My Double Life: The Memoirs of Sarah Bernhardt Part 9

"You are very fond of the stage?" he began.

"Oh, no, Monsieur," I answered.

This unexpected reply amazed him. He looked at Madame Guerard from under his heavy eyelids, and she at once said: "No, she does not care for the stage; but she does not want to marry, and consequently she will have no money, as her father left her a hundred thousand francs which she can only get on her wedding-day. Her mother, therefore, wants her to have some profession, for Madame Bernhardt has only an annuity, a fairly good one, but it is only an annuity, and so she will not be able to leave her daughters anything. On that account she wants Sarah to become independent. She would like to enter a convent."

"But that is not an independent career, my child," said Auber slowly.

"How old is she?" he asked.

"Fourteen and a half," replied Madame Guerard.

"No," I exclaimed, "I am nearly fifteen."

The kind old man smiled.

"In twenty years from now," he said, "you will insist less upon the exact figures," and, evidently thinking the visit had lasted long enough, he rose.

"It appears," he said to Madame Guerard, "that this little girl's mother is very beautiful?"

"Oh, very beautiful," she replied.

"You will please express my regret to her that I have not seen her, and my thanks for her having been so charmingly replaced." He thereupon kissed Madame Guerard's hand, and she coloured slightly. This conversation remained engraved on my mind. I remember every word of it, every movement and every gesture of M. Auber's, for this little man, so charming and so gentle, held my future in his transparent-looking hand.

He opened the door for us and, touching me on my shoulder, said: "Come, courage, little girl. Believe me, you will thank your mother some day for driving you to it. Don't look so sad. Life is well worth beginning seriously, but gaily."

I stammered out a few words of thanks, and just as I was making my exit a fine-looking woman knocked against me. She was heavy and extremely bustling, though, and M. Auber bent his head towards me and said quietly:

"Above all things, don't let yourself get stout like this singer.

Stoutness is the enemy of a woman and of an artist."

The man-servant was now holding the door open for us, and as M. Auber returned to his visitor I heard him say:

"Well, most ideal of women?"

I went away rather astounded, and did not say a word in the carriage.

Madame Guerard told my mother about our interview, but she did not even let her finish, and only said, "Good, good; thank you."

As the examination was to take place a month after this visit, it became necessary to prepare for it. My mother did not know any theatrical people. My G.o.dfather advised me to learn _Phedre_, but Mlle. de Brabender objected, as she thought it a little offensive, and refused to help me if I chose that. M. Meydieu, our old friend, wanted me to work at Chimene in _Le Cid_, but first he declared that I clenched my teeth too much for it. It was quite true that I did not make the _o_ open enough and did not roll the _r_ sufficiently either. He wrote a little note-book for me, which I am copying textually, as my poor dear Guerard religiously kept everything concerning me, and she gave me, later on, a quant.i.ty of papers which are useful now.

The following is our odious friend's work:

"Every morning instead of _do .. re .. mi_ ... practise _te .. de ..

de_.., in order to learn to vibrate....

"Before breakfast repeat forty times over, _Un-tres-gros-rat-dans-un-tres-gros-trou_, in order to vibrate the _r_.

"Before dinner repeat forty times: _Combien ces six saucisses-ci? C'est six sous, ces six saucisses-ci. Six sous ces six saucisses-ci? Six sous ceux-ci! Six sous ceux-la; six sous ces six saucissons-ci!_ in order to learn not to whizz the _s_.

"At night, when going to bed, repeat twenty times: _Didon dina, dit-on, du dos d'un dodu dindon._

"And twenty times: _Le plus pet.i.t papa, pet.i.t pipi, pet.i.t popo, pet.i.t pupu._ Open the mouth square for the _d_ and pout for the _p_."

He gave this piece of work quite seriously to Mlle. de Brabender, who quite seriously wanted me to practise it. My governess was charming, and I was very fond of her, but I could not help yelling with laughter when, after making me go through the _te de de_ exercise, which went fairly well, and then the _tres gros rat_, &c., she started on the _saucisson_ (sausages)! Ah, no. There was a cacophony of hisses in her toothless mouth, enough to make all the dogs in Paris howl. And when she began with the _Didon_, accompanied by the _plus pet.i.t papa_, I thought my dear governess was losing her reason. She half closed her eyes, her face was red, her moustache bristled up, she put on a sententious, hurried manner; her mouth widened out and looked like the slit in a money-box, or else it was creased up into a little ring, and she purred and hissed and chirped and fooled without ceasing. I flung myself exhausted into my wicker chair, choking with laughter, and great tears poured from my eyes. I stamped on the floor, flung my arms out right and left until they were tired, and rocked myself backwards and forwards, pealing with laughter.

My mother, attracted by the noise I was making, half opened the door.

Mlle. de Brabender explained to her very gravely that she was showing me M. Meydieu's method. My mother expostulated with me, but I would not listen to anything, as I was nearly beside myself with laughter. She then took Mlle. de Brabender away and left me alone, for she feared that I should finish with hysterics. When once I was by myself I began to calm down. I closed my eyes and thought of my convent again. The _te de de_ got mixed up in my enervated brain with the "Our Father," which I used to have to repeat some days fifteen or twenty times as a punishment. Finally I came to myself again, got up, and after bathing my face in cold water went to my mother, whom I found playing whist with my governess and G.o.dfather. I kissed Mlle. de Brabender, and she returned my kiss with such indulgent kindness that I felt quite embarra.s.sed by it.

Ten days pa.s.sed by, and I did none of M. Meydieu's exercises, except the _te de de_ at the piano. My mother came and woke me every morning for this, and it drove me wild. My G.o.dfather made me learn _Aricie_, but I understood nothing of what he told me about the verses. He considered, and explained to me, that poetry must be said with an intonation, and that all the value of it resided in the rhyme. His theories were boring to listen to and impossible to execute. Then I could not understand Aricie's character, for it did not seem to me that she loved Hippolyte at all, and she appeared to me to be a scheming flirt. My G.o.dfather explained to me that in olden times this was the way people loved each other, and when I remarked that Phedre appeared to love in a better way than that, he took me by the chin and said: "Just look at this naughty child. She is pretending not to understand, and would like us explain to her...."

This was simply idiotic. I did not understand, and had not asked anything, but this man had a _bourgeois_ mind, and was sly and lewd. He did not like me because I was thin, but he was interested in me because I was going to be an actress. That word evoked for him the weak side of our art. He did not see the beauty, the n.o.bleness of it, nor yet its beneficial power.

I could not fathom all this at that time, but I did not feel at ease with this man, whom I had seen from my childhood and who was almost like a father to me. I did not want to continue learning _Aricie_. In the first place, I could not talk about it with my governess, as she would not discuss the piece at all.

I then learnt _L'Ecole des Femmes_, and Mlle. de Brabender explained Agnes to me. The dear, good lady did not see much in it, for the whole story appeared to her of childlike simplicity, and when I said the lines, "He has taken from me, he has taken from me the ribbon you gave me," she smiled in all confidence when Meydieu and my G.o.dfather laughed heartily.

VIII

THE CONSERVATOIRE

Finally the examination day arrived. Every one had given me advice, but no one any real helpful counsel. It had not occurred to any one that I ought to have had a professional to prepare me for my examination. I got up in the morning with a heavy heart and an anxious mind. My mother had had a black silk dress made for me. It was slightly low-necked, and was finished with a gathered berthe. The frock was rather short, and showed my drawers. These were trimmed with embroidery, and came down to my brown kid boots. A white guimpe emerged from my black bodice and was fastened round my throat, which was too slender. My hair was parted on my forehead and then fell as it liked, for it was not held by pins or ribbons. I wore a large straw hat, although the season was rather advanced. Every one came to inspect my dress, and I was turned round and round twenty times at least. I had to make my curtsey for every one to see. Finally I seemed to give general satisfaction. _Mon pet.i.t Dame_ came downstairs, with her grave husband, and kissed me. She was deeply affected. Our old Marguerite made me sit down, and put before me a cup of cold beef tea, which she had simmered so carefully for a long time that it was then a delicious jelly; I swallowed it in a second. I was in a great hurry to start. On rising from my chair, I moved so brusquely that my dress caught on to an invisible splinter of wood, and was torn.

My mother turned to a visitor, who had arrived about five minutes before and had remained in contemplative admiration ever since.

"There," she said to him in a vexed tone, "that is a proof of what I told you. All your silks tear with the slightest movement."

"Oh no," replied our visitor quickly; "I told you that this one was not well dressed, and let you have it at a low price on that account."

He who spoke was a young Jew, not ugly. He was a Dutchman--shy, tenacious, but never violent. I had known him from my childhood. His father, who was a friend of my grandfather's on my mother's side, was a rich tradesman and the father of a tribe of children. He gave each of his sons a small sum of money, and sent them out to make their fortune where they liked. Jacques, the one of whom I am speaking, came to Paris.

He had commenced by selling Pa.s.sover cakes, and as a boy had often brought me some of them to the convent, together with the dainties that my mother sent me. Later on, my surprise was great on seeing him offer my mother rolls of oil-cloth such as is used for tablecloths for early breakfast. I remember one of those cloths the border of which was formed of medallions representing the French kings. It was from that oil-cloth that I learned my history best. For the last month he had owned quite an elegant vehicle, and he sold "silks that were not well dressed." At present he is one of the leading jewellers of Paris.

The slit in my dress was soon mended, and, knowing now that the silk was not well dressed, I treated it with respect. Well, finally we started, Mlle. de Brabender, Madame Guerard, and I, in a carriage that was only intended for two persons; and I was glad that it was so small, for I was close to two people who were fond of me, and my silk frock was spread carefully over their knees.

When I entered the waiting-room that leads into the recital hall of the Conservatoire, there were about fifteen young men and twenty girls there. All these girls were accompanied by their mother, father, aunt, brother, or sister. There was an odour of pomade and vanilla that made me feel sick.

When we were shown into this room I felt that every one was looking at me, and I blushed to the back of my head. Madame Guerard drew me gently along, and I turned to take Mlle. de Brabender's hand. She came shyly forward, blus.h.i.+ng more and still more confused than I was. Every one looked at her, and I saw the girls nudge each other and nod in her direction.

One of them got suddenly up and moved across to her mother. "Oh, mercy, look at that old sight!" she said. My poor governess felt most uncomfortable, and I was furious, I thought she was a thousand times nicer than all those fat, dressed-up, common-looking mothers. Certainly she was different from other people in her appearance, for Mlle. de Brabender was wearing a salmon-coloured dress and an Indian shawl, drawn tightly across her shoulders and fastened with a very large cameo brooch. Her bonnet was trimmed with ruches, so close together that it looked like a nun's head-gear. She certainly was not at all like these dreadful people in whose society we found ourselves, and among whom there were not more than ten exceptions. The young men were standing in compact groups near the windows. They were laughing and, I expect, making remarks in doubtful taste.

The door opened and a girl with a red face, and a young man perfectly scarlet, came back after acting their scene. They each went to their respective friends and then chattered away, finding fault with each other. A name was called out: Mlle. Dica Pet.i.t, and I saw a tall, fair, distinguished-looking girl move forward without any embarra.s.sment. She stopped on her way to kiss a pretty woman, stout, with a pink and white complexion, and very much dressed up.

"Don't be afraid, mother dear," she said, and then she added a few words in Dutch before disappearing, followed by a young man and a very thin girl who were to perform with her.

This was explained to me by Leautaud, who called over the names of the pupils and took down the names of those who were up to pa.s.s their examination and those who were to act with them and give them the cues.

I knew nothing of all this, and wondered who was to give me the cues for Agnes. He mentioned several young men, but I interrupted him.

"Oh no," I said; "I will not ask any one. I do not know any of them, and I will not ask."