Assholeology. Part 11

Whether he's on the Hill or in City Hall, the Political a.s.shole is in the center of it all. However, he's most likely not the guy with his name on the door. No, the Political a.s.shole works his magic from behind the scenes as the mayor's, senator's, or even president's right-hand man. In that power position, he's able to be the muscle and the mind, and doesn't have to worry as much about his out-of-office activities as the elected official.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Agendas-both his candidate's and his own. He has a lot to gain from working his angles besides bragging rights.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

He can speak, extremely well. He's the perfect example of an a.s.shole who knows what he's talking about. Like we've said, he's well read, but he's also able to deliver his well-informed thoughts in a clear and concise manner, leaving any opponent speechless.

He's the perfect example of

an a.s.shole who knows

what he's talking about.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

If you're going to speak your mind, make sure you're up to speed. The political landscape is ever changing so this guy's always surveying before he speaks. You should do the same, whether you want to discuss your party's stand on campaign finance reform or the form of your team's pitcher standing on the mound.

The Neighborhood a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Rugged hands and ridiculous calves that have the ladies on your block swooning, earned from busting his a.s.s with yard work and going for his morning jog. Both activities get him outside; visible to the housewives-and their husbands, who have to recognize him as the guy who's running s.h.i.+t in their 'hood. You on the other hand have been busy calculating potential fantasy points to see if a trade's worthwhile.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

6:30 a.m.: Headed out for his five-miler, waving to all the women on his route who time getting their newspapers with his run.

10:45 a.m.: Using your electric hedge clippers to shape his shrubbery. He didn't so much ask to borrow them as he told you he'd be using them.

12:15 p.m.: Greeting the mailman with a bottle of water, commiserating with him on how much working Sat.u.r.days sucks, and getting the lowdown on the crazy stuff that your neighbors get in the mail.

4:00 p.m.: Welcoming your girlfriend onto his patio. She brought him over a pitcher of sangria. Wait a minute . . .

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Remember in high school how there was the popular kid everyone knew and liked yet were intimidated by and sort of feared? Welcome back to high school pal. The Neighborhood a.s.shole is that popular kid. And unless you're him, it'd do you well to get in good with him.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Everyone likes him. Therefore no one would dare talk c.r.a.p behind his back-let alone say something to his face. His visibility as the Neighborhood a.s.shole makes him the guy everyone wants at their BBQ. He's proof just how important it is to be liked. Not only does it keep your detractors quiet, it also scores you tons of invites.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Get out there. Be seen. Be friendly. As an a.s.shole, you want to build a rapport with everyone you see on a daily basis so if your att.i.tude rubs them the wrong way one time, they're less likely to call you out. They can't be mad at you. You're You! You're not a d-bag. You're hilarious.

The Volunteer a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Sign-up sheets, pet.i.tions, pledge papers, pamphlets-he carries them all neat and organized in a clipboard as he works an angle with everyone he knows to get them signed up, donating, and volunteering. The Volunteer a.s.shole isn't just out there doing good, he's out there making you do good . . . and making himself look better in the process.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Any type of community event that allows him to stand on a stage and grin. He might be doing it for free, but he looks money. And the exposure he gets at the countless neighborhood meetings, civic group functions, street fairs, save-the-park rallies, and pancake breakfasts helps him to get people eating out of the palm of his hand.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

a.s.sholes can-and need-to be selfish. However, they need to balance out the selfishness by being selfless at times. So while his volunteering may be a little self-serving, the Volunteer a.s.shole is also truly giving back. Granted, it usually involves making others give back, but it's giving back nonetheless.

This guy knows how to

work people.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Charm. This guy knows how to work people. And you can't get mad at him because he's working them for a good cause.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Besides time management, the Volunteer a.s.shole is a good example of balancing self-interest with selflessness. True, you want to be an a.s.shole for the benefits. But when you start only thinking of yourself, you've become a douche bag.