Assholeology. Part 19

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's important for every at-home bartender to have a shot in his repertoire. And the SoCo and Lime is perfect because it's sweet enough for the girls and strong enough for the guys. (If the regular flavored whiskey isn't enough, you can always try the 100-proof variety.) FOUL SHOTS.

While the names are tempting, if you order one of the following, it's best to leave your manhood with the bartender.

Fuzzy Navel b.l.o.w.j.o.b s.e.x on the Beach THREE WISE MEN.

OUNCE JACK DANIEL'S TENNESSEE WHISKEY

OUNCE JIM BEAM BOURBON WHISKEY.

OUNCE JOHNNIE WALKER SCOTCH WHISKY.

Shake and strain into a shot gla.s.s.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: If you're looking to be gifted with some confidence, one or two of these shots might do the trick. Be able to handle your alcohol though. It's pretty embarra.s.sing to make a face after taking a straight shot.

TOM COLLINS.

1 OUNCE GIN.

2 OUNCES SWEET-AND-SOUR MIX.

CLUB SODA.

Fill Collins gla.s.s with ice. Add gin, sweet-and-sour mix, and club soda. Stir vigorously to work up a froth. Garnish with an orange slice and cherry (optional).

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Serve to a gin-loving gal-they go down easy and she becomes even easier.

VESPER.

3 OUNCES GIN.

1 OUNCE VODKA.

OUNCE DRY VERMOUTH.

LEMON TWIST.

Shake gin, vodka, and vermouth in a shaker with ice. Strain into a martini gla.s.s. Garnish with a lemon twist.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's James Bond's original c.o.c.ktail of choice, and a potent-but delicious-combination of gin and vodka. What more could you want?

VODKA TONIC.

2 OUNCES VODKA.

TONIC WATER TO FILL.

LIME WEDGE.

Pour vodka over ice in a highball gla.s.s. Fill with tonic. Garnish with lime wedge.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Captures the clean taste of vodka. If you want to impress your guests or lady friends, you better go top shelf. Using the kind that comes in a plastic handle and smells like rubbing alcohol will not have the same results.

VODKA WORTH TASTING.

Next time you want to stir up a vodka tonic that'll go down smooth rather than come up quick, try one of these brands: Jean Marc Belvedere Chopin Ketel One Grey Goose WHISKEY SOUR.

2 OUNCES BOURBON OR WHISKEY.

1 OUNCE LEMON JUICE.

1 OUNCE SIMPLE SYRUP.

Shake the ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain over ice in a short gla.s.s.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's not as b.a.l.l.sy as whiskey on the rocks, but the sugar and juice cut the c.o.c.ktail in a way that makes it still pack a punch while not tasting like punch.

WHITE RUSSIAN.

1 OUNCE VODKA.

1 OUNCE COFFEE LIQUEUR.

2 OUNCES MILK.

Shake ingredients in a shaker. Pour into a short gla.s.s of ice.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's like a milkshake for adults. And if it gets the Dude's seal of approval, it gets ours as well.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!"-The Dude, The Big Lebowski

Appendix B

The a.s.shole and the Hustle

Now that you've picked up the essential a.s.shole skills to help you at work and with women, it's time to use the att.i.tude to help fill your wallet. As you've learned, an a.s.shole is convincing. He has a certain something about him-something you too can achieve-that allows him to persuade people. This power of persuasion is just what you need to start your own hustle.

An a.s.shole is convincing.

What's a hustle?

We're glad you asked. A hustle is something you have happening on the side; it's not really legal or legitimate, but it can bring in some serious dough. Why doesn't everyone have a hustle then? Because everyone doesn't have it. It is what makes a hustler's hustle successful. Lucky for you, adopting the a.s.shole persona will allow you to have it. So put it to good use. Try and make some money off one of these ventures. (Or at least have a good laugh thinking how crazy they'd be to try.) Be a loan shark Bad news: people are poor. Good news: you can take advantage of broke people by lending them money at a ridiculously high interest rate. You'll get in trouble if you threaten or harm your clients, but if you can resist the urge to break fingers if they don't pay you back, try it out. Start with a couple of your d-bag friends and see how it works for you.

Sell religious artifacts Next time you're baking cookies or making a grilled cheese sandwich, put your artistic skills to the test and etch the image of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, or another religious icon into the food. Post a photo of the object on eBay and you never know-you could end up making a fortune off a gullible religious fanatic.

"Discover" a mythic creature Those Scottish fools have made a bundle selling pictures and footage of Nessy. And just recently, two guys down South "caught" Bigfoot and had his dead body to prove it.

Work a per diem job on company time If you work in a profession where it's possible to get side jobs, use one of your paid sick days and work for someone else. Even if your temporary job only gets you a few bucks, factor in the time you're milking off the company clock and it usually proves to be worth your time.

Write letters from Santa Odds are, you figured out there was no Santa the same way everyone else did: you noticed that Santa's handwriting was very similar to your mom's or dad's. Since typed letters don't suggest childlike Christmas innocence, offer to handwrite official Santa letter responses. Advertise your services near places where kids can sit on Santa's lap-most of those kids can't read, right?

Sell your friends' stuff Next time a friend is moving or cleaning out her garage, offer to help-then keep your eyes peeled for stuff you can sell for profit. She may be planning on tossing out her recliner with the cigarette burn in the armrest, but maybe you can find a sucker on craigslist to buy it for $25. If you feel bad taking advantage of your friend, buy her lunch-just don't tell her why.

Trademark a buzzword That d-bag Donald Trump actually had the b.a.l.l.s to file a trademark request for the phrase "You're fired." So if you notice a term that's annoying enough to become this year's "That's hot," file an application. You could end up cas.h.i.+ng in anytime someone uses your brilliant buzzword, though some people may have a few choice words for you.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH We have dibs on "semantic mapping."

Start a dumping service Telling your significant other that he or she is not so significant is a sucky task at best. Why not take on this messy ch.o.r.e for others? Sure, you'll end up consoling heartbroken men and women, but they don't have your number to drunk dial you in the middle of the night.