The Memory Artists Part 6

Had my recurring dream last night, the one in black-and-white, where I run along the squares of a mammoth crossword puzzle, looking for clues and numbers that aren't there. So I run blind, and the squares turn into deserted alleyways, and the alleys turn into a labyrinth with towering hedges, except there's no exit and I know there's no exit but I keep running anyway, looking for signs, getting more and more lost and tired and terrified ... But last night, for the first time, I thought I spotted a light in the distance-the exit?-but when I opened my eyes I saw it was the ray of my mother's hunter's lamp.

April 14. Mom has a rash of some kind on her left inner thigh, which she claims is from the "chemicals" I've been spraying her with. She then added that I was treating her like "some sort of weed." I'll have to get the Bath Lady (who Mom calls the Wife of Bath because she's had several husbands) to have a closer look.

The Bath Lady-the Home Health Nurse I guess I should call her, a Portuguese woman named Sancha Ribeiro-has this breathy amber voice which is kind of nice. She's also very warm, touching me on the arm with her multi-ringed hand when she talks. She wears next to nothing in the house- summer clothes, beach clothes-I guess because it's so hot in the house.

April 16. "Alzheimer's is the disease that kills two people"-that line is still haunting me. It's from Iris Murdoch. Tonight Mom and I watched a video about her last days with her husband. I'd planned on watching it alone, and tried to in my bedroom, but Mom came in around midnight with her trusty power-lamp and asked me to rewind it. "When are we leaving?" was Murdoch's repeatedly asked question. Mom's is very similar: "What time does the train leave?"

April 17. Mom wandered all night long. At 3 a.m. I found her at the front door in her nightgown and yoga shoes, with a purse around her neck and plastic bags stuffed with photos and underclothes. "What time does the train leave?" she asked. Not sure what train she's referring to. After my father died, we used to go back to Long Island every few weeks to visit friends and relatives. But when she was a young woman she also used to take a train from Aberdeen to Edinburgh, almost every weekend, to see her boyfriend (my father). In any case, I managed to get her back to bed without too much fuss.

April 19. Looked through a stash of old letters of my mom's, some of which I read to her. Now, after midnight, with Mom sleeping, I'm feeling awful, thinking of all the letters Mom wrote to me after I moved out, travelled, then got my own apartment. I threw them all out, once after laughing with a friend at the ba.n.a.l summaries of her day. But that's all life is! The everyday details that accrue to form a life. The problems with the vacuum cleaner, a plant that died, a pet that strayed, making gifts for friends ... How I wish I had kept those letters, each one br.i.m.m.i.n.g with love and thoughtfulness. Or committed them them to memory instead of some poem or story or chemical formula! I seldom finished the letters, I shudder to admit, let alone replied to them. And along with every letter she would enclose newspaper articles ("Thought you'd enjoy this," she'd write on a yellow Post-it, "Thinking of you when I read this ..."). How I wish I had those letters and articles now! How I wish I could hold them to my heart, thank her from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me when no one else was. to memory instead of some poem or story or chemical formula! I seldom finished the letters, I shudder to admit, let alone replied to them. And along with every letter she would enclose newspaper articles ("Thought you'd enjoy this," she'd write on a yellow Post-it, "Thinking of you when I read this ..."). How I wish I had those letters and articles now! How I wish I could hold them to my heart, thank her from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me when no one else was.

April 21. At breakfast, over a pot of her favourite tea (Yorks.h.i.+re Gold), Mom said she was worried about "the mountain." Which mountain, Mom? "You know very well which one." Mount Royal? "Yes, it's going to erupt, I heard it on the radio." Your radio is broken, I pointed out. "I'm worried about you, not me-I hope I die in it, fall in the ... whatever it's called." The crater? "Yes, the crater." She then said when the time comes, to please end it for her, quickly. "Noel, if you really love me, do it. Push me in. Do you promise?"

April 24. When I got back from the library, the minute the Bath Lady left, Mom bombarded me with questions: "When are we going back to our other house, and stop renting this one?" You own this one. "How much did we pay for it?" A lot. "How many bedrooms does it have?" Seven. "Where did we get the money for it?" From selling your mom's house in Aberdeen. "When is that lady going to move out?" Which lady? "How much rent do we pay?" None, you own it. "Where did we get the money for it?" From Dad's insurance and selling your mom's house in Aberdeen. "When the lady moves out will she take the clock and the microwave?" Which lady? "Where does that door go to?" To the bas.e.m.e.nt. Any more questions, Mom? "Yes. Where are my car keys?" Any others? "What time does the train leave?"

May 2. My matinee day with Norval (Tati's Jour de Fete). Mom freaked when I told her the Bath Lady would be staying with her all afternoon. "I hate that s.e.xpot and I hate this Norval creature!"

In the audience was someone who works for Dr. Vorta, an eccentric gentleman named Jean-Jacques Yelle ("JJ"). When Norval saw him he ducked down in his chair, but too late-JJ spotted us both and came bounding over to sit beside us. A white candy cigarette was hanging out his mouth and he was wearing pink socks. He's a really nice guy, smiles a lot, but I sometimes have trouble with his voice, which has the cracking quality of an adolescent. When the film started Norval told him to go back to his seat.

After the movie I discovered that Norval is an absolutely merciless judge of his mother. Most of the people I know, in fact, complain about their parents- the way I complained about my mom when I was a teenager. But the fact is, without any bias at all, she was was is one of the most beautiful women in the world, inside and out. The most selfless person I've ever met. Do women like her still exist today or is that a thing of the past? is one of the most beautiful women in the world, inside and out. The most selfless person I've ever met. Do women like her still exist today or is that a thing of the past?

May 8. We watched a video this afternoon: House of Mirth. Mom had told me that she wanted a "matinee-like you have with your boyfriend, whatever his name is. Be careful of him, by the way, because he carries a knife." She's never met Norval (and never will). She then told me that my cousin Rita got married and that we should have gone to the wedding "at St. Rose's." Three times she told me this, and three times I agreed with her, although I don't have a cousin named Rita. And St. Rose's is not a church, but a building not far from where we used to live in Long Island, on Route 110 in Farmingdale. It's derelict now, its windows smashed and roof long gone. It used to be a home for wayward girls.

May 11. Had another all-nighter. First at 2:15 and then at 4:30 Mom woke me with her trusty lamp. How is it that she loses everything but her b.l.o.o.d.y Australian Hunter's Lamp? When I shouted at her, ordered her back to bed, she said, "This is not working out. You're impossible to live with." She stormed off and slammed her bedroom door. I tossed and turned for half an hour, then went to her bedroom, where I got her another blanket, as she seemed to be s.h.i.+vering. I said I was sorry, but she just stared silently at me, her face empty of expression, looking like a waxwork model of herself.

May 19. Tonight I made tuna tartare with roast tomatoes, which I didn't think was all that bad. But at the end of the meal Mom said she couldn't "understand why this place keeps serving this junk. Hard as a rock. You could've soled your boots with it."

May 24. Mom didn't get up until 4:40 in the afternoon. Three times I tried to wake her, but no go. When she finally did get up she claimed it was my fault she slept so late. "I sleep a lot better when you're not here playing your b.l.o.o.d.y music," she said. I replied that I only play cla.s.sical music (which she used to like) and never when she's sleeping. She looked at me and said, "I sleep a lot better when you're not here playing your b.l.o.o.d.y music."

May 29. Mom was in a foul mood today, again. Among other things, she accused me of "ripping off" her stuff, including her shower cap. She then concluded a long and scattered tirade by saying that I should "fire the b.l.o.o.d.y postman for not bringing the b.l.o.o.d.y post every day."

June 12. Been trying to stay out of the sphere of Mom's anger the last few days, without much success. Dead tired all day, worse than usual, could barely move. Seem to have forgotten how to sleep. On a video I got from the Canadian Alzheimer's a.s.sociation, a woman said that when she was taking care of her husband she didn't sleep for three years.

June 15. Mom wandered again tonight, turning on lights in room after room. Wearing a poppy on her nightgown. In June.

June 21. Summer solstice, longest day of the year. Found almost $3000 in Mom's drawer, in twenty-dollar bills. When I redeposited it at the bank, the teller told me that last year Mom had been going to the bank every day to make withdrawals. When I asked the teller why she didn't report it, she said she did, to the manager, who reported it to her brother-in-law in New York. Also found an envelope containing forty-eight Super 7 lottery tickets, which I just finished checking out on the Internet. Won 10 dollars and 2 free tickets.

July 2. The burglar alarm woke me up last night, at midnight. I jumped out of bed and scrambled downstairs in my boxers. Before I could shut the alarm off, there was loud knocking at the front door. I didn't know what to do, with the alarm still going, so I turned the outside light on, looked out the window and saw ... Mom, elegantly dressed in a pin-stripe business suit. I let her in and then shut the alarm off. By then the etoile Security people were calling to see if everything was OK. I was shaking when I told the guy what had happened- and almost couldn't remember our pa.s.sword! After I hung up Mom explained that she was on her way to school and had come back because she'd forgotten her notes.

July 15. Mom is now registered with the Alzheimer's Wanderers Program, and wears an ID chain.

August 20. Been busy renovating. I changed the dead bolts on the front door and the kitchen door to double key locks. I also papered over the doors. And made lots of other changes around the house. Dr. Vorta gave me some ideas, the Bath Lady gave me others. But I'm too tired to write about it.

August 22. Dr. Vorta gave me a list of ways of keeping Mom active, mentally and physically, and more changes that should be made in the house itself. As for treatment, he says there are essentially 4 drugs to treat Alzheimer's. And they're not terribly effective-at best, they mitigate symptoms. I've already tried two: Exelon (rivastigmine) and Reminyl (galantamine, first derived from the bulbs of snowdrops and narcissi). Both modulate the neurotransmitter acetylcholine. But neither stops the progression of the disease, and there are side-effects: nausea and vomiting, stomach cramps and headaches, diarrhoea, dizziness, fatigue, insomnia, loss of appet.i.te ...

September 21. Autumn equinox. Been trying two new anti-aging neuro drugs over the past few days (neither available in Canada-thank you, Dr. Vorta!). One is Centrophenoxine (Lucidril), a carboxyl-linked dimer (two molecules linked to a C=O group by a O- connection) of p-chloro-phenoxyacetic acid and DMAE (DiMethylAminoEthanol). The other is Hydergine (Ergoloid Mesylates), a mixture of alkaloids that come from a fungus (ergot) that grows on rye. One of them seems to be working, in any case, because first at dinner and then at bedtime, Mom was astonis.h.i.+ngly clear.

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"What poem shall I read tonight?" Noel asked his mother. She had been particularly lucid that night, especially at the dinner table, going on at length about one of her favourite books, The Golden Bough The Golden Bough. She was now in bed, ready for her bedtime story.

"I don't want a poem tonight," she said. "I want to hear about the Struldbrugs. Because I think I'm turning into one."

"The Struldbrugs?" Noel repeated, in amazement. Even his own brain took some time to retrieve this name. "From Gulliver's Travels Gulliver's Travels?"

"Where else?"

His mother used to read this novel to him, at Noel's insistence, almost every night for six months, from May 14 to November 11, 1977. As much as the book, he loved the colours of his mother's voice and the ambrosial scent of her skin: lily-of-the-valley with a whisper of lime.

"You're not turning into a Struldbrug, Mom. They're immortal."

"They're old and demented, you mean. Can you tell me the story, Noel dear?"

"I'm not sure I can remember it all. I may have to get the book, although I haven't seen it in a while. It may be in the attic."

"It's from the Voyage to Luggnagg."

"Is it?"

"Are you losing your memory, Noel?"

"No, I just ... I'll give it a shot. It's murky, though. And there might be a few bits missing: The Struldbrugs commonly acted like mortals, till about thirty years old, after which by degrees they grew melancholy and dejected. When they came to fourscore years, they had not only all the follies and infirmities of other old men, but many more which arose from the dreadful prospect of never dying. They were not only opinionative, peevish, covetous, morose, vain, talkative, but uncapable of friends.h.i.+p, and dead to all natural affection. Envy and impotent desires are their prevailing pa.s.sions ...They have no remembrance of anything but what they learned and observed in their youth and middle age, and even that is very imperfect. And for the truth or particulars of any fact, it is safer to depend on common traditions than upon their best recollections. The least miserable among them appear to be those who turn to dotage, and entirely lose their memories; these meet with more pity and a.s.sistance, because they want many bad qualities which abound in others.As soon as they have completed the term of eighty years, they are looked on as dead in law; their heirs immediately succeed to their estates, only a small pittance is reserved for their support ... "

Noel opened his eyes as the words became garbled, like portions of a video erased or recorded over. "Here it gets blurred, Mom. Then it goes: At ninety they lose their teeth and hair, they have at that age no distinction of taste, but eat and drink whatever they can get, without relish or appet.i.te ... In talking they forget the common appellation of things, and the names of persons, even of those who are their nearest friends and relations. For the same reason they never can amuse themselves with reading, because their memory will not serve to carry them from the beginning of a sentence to the end; and by this defect they are deprived of the only entertainment whereof they might otherwise be capable.The language of this country being always upon the flux, the Struldbrugs of one age do not understand those of another, neither are they able after two hundred years to hold any conversation with their neighbours the mortals; and thus they lie under the disadvantage of living like foreigners in their own country ..."

Noel stopped when he realised he'd lost his audience. He bent towards his sleeping mother's face-so pale, so lifeless-as if to hear some last word. Swift's days ended in memory-crippled dementia he recalled as he drew closer, felt her breath mingle with his.

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October 4. Tonight we watched a doc.u.mentary on actor Christopher Reeve and his battle to recover from his spine injury. Mom said she hoped with all her heart that he was still around when they found a cure. "Do you think they'll find a cure?" she asked, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I'll never know what happened to him, because I'll be dead before him. Or have lost my mind." "Mom," I replied, with my arm round her shoulder, "you'll both be cured-I know it, I have a gut feeling. I bet you'll both be cured in the same year! That's my prediction. You can beat this, don't give up. Use Superman as inspiration." (Superman! The TV actor became an alcoholic and put a bullet in his head; the movie actor became a quadriplegic after falling off a horse.) October 15. I've asked the Bath Lady to come in four days instead of two and she agreed. This will give me more time for myself, but just about exhaust what's left of our savings. I'll deal with it later.

October 31. Hallowe'en. In the afternoon, Mom and I cleaned. As I vacuumed she dusted furiously, really getting into it. She then got out the broom and began riding it like a witch, which made us both laugh. Five minutes later she was slouched in a chair in an unlit room, morosely watching TV, switching from one game show to another.

November 2. We're running out of money. Prescription drugs are supposed to be free after out-of-pocket expenses of $68.50 a month. But for some reason (either a computer error or Mom forgot to pay the annual premium) they've cut us off from the plan. Aricept alone costs $158.50 a month. Now wondering if I should ask Dr. Vorta for a loan. Or Norval?

November 3. Had to let the Bath Lady go, which wasn't pleasant.

November 11. Today Mom was s.h.i.+vering all day; I had to crank up the heat even higher. It felt like Calcutta. Anxious to know why Mom is sleeping 18 hours a day. Death practice? Which drug is responsible?

November 17. Five minutes ago, instead of me reading Mom a nighttime poem, she had one for me (shockingly): There was a young lady from FranceWho hopped on a freight train by chanceThe fireman f.u.c.ked herAs did the conductorWhile the brakeman shat in his pants.

For a second or two I thought a new neurological disorder was rearing its head: Tourette's or something. She added, whispering behind her hand, that she'd heard it from her childhood friend "Rita."

November 22. The dryer broke this afternoon, so I began hanging Mom's things up on a makes.h.i.+ft clothes line in the bas.e.m.e.nt. She appeared behind me and nearly gave me a coronary. She was very upset. She said I had stolen all her underclothes and was now was.h.i.+ng them so as to give them to my girlfriend. I continued to hang up her clothes, including a white bra. "Who are you referring to, Mom? Which girlfriend would that be?" "Don't you dare ask me the W questions!" she screamed. "Don't ever ask me who, which, when or ... where. You're only trying to confuse me! You've been trying to confuse me for fifty G.o.dd.a.m.n years!"

Five minutes ago, when I went to say goodnight, Mom was posing before her full-length mirror, semi-dressed with her brush in her hand, standing like a statue. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was waiting for me to brush her hair.

December 18. This morning Mom received a postcard from Bermuda from Aunt Helen and Uncle Phil, with a postscript for me that said, "Keep up the good work, Noel. Really wish we could be there to give you a hand. Merry Christmas."

December 21. Winter solstice. I always think of my grandmother as the seasons turn over, since she was the one who taught me about such things. Not only about the tilt of the earth, but how the seasons correspond to the four ages of man: spring lasts until 19, summer from 20 to 39, fall from 40 to 59, winter ever after. She also told me that each new season must be ushered in with a good stiff drink. Or drug.

December 2425. Mom slept through Christmas eve and almost all of Christmas day. She was feeling "down" and didn't feel like celebrating or opening gifts. To get her in the mood I put on The Twelve Days of Christmas, but she told me to turn it off after three French hens.

Placed half-consumed cookies and milk by the fireplace, hoping Mom would laugh (she didn't seem to notice), and then tried to make shortbread. Followed her recipe to the letter to the letter, but the dough was friable and wouldn't cohere, and it just expanded and melted, spilling over into the oven. When Mom saw me cleaning up it was the closest she got to a smile all day.

December 26. Was listening to A Child's Christmas in Wales on headphones when a sound that didn't belong made me jump. The fire alarm. At 4:10 a.m. I leapt down the stairs, where clouds of brown smoke were filling up the kitchen. On the stove, eggs had boiled black in the pan. And Mom asleep in her chair.

Don't know how much longer I can carry on. I think I've reached the end, I'm incurably tired but can't sleep, I'm starting to drink my Mom's sherry by the bottle, Dr. Vorta's drugs aren't working, we've almost run out of money, Mom's going to burn the house down ...

I thought I could make her happy by coming home, but clearly haven't. Maybe a nursing home would be better. I phoned Uncle Phil, who returned from Bermuda today, left a message. And a long e-mail.

December 27. Uncle Phil and Aunt Helen both e-mailed back, apologising for not being able to come up for a visit. They could put Mom on a waiting list at a home in Long Island if I liked. "A very good one," said Aunt Helen. "Oyster Bay Manor, it's called. Let me know."

As I was changing the battery on the fire alarm, Uncle Phil phoned, saying that he had found a bed at the Babylon Beach House on Yacht Club Road. But it had to be filled this week. The cost: $780 a week. I said I would think about it, then called him back and said no. (We don't have the money and I don't want to do it anyway.) I explained to him that things were getting a lot better lately.

December 28. Phoned the Beaumont Health & Rehabilitative Centre in Outremont-$98 per day-therapy and medicines extra.

December 29. Did something rash this morning. After finding the top burners on the stove glowing red and a raw roast of lamb in the oven, I called Beaumont and told them we're ready next time they have an opening. I'm running low on gas and patience. Can't do anything more for her. With regard to her memory, I'm beginning to grasp the meaning of the word "irretrievable." Time to let go. Besides, it could be six months or more before they have an opening.

At 5 on the nail they called back: they have an opening on January 2. In three days.

December 30. Mom's been agitated all day. She knows something's brewing, something cataclysmic. Ten minutes ago, at midnight, I opened her bedroom door to see if she had managed to calm down. A shaft of light crossed her sleeping form. I was about to close the door when I noticed something else, something scrawled on the tilted mirror of her dressing table. I tiptoed closer. There were two words, written in dark-red lipstick, the colour of drying blood: HELP ME.

December 31. Cancelled at Beaumont. It'll be all right, I'll find a way. For the first time in my life I feel clear. And unafraid. I know what I've got to do. At dawn I went downstairs, through the locked door, to my father.

Chapter 8.

Henry & Noel Burun By his late twenties, in Edinburgh, Noel's father was a blazingly talented chemist. By his late thirties he was head of a pharmacology department in New York, with two dozen researchers working under him. When his company, the Swiss-based conglomerate Adventa, relocated from Long Island to a Montreal suburb for tax reasons, he was asked whether he would accept a transfer, at twice the pay. He would accept the transfer, he said, but at half the pay-as a drug rep. The company's chief executive officer laughed, then recommended a psychiatrist, then threw up his hands. And thus Henry Burun ended up not combining chemicals for the betterment of the world, not devising new drugs to cure its maladies, but rather ... selling them. A travelling pharmaceutical salesman. What does your father do? they'd ask Noel at school. My father sells drugs. And everyone would laugh.

At first Henry liked the new job, travelling from town to town in lower Quebec and upper New England, but eventually it ground him down trying to see doctors and pharmacists who had little time to see him. When he was granted his five minutes, he told the truth about the drugs-which ones were hyped, which ones had failed clinical trials, which ones had withdrawal problems or crippling side-effects. He was an abysmal salesman and he knew it. Which is why he drifted from company to company, let go in turn by Adventa, Pfizer, Merck Frosst and NovaPharm. So why didn't he go back to the research lab, which would have rolled out the red carpet? Because he couldn't take the stress stress, the responsibility for others, the pressure of producing the next Big Drug as patents for older ones were expiring and making shareholders nervous. The pressure to fudge clinical trials, to downplay side-effects. It was this pressure, along with sixty-hour work weeks, that gave him his longest nervous collapse ever, a dark six-month depression that nearly drove him to hanging himself from a beam in the bas.e.m.e.nt. At least the salesman's job allowed him to be alone alone most of the time, watching the world through a car window, numbing himself with the latest tranquillisers and anti depressants. With a wife and child he adored, he should have been in love with life. Instead, through some baffling process, some chemical disharmony, he became increasingly despondent, constantly seeking a reason to live. most of the time, watching the world through a car window, numbing himself with the latest tranquillisers and anti depressants. With a wife and child he adored, he should have been in love with life. Instead, through some baffling process, some chemical disharmony, he became increasingly despondent, constantly seeking a reason to live.

"Did we kill Dad?" Noel asked his mother, after the crash was ruled vehicular suicide.

"No, Noel, we didn't! Don't ever think that!"

Suicides become vampires, the children told him at school. And suicidal parents, according to the Welsh nurse, will have children who are suicidal. "Did the world murder Dad?"

Mrs. Burun remained silent before rising from her chair and walking out of the room. "Did Dad leave because I was bad?" Noel wondered as he heard, from the kitchen, his mother's sobs. Could there be a worse sound in the world? The living room walls suddenly appeared to be streaked; he realized he too was crying. His mother's sobs, and father's death, filled him with a bone-deep sadness he would feel, on and off, for the rest of his life. He would never ask these questions again, shutting them up with triple locks inside himself.

When Henry Burun returned from his sales trips, his son would be on the lookout, either from the front porch or, in winter, from behind the closed curtains of the living room, his nose pressed against the frost-covered pane. At the first sign of the silver-blue Chevy Impala or sunfire-red Pontiac Laurentian, he would explode out the door and down the walkway, once barefoot in snow, and his father would set down his bag and lift him high in the air, twirling him round, making him squeal with laughter.

Inside, he would follow his father's trail of pipe fumes around the house, irresistibly, like a child of Hamelin. He was waiting for his father to give him his briefcase so he could do "the sorting." Inside the worn Gladstone bag were pharmaceutical advertis.e.m.e.nts by the pound, blotters with pictures of internal organs and magical names of curatives, business cards from doctors and pharmacists, stacks of his own cards with the logo of his company (which, like the company car, would change almost every year); but the best thing by far were the samples, which usually came in blister-pack booklets. He would put them into piles: a.n.a.lgesics, heart medications, muscle relaxants, tranquillisers, antidepressants (usually empty, seals torn), vitamin pills, energy boosters ... The complex medicinal smells never left him; they could be summoned years later by the drug name itself. Noel was not quite sure why this "sorting" had to be done, but he could do it happily for hours, memorising formulas, ingredients, dosages ...

Sometimes in summer, on rural routes in Quebec and New England, Noel would wait with his father in doctors' and veterinarians' offices in towns like Lacolle and Bury, Killington and Brattleboro, Ossipee and Rindge. Other times, with the car doors locked and radio on, he would memorise baseball stats on cards that his father had bought to help him pa.s.s the time. It didn't matter how long it took-Noel would wait forever. When his father returned he would quiz Noel on batting averages and RBIs and ERAs. Baseball is a mathematician's dream, his father told him, and a poet's too. Or it used to be. "Like every other sport, it's now a venal business circling the drain."

There were other quizzes too as they drove, an attempt by Mr. Burun to get his son to memorise worthwhile things. Famous quotations, for example, or the names of the cla.s.sical compositions as they came up on the radio, or the G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses of ancient Greece, or the meaning of obscure words (especially ones that would make him laugh, like callipygian callipygian or or steatopygic steatopygic or or merkin merkin), or the names of two hundred phobias, including three of his father's: kakorrphiaphobia (fear of failure), hypegiaphobia (responsibility) and lyssophobia (madness).

"By the way, Dad," Noel said after a Greek G.o.ddess quiz, "I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be like you. I want the same job as you."

His father was working at his Comoy's pipe, tamping down the black Latakia with his middle finger and testing its draw by sucking loudly on it. "Not a good choice, lad. If you want to work with drugs, work in a lab, work in research. It's more creative. I couldn't do it, but maybe you can."

The next day Noel wrote Santa for a chemistry set. In June. Nothing else was on the list, just a chemistry set. If he could have a chemistry set Noel promised to be good until he retired. It was the most magical thing he could imagine and he had trouble sleeping for the next six months.

With the first light of Christmas Day, after lying awake all night, Noel raced downstairs, barely noticing Santa's half-eaten cookies on the mantel or the stocking his mother had made for him, crammed to bursting point. His eyes were directed elsewhere, and they spotted it immediately. Under the tree, unwrapped, was a s.h.i.+ny radium-white metal box with hinges and a clasp, and THE A.C. GILBERT CO. embossed in red across the top. His heart was dancing in his breast, a joyful rumba, as he raised the lid. "Open sesame," he whispered.

Inside, embedded in styrofoam, were rows of cubic jars with red and white labels that proclaimed their contents in bold black capitals: NICKEL A AMMONIUM S SULPHATE (an elegant triple-barrelled name!), T (an elegant triple-barrelled name!), TANNIC A ACID (dangerous sounding), P (dangerous sounding), PHENOLPHTHALEIN (which his father admitted to sprinkling on his chemistry teacher's sandwiches to cause diarrhoea), M (which his father admitted to sprinkling on his chemistry teacher's sandwiches to cause diarrhoea), MAGNESIUM C CARBONATE, COBALT C CHLORIDE, POTa.s.sIUM N NITRATE (the same chemical, his father explained, administered in army barracks and monasteries to prevent "hard-ons," something Noel had not yet felt), S (the same chemical, his father explained, administered in army barracks and monasteries to prevent "hard-ons," something Noel had not yet felt), SODIUM S SILICATE, ZINC O OXIDE, AMMONIUM C CHLORIDE (the famous Sal Ammoniac of the Arabian alchemists!), C (the famous Sal Ammoniac of the Arabian alchemists!), COPPER S SULPHATE, MANGANESE D DIOXIDE, POTa.s.sIUM P PERMANGANATE, CHROME A ALUM, COCHINEAL (a red dye, his father explained, obtained from the crushed bodies of female cochineal insects), and the two most boring-sounding chemicals in the whole world: B (a red dye, his father explained, obtained from the crushed bodies of female cochineal insects), and the two most boring-sounding chemicals in the whole world: BORAX and L and LOGWOOD.

Over the next month or so, Mr. Burun set up a laboratory in the bas.e.m.e.nt for his son, in a locked room his mother once called "the black dungeon," her husband's refuge when his moods swung low and dark. There he showed Noel mercury (a slippery, magical substance that seemed to defy physical laws), phosphorus (which burst into fire if exposed to air), pota.s.sium (which burst into fire if exposed to water), magnesium (which would burn under under water), the "Acids" (the n.o.ble triumvirate of nitric, sulphuric and hydrochloric, "to be treated with respect"). He showed Noel how to make invisible ink, which would appear only when the paper was held over a flame; he showed him how to make a slow-burning fuse, and gunpowder (five parts pota.s.sium nitrate, one part sulphur, one part charcoal), and a burnt-orange pyramid with pota.s.sium dichromate which, after you lit it, would writhe up like a charmed snake. water), the "Acids" (the n.o.ble triumvirate of nitric, sulphuric and hydrochloric, "to be treated with respect"). He showed Noel how to make invisible ink, which would appear only when the paper was held over a flame; he showed him how to make a slow-burning fuse, and gunpowder (five parts pota.s.sium nitrate, one part sulphur, one part charcoal), and a burnt-orange pyramid with pota.s.sium dichromate which, after you lit it, would writhe up like a charmed snake.

In the first of a series of lectures, brief preludes to the experiments, his father spoke about the direct ancestor of chemistry: alchemy. And the most famous alchemist of all, Paracelsus the Great,15 who was searching for the one prime element from which all the other elements derived: who was searching for the one prime element from which all the other elements derived: alkahest. alkahest.

Alkahest, alkahest ... Noel repeated to himself, over and over like a chant from Noel repeated to himself, over and over like a chant from The Arabian Nights The Arabian Nights. "What's that?" he finally asked.

"This substance-if ever it were found-would be the philosophers' stone of medicine, a cure for every human disease."

"I want to find it!" said Noel. "We can work together on it, Dad, in our lab! We can discover it!"

"You must be very careful down here, Noel, especially when I'm away. Get to know all the properties of every chemical you own, or are able to make. Is that clear? If you make a compound that's poisonous or explosive, you put the skull-and-crossbones label on it immediately. Do you promise? Noel, are you listening to me?"

"If I promise, can we make laughing gas and nitroglycerine?"

"Noel ..."

"I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die."

In another lecture-the final one as it turned out-his father talked about art. "In some ways," he explained, "chemistry can be seen as a marriage of science and art, an earth poetry, a sensory kaleidoscope of smells, tastes, colours, textures. Painters and sculptors have been drawn to it, and musicians in particular. Sir Edward Elgar dabbled in chemistry and Aleksandr Borodin was was a chemist. He used to scribble musical notes all over the laboratory walls, absent-mindedly, while conducting his experiments. And then there were poet-chemists like Humphry Davy, who discovered sodium and pota.s.sium. His notebooks were filled with chemical experiments jumbled together with new lines of poems. He and Coleridge even planned to set up a laboratory together! And there's Primo Levi, of course, who regarded chemistry as an art of weighing and separating, just like writing." a chemist. He used to scribble musical notes all over the laboratory walls, absent-mindedly, while conducting his experiments. And then there were poet-chemists like Humphry Davy, who discovered sodium and pota.s.sium. His notebooks were filled with chemical experiments jumbled together with new lines of poems. He and Coleridge even planned to set up a laboratory together! And there's Primo Levi, of course, who regarded chemistry as an art of weighing and separating, just like writing."

In the bas.e.m.e.nt laboratory Noel found the serenity and solitary happiness that he found nowhere else, except in books. When his father was away on business, Noel spent hours in the lab, in hookeydom, with Borodin's Polovtsian Dances Polovtsian Dances or Elgar's or Elgar's Pomp and Circ.u.mstance Pomp and Circ.u.mstance playing on a portable record player as he dreamed about discovering things. He would gaze at the rows of chemicals on one side, and rows of books on the other-including playing on a portable record player as he dreamed about discovering things. He would gaze at the rows of chemicals on one side, and rows of books on the other-including The Life of Philippus Theophrastus Bombast of Hohenheim, Known by the Name of Paracelsus ... The Life of Philippus Theophrastus Bombast of Hohenheim, Known by the Name of Paracelsus ...

Noel began to learn the formula of every chemical he owned, every one he had made or ever could make. He memorised, photographically, every element of the periodic table pinned to the wall: their position on the chart and all their properties. He had only to say or see the letters of the element and its square would pop up. Take krypton. In Noel's hippocampus the sound and letters formed a fibrous cinnamon teardrop shape, which stored the following properties: n.o.ble gas; symbol Kr; atomic number 36; atomic weight 83.80; cubic, face-centred crystal; gas at 20C; electronic configuration [Ar]3d104s2p6. Or take lithium (as Noel would later): alkali metal; symbol Li; atomic number 3; atomic weight 6.941; cubic, bodycentred crystal; solid at 20C; electronic configuration [He]2s1 ... ...

In some of his reveries, sitting back in his father's swivel chair, Noel would play games of chemical chess, with pieces cast in metal. The white and black p.a.w.ns were usually Lead and Tin; the castles Iron and Chromium; the knights Mercury and Palladium; bishops Barium and a.r.s.enic; queens Gold and Platinum; kings Silver and t.i.tanium. "Who would win," he asked his father, "in a fight between Lead and Mercury? Or Barium and Palladium? Or Gold and Silver? Which one's more powerful? Who would destroy who, in a battle?"

Mr. Burun laughed. "Well, mercury would certainly eat up tin or lead. For the others, I guess you'd have to compare their densities. Gold, for example, is one of the heaviest metals, much heavier than silver. But it's also the most malleable and ductile."

"What ... does that mean?"

"It's the softest."

"What's the hardest?"

"Well, the two densest substances in the world are iridium and osmium."