lace, which she had swallowed, the domestic harmony which she had disturbed, the laws of the land which she had insulted and outraged, the peace of mind which she had invaded, and, finally, (said he) 'as if all this were not enough, the liver--the goose's liver--_my_ liver--my unoffending liver'--('and lights,' said Mr. Schnackenberger) 'which she has burglariously and inhumanly immolated to her brutal propensities:'

on all this Mr. Deputy executed such a bravura, and the sins of Juno chased each other so rapidly, and a.s.sumed so scarlet a hue, that the council instantly negatived her master's proposition; the single dissentient voice being that of Mr. Mayor, who, with tears in his eyes, conjured Mr. Schnackenberger not to confound the innocent with the guilty.

CHAPTER XXIII.

IN WHICH MISFORTUNE EMPTIES HER LAST VIAL UPON THE HEAD OF MR.

SCHNACKENBERGER.

Exhausted by the misfortunes of the day, towards evening Mr. Jeremiah was reposing at his length, and smoking in the window-seat of his room.

Solemn clouds of smoke expressed the gloomy vapours which rested on his brain. The hours of Juno's life, it seemed to him, were numbered; every soul in B----was her sworn foe--bipeds and quadrupeds, men, women, dogs, cats, children, kittens, deputy-recorders, rabbits, cooks, legs-of-mutton, to say nothing of goose-livers, sausages, haunches of venison, and 'quilts.'--If he were to take country-lodgings for her, and to send her out of B----, what awaited her there? Whither could she go, but some butcher--some b.u.t.terwoman--some rough-rider or other had a private account to settle with her?--'Unhappy creature!' e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the student, 'torment of my life!'

At this moment Mr. Schnackenberger's anxious ruminations were further enforced by the appearance of the town-crier under his window: inert as the town-council were in giving effect to their own resolutions, on this occasion it was clear that they viewed the matter as no joke; and were bent on rigorously following up their sentence. For the crier proclaimed the decree by beat of drum; explained the provisos of the twelve hours'

truce, and enjoined all good citizens, and worthy patriots, at the expiration of that period, to put the public enemy to the sword, wherever she should be found, and even to rise _en ma.s.se_, if that should be necessary, for the extermination of the national robber--as they valued their own private welfare, or the honour and dignity of the state.

'English fiend!' said Mr. Schnackenberger, 'will nothing reclaim thee?

Now that I am rid of my German plague, must I be martyred by my English plague?' For be it mentioned that, on our hero's return from the council, he had received some little comfort in his afflictions from hearing that Mrs. Sweetbread had, upon her return to B----, testified her satisfaction with the zealous leader of the butchers' boys, by forthwith bestowing upon him her widowed hand and heart, together with the Sow and its appurtenances. 'English fiend!' resumed Mr.

Schnackenberger, 'most _e_dacious and _au_dacious of quadrupeds! can nothing be done for thee? Is it impossible to save thy life?' And again he stopped to ruminate. For her _meta_physics it was hopeless to cure; but could nothing be done for her _physics_? At the university of X---- she had lived two years next door neighbour to the Professor of Moral Philosophy, and had besides attended many of his lectures without any sort of benefit to her morals, which still continued of the very worst description. 'But could no course of medical treatment,' thought her master, 'correct her inextinguishable voracity? Could not her pulse be lowered? Might not her appet.i.te, or her courage, be tamed? Would a course of tonics be of service to her? Suppose I were to take her to England to try the effect of her native air; would any of the great English surgeons or physicians be able to prescribe for her effectually?

Would opium cure her? Yet there was a case of bulimy at Toulouse, where the French surgeons caught the patient and saturated him with opium; but it was of no use; for he ate[26] as many children after it as before.

Would Mr. Abernethy, with his blue pill and his Rufus pill, be of any service to her? Or the acid bath--or the sulphate of zinc--or the white oxide of bis.m.u.th?--or soda-water? For, perhaps, her liver may be affected. But, lord! what talk I of her liver? Her liver's as sound as mine. It's her disposition that's in fault; it's her moral principles that are relaxed; and something must be done to brace them. Let me consider.'

[26] This man, whose case I have read in some French Medical Memoirs, was a desperate fellow: he cared no more for an ounce of opium, than for a stone of beef, or half a bushel of potatoes: all three would not have made him a breakfast. As to children, he denied in the most tranquil manner that he ate them. ''Pon my honour,' he sometimes said, 'between ourselves, I never _do_ eat children.' However, it was generally agreed, that he was paedophagous, or infantivorous. Some said that he first drowned them; whence I sometimes called him the paedobaptist. Certain it is, that wherever he appeared, a sudden scarcity of children prevailed.--_Note of the Translator._

At this moment a cry of 'murder, murder!' drew the student's eyes to the street below him; and there, to afflict his heart, stood his graceless Juno, having just upset the servant of a cook's shop, in the very act of rifling her basket; the sound of the drum was yet ringing through the streets; the crowd collected to hear it had not yet withdrawn from the spot; and in this way was Juno expressing her reverence for the proclamation of the town-council of B----.

'Fiend of perdition!' said Mr. Schnackenberger, flinging his darling pipe at her head, in the anguish of his wrath, and hastening down to seize her. On arriving below, however, there lay his beautiful sea-foam pipe in fragments upon the stones; but Juno had vanished--to reappear no more in B----.

CHAPTER XXIV.

AND SET YOU DOWN THAT IN ALEPPO ONCE--OTh.e.l.lO.

The first thing Mr. Schnackenberger did was to draw his purse-strings, and indemnify the cook-maid. The next thing Mr. Schnackenberger did was to go into the public-room of the Gun, call for a common pipe, and seat himself growling in a corner.--Of all possible privileges conferred by the laws, the very least desirable is that of being created game: Juno was now invested with that 'painful pre-eminence;' she was solemnly proclaimed game: and all qualified persons, _i. e._ every man, woman, and child, were legally authorised to sink--burn--or destroy her. 'Now then,' said Mr. Schnackenberger to himself, 'if such an event should happen--if any kind soul should blow out the frail light of Juno's life, in what way am I to answer the matter to her purchaser, Mr. Fabian Sebastian?' Such were the thoughts which fumed away from the anxious mind of Mr. Schnackenberger in surging volumes of smoke.

Together with the usual evening visitors of the public-rooms at the Gun, were present also Mr. Von Pilsen, and his party. Inflamed with wine and insolence, Mr. Von Pilsen began by advancing the following proposition: That in this sublunary world there are marvellous fools. 'Upon this hint' he spake: and 'improving' his text into a large commentary, he pa.s.sed in review various sketches from the life of Mr. Schnackenberger in B----, not forgetting the hunting scene; and everywhere threw in such rich embellishments and artist-like touches, that at last the room rang with laughter.

Mr. Jeremiah alone sat moodily in his corner, and moved no muscle of his face; so that even those, who were previously unacquainted with the circ.u.mstances, easily divined at whose expense Mr. Von Pilsen's witty performance proceeded.

At length Von Pilsen rose and said, 'Gentlemen, you think, perhaps, that I am this day in the best of all possible humours. Quite the contrary, I a.s.sure you: pure fiction--mere counterfeit mirth--put on to disguise my private vexation; for vexed I am, and will be, that I can find n.o.body on whom to exercise my right arm. Ah! what a heavenly fate were mine, if any man would take it into his head to affront me; or if any other man would take it into his head to think that I had affronted him, and would come hither to demand satisfaction!' So saying, he planted himself in a chair in the very middle of the saloon; and ever and anon leered at Mr. Schnackenberger in so singular a manner, that no one could fail to see at whom his shafts were pointed.

Still it seemed as if our hero had neither ears nor eyes. For he continued doggedly to work away at his 'cloud-compelling' pipe ([Greek: nephelegereta Schnakenberger]), without ever looking at his challenger.

When at length he rose, everybody supposed that probably he had had badgering enough by this time, and meant to decamp quietly. All present were making wry faces, in order to check their bursting laughter, until Mr. Schnackenberger were clear of the room; that done, each prepared to give free vent to his mirth and high compliments to Mr. Von Pilsen, upon the fine style in which he had 'done execution upon Cawdor.'

_De_camping, however, entered not into Mr. Schnackenberger's military plans; he rather meant to _en_camp over against Von Pilsen's position: calmly, therefore, with a leisurely motion, and _gradu militari_, did he advance towards his witty antagonist. The latter looked somewhat paler than usual: but, as this was no time for retreating, and he saw the necessity of conducting the play with spirit to its _denouement_,--he started up, and exclaimed: 'Ah! here is the very man I was wis.h.i.+ng for!

framed after my very heart's longing. Come, dear friend, embrace me: let us have a fraternal hug.'

'Basta!' cried Mr. Jeremiah, attaching his shoulder, and squeezing him, with a right hand of 'high pressure,' down into his chair--'This is a very good story, Mr. Von Pilsen, that you have told us: and pity it were that so good a story should want a proper termination. In future, therefore, my Pilsen,

When you shall these unhappy deeds relate,