The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas Part 7

The dead man plied his discourse with so much gravity and earnestness, that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all truths are not to be spoken, especially among the devils, where hardly any are admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the doctors should come to hear what had been said, Lucifer presently ordered the fellow to be gagged, or put in security for his good behaviour.

His mouth was no sooner stopped but another was opened; and one of the d.a.m.ned came running cross the company, and so up and down, back and forward (like a cur that had lost his master) bawling as if he had been out of his wits, and crying out, "Oh! where am I? Where am I? I am abused, I am choused; what's the meaning of all this? Here are d.a.m.ning devils, tempting devils, and tormenting devils, but the devil a devil can I find of the devils that brought me hither; they have gotten away my devils; where are they? Give me my devils again."

It might well make the company stare, to see a fellow hunting for devils in h.e.l.l, where they swarm in legions. But as he was in this hurry, a gouvernante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped him. "Old lucky-bird," says she, "if thou wantest devils here, where dost expect to find them?" He knew her as soon as he saw her. And "Art thou here old Beelzebub in a petticoat?" said he, "the very picture of Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of lechery, the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the seasoner of rotten mutton, the interpretress betwixt wh.o.r.es and knaves, the preface to the remedy of love, and the prologue to the critical minute. Speak, and without more ado, tell me, where are the devils and their dams that brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an awfe as to be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns, bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than these. Where are the mothers that play the bawds to their own daughters? and the aunts that do as much for their nieces, and make them caper and sparkle like wild-fire? The black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and strike as sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The make-bates and incendiaries, that are the very canker of human society? Where are the story-mongers? The masters of the faculty of lying? that report more than they hear, affirm more than they know, and swear more than they believe. Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into interest, and make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend ecstasy when they are drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of their luxury and tipple for revelations? That make chapels of their parlours, preachments of their ordinary entertainments, and everything they do is a miracle. They can divine all that's told them, and raise people to life again; that counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man to the devil with a _Deo gratias_. These are the devils I would be at; these are they that have d.a.m.ned me; look them out, and find them for me, ye impudent hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French hood for them." And with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off her head-gear, and laid about him so furiously that there would have been no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his absolute authority to quiet him.

Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the shooting of bars and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that creaked for want of grease, and a strange humming of a great number of people. The first that appeared were a company of bold, talkative, and painted old women; but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat scandalised at their behaviour, and told them how ill they did to be merry in h.e.l.l; and several others admired it as much, and asked them the reason of it, considering their condition. With that one of the gang, that was wretchedly thin and pale, and raised upon a pair of heels that made her legs longer than her body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at their first coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of d.a.m.ned old jades to be. "But," says she, "we were a little comforted when we heard of no other punishments here, than weeping and gnas.h.i.+ng of teeth, and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a tooth in our heads." "Search them presently," cried the intermeddler, "squeeze the b.a.l.l.s of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you'll find snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil the jest." Upon the scrutiny they were found so dry that they were good for nothing in the world but to serve for tinder or matches, and so they were disposed of into the devils' tinder-boxes.

While they were casing up the old women there came on a number of people of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the first they saw, "Pray'e gentlemen," said they, "before we go any further, will ye direct us to the court of rewards?" "How's that," cried one of the company, "I was afraid we had been in h.e.l.l, but since you talk of rewards I hope 'tis but purgatory." "Good, good," said the whole mult.i.tude, "you'll quickly find where you are." "Purgatory!" cried the intermeddler, "you have left that up the hill there, upon the right hand. This is h.e.l.l, and a place of punishment; here's no registry of rewards." "Then we are mistaken,"

said he that spake first. "How so?" cried the intermeddler. "You shall hear," said the other, "we were in the Other world ent.i.tled to the order of the squires of the pad, and borrowed now and then a small sum upon the King's highway; we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use of the frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to give them their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of thriving, and had gotten a habit and could not leave it. We asked them, 'What would you have us do?

Money we have none, and without it there's no living; should we stay till it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor _individuum vagum_ to live? that has neither estate, office, master, nor friend to maintain him, and is quite out of his element unless he be either in a tavern, a bawdy-house, or a gaming ordinary. Now, that's the man that Providence has appointed to live by his wits.' Our advisers saw there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that in the other world we should meet with our reward.

"They would tell us some time, how base a thing it was to defame the house and abuse the bed of a friend. Our answer was ready, 'Well! and had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the master and lady kind, the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling into a family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in his hand to entertain us.' Upon this, our grave counsellors finding us so resolute, e'en gave us over, and told us as before, that in the other world we should meet with our reward. Now taking this to be the other world these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards they promised us."

"Abominable scoundrels!" said an officer of justice, there at hand, "how many of your reprobated companions have squandered away their fortunes upon wh.o.r.es and dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many a n.o.ble family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, 'Tush, tush; our wives and children are in the hands of Providence; and let Him provide for the rooks, that feeds the ravens.' Then was it told ye, you should find your reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye shall receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with them." At which word a legion of devils fell on upon the miserable caitiffs, with whips and firebrands, and gave them their long-expected reward; and at every lash a voice was heard to say, "In the other world you shall receive your reward;" these wretches, in the meanwhile, d.a.m.ning and sinking themselves to the pit of h.e.l.l, still, as if they had been upon earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable blasphemies.

Just as this storm blew over there drew near a mult.i.tude of bailiffs, sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with the thieves'

devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer, with a fell countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and called his officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his place, a certain officer began his report. "Here is before thee," quoth he, "a devil, most mighty Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in his trade; and the shame of his quality and profession, instead of d.a.m.ning men, he has made it his business to save them." The word save put the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning about to his attorney, "Who would ever have imagined," said he, "that so treacherous a rascal could have been harboured in my dominions?" "It is most certain, my gracious lord," replied the attorney, "that this devil has been very diligent in drawing people into thefts and pilferies, and then, when they come to be discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or some mischief or other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to confess and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly devil thinks, that when he has brought them to steal, murder, coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them; whereas he should stick close to them in the prison, and be tempting of them to despair and make away themselves. But when they are once left to the priest, he commonly brings them to a sight of their sins, and they 'scape. Now this simple devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to heaven from the gallows, the wheel, and the f.a.ggot: and this failing has lost your Highness many a fair purchase." "Here's enough," cried the president, "and there needs no more charge against him." The poor devil thought it was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of pa.s.sing his sentence; and so he cried out, "My lord," said he, "I beseech you hear me; for though they say the devil is dead, it is not meant of your greatness." So there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.

"I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are d.a.m.ned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the gallows, h.e.l.l will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account.

How many marshal's-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always provided they leave better money instead on't). How many false witnesses and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear _ex tempore_, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys, and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in't; and yet, when it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man's face (that is to say again, provided they were well paid for the fas.h.i.+on). How many jailers that would wink at an escape for a l.u.s.ty bribe! And how many attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two.

But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a candle's end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there's this in't: Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but 'scape and go to h.e.l.l at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms.

But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I am."

Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil spirits that had abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of pains corporal and spiritual; and they desired him, too, that he would not lay down his employment, for he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it. But to think of easing himself, by going to a pretender, he'd find himself mistaken, for 'twas a duty he'd never be able to endure. "Well!" says he, "e'en what your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might have lived very comfortably in that condition; for he has no more to do, that I can see, than to keep his ears open, and learn his trade. For put case it should be some pretender to a good office, or a fat bishopric (though the fathers and councils are against pretenders in this case) I fancy to myself all the pleasure and divertis.e.m.e.nt that may be. It is as good as going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B C. And all that we have to do is to sit still and learn."

The vision that followed this was the daemon of tobacco, which I must confess did not a little surprise me. I have indeed often said to myself, "Certainly these smokers are possessed;" but I could never swear it till now. "I have," said the devil, "by bringing this weed into Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the ma.s.sacres and butcheries they committed there, and done them more mischief than ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: by how much it is more honourable to die upon a sword's point by gunshot, or at the mouth of a cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another world; or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, which is the ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It is with tobacconists as 'tis with demoniacs under an exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very idol of it; they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an ecstasy. In the smoke it is a probation for h.e.l.l, where another day they must endure smoking; taken in powder, at the nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of old age, in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel."

The devil of subornation came next, which was a good-complexioned and a well-timbered devil, to my great amazement I must acknowledge, for I had never seen any devils till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under one shape and then under another. One while he called himself child's-play; another while, kind entertainment; here, payment; there, rest.i.tution; and, in a third place, alms: but, in fine, I could never learn his right name. I remember in some places I have heard him called inheritance, profit, good cheap, patrimony, grat.i.tude. Here he was called doctor; there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and attorneys, he pa.s.sed under the name of right; and the confessors called him charity.

He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan's lieutenant; but there was a devil of consequence that opposed him, might and main, and made this proclamation of himself. "Be it known," says he, "that I am the great embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of tyrants. I can make black, white; and give what colour I please to the foulest actions in nature. If I had a mind to overturn the world, and put all in a general confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my power to banish order and reason out of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit, example into necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors at my girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less than just as I please. In short, that's easy to me which others account impossible, and while I live ye need never fear either virtue, justice, or good government in the world. This devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what could he ever have done without me? He's a rascal that no person of quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit him with vizors and disguises. Let him hold his tongue then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those disputes about the lieutenancy of h.e.l.l, for I have Lucifer's broad seal to show for my t.i.tle to't."

"For my part," cried another mutinous spirit, "I am one of those humble-minded devils that can content myself to hold the door, upon a good occasion; or knock under the table, and play at small game rather than stand out. But few words among friends are best, and when I have spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then," says he, "the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss upon the text; in which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly beholden to me; for I have much to say for the honour of the horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome wench to his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his head in the world, if it were not for that quality? I have a pretty faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of need; and I make the whole s.e.x sensible how great a folly and madness it is to neglect those sweet opportunities. Among other secrets, I have found out a way to establish an office for thievery, where the officers shall be thieves and justify it when they have done." Here he stopped.

There was a short silence, and then there appeared another devil of about a foot and a half long. "I am," says he, "a devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of the least in h.e.l.l; and yet the door opens to me as well as to another, for I never come empty handed." "Why, what have you brought them?" says the intermeddler, and came up to him, "What have I brought?" quoth he, "I have brought an eternal talker and a finical flatterer; they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets of two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to Lucifer."

With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, and with a d.a.m.ned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, "You do well," says he, "to say ye had them at court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither again; for I had as lief have their room as their company."

After him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no good to be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort were scandalised at his conversation. "A mighty piece of business," cried the gouvernante. "And could you not have gotten him a handsome office or employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might have done his business."

In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping devils in a corner, that were f.a.gotted up, and all mouldy and full of cobwebs, which he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them air.

With much ado they waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they did there, and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and said that they were the devils of luxury: "But since the women have taken a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before their modesty and honour, there has been no need of a devil in the case to tempt them; for 'tis but showing them the merry spankers, they'll dare like larks, and fall down before ye, and then ye may e'en do what you will with them, and take them up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an angel of a crocodile, turns a fool into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well lined is worth twenty thousand devils. So that there is no temptation like a present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of woman is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories."

Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and 'twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. "I am,"

says he, "the nuns' devil, and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me. My mistresses are now choosing an abbess, and always when they are at that work I make holiday: for they are all devils themselves then; there is such canva.s.sing, flattering, importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so general a confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, the ambitious make it a point of honour upon such an occasion, to show that they can out-wit the devils. And if ever h.e.l.l should be in danger of a peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly reduce it to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pa.s.s that we should hardly know one another."

Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it to be entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a summons to all his companies and livery-men, who forthwith appeared in prodigious mult.i.tudes; and Lucifer with a hideous yell delivered himself most graciously as follows.

THE DECREE OF LUCIFER

"To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved subjects, lying under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, that lived pensioners to sin, and had death for their pay-master, greeting. This is to let you understand, that there are two devils, who pretend a claim to the honour of our lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and respect to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain she-devil that deserves it before all others."

At this the whole a.s.sembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it bade them never trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but fetch good fortune to him, known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity, who presently appeared in the tail of the a.s.sembly, and with a proud and disdainful air marched up and planted herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked her wistly in the face, and then he on in the tone he first began.

"It is our will, pleasure, and command, that next and immediately under our proper person, you pay all honour and respect to the Lady Prosperity, and obey her, as the most mighty and supreme governess of these our dominions. Which t.i.tles and qualities we have conferred upon her, as due to her merit; for she hath d.a.m.ned more souls than all you together. She it is that makes men cast off all fear of G.o.d and love of their neighbour. She it is that makes men place their sovereign good in riches; that engages and entangles men's minds in vanity; strikes them blind in their pleasures; loads them with treasure, and buries them in sin. Where's the tragedy that she has not played her part in't? Where's the stability and wisdom that she has not staggered? Where's the folly that she has not improved and augmented? She takes no counsel and fears no punishment. She it is that furnishes matter for scandal, experience for story, that entertains the cruelty of tyrants, and bathes the executioners in innocent blood. How many souls that lived innocent, while they were poor, have fallen into impiety and reprobation, so soon as ever they came to drink of the enchanted cup of prosperity! Go to then, be obedient to her, we charge ye all, as to ourself; and know, that they that stand their ground against prosperity are none of your quarry.

Let them e'en alone, for 'tis but time lost to attempt them. Take example from that impertinent devil, that got leave to tempt Job; he persecuted him, beggared him, covered him all over with scabs and ulcers.

Sot that he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone another way to work, and begged leave to have multiplied riches upon him, and to have possessed him of health and pleasures. That's the trial; and how many are there that when they thrive in the world turn their backs upon Heaven, and never so much as name their Creator, but in oaths, and then too, without thinking on Him? Their discourse is all of jollities, banquets, comedies, purchases, and the like. Whereas the poor man has G.o.d perpetually both in his mouth and heart. 'Lord,' says he, 'be mindful of me, and have mercy upon me, for all my trust is in Thee.'

Wherefore," says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour, "let it be published forthwith throughout all our territories, that calamities, troubles, and persecutions are our mortal enemies, for so we have found them upon experience; they are the dispensations of Providence, the blessings of the Almighty, to fit sinners for Himself, and they that suffer them are enrolled in the militia of heaven.

"_Item_; For the better administration of our government, it is our will and pleasure, and we do strictly charge and command, that our devils give constant attendance in all courts of judicature; and they are hereby totally discharged from any further care of little pettifoggers, flatterers, and envious persons, for they are so well acquainted with h.e.l.l road, that they'll guide one another without the help of a devil to bring them hither.

"_Item_; We do ordain and command that no devil presume for the future to entertain any confident, but profit; for that's the harbinger that provides vice the most commodious quarter, even in the straitest consciences.

"_Item_; We do ordain, as a matter of great importance to the conservation of our empire, that in what part soever of our dominions the devil of money shall vouchsafe to appear, all other devils there present shall rise, and, with a low reverence, present him the chair, in token of their submission to his power and authority.

"_Item_; We do most expressly charge and command all our officers, as well civil as military, to employ their utmost diligence and industry, for the establis.h.i.+ng a general peace throughout the world. For that's the time for wickedness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper and flourish-as luxury, gluttony, idleness, lying, slandering, gaming, and whoring; and, in a word, sin is upon the increase and goodness in the wane. Whereas in a state of war, men are upon the exercise of valour and virtue; calling often upon Heaven, in the morning, for fear of being knocked on the head after dinner: and honest men and actions are rewarded.

"_Item_; We do from this time forward discharge all our officers and agents whatsoever, from giving themselves any further trouble of tempting men and women to sins of incontinence, for as much as we find, upon experience, that adultery and fornication will never be left, till the old woman scratches the stool for her backside. And though there may be several intervals of repentance, and some faint purposes of giving it over, yet the humour returns again with the next tide of blood, and concupiscence is as loyal a subject to us as any we have in our dominions.

"_Item_; In consideration of the exemption aforesaid, by which means several poor devils are left without present employment; and forasmuch as there are many merchants and tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up and down the world, that are very charitably disposed to relieve people in want, especially young heirs newly at age, and spendthrifts, that come to borrow money of them; but the times being dead, and little money stirring, all they can do is to furnish them with what the house affords; and if a hundred pound or two in commodity will do them any good, 'tis at their service (they say). This the gallant takes up at an excessive rate, to sell again immediately for what he can get; and the merchant has his friend to take it off underhand, at a third part of the value (which is the way of helping men in distress). Now out of a singular respect to the said merchants and tradesmen, and for their better encouragement, as also, to the end that the devils aforesaid may not run into lewd courses for want of business, we will and require that a legion of the said devils shall from time to time be continually aiding and a.s.sisting to the said merchants and tradesmen, in the quality of factors, to be relieved monthly by a fresh legion, or oftener if occasion shall require.

"_Item_; We will and command that all our devils, of what degree or quality soever, do henceforth entertain a strict amity and correspondence with our trusty and well beloved the usurers, the revengeful, the envious, and all pretenders to great places and dignities; and, above all others, with the hypocrites, who are the most powerful impostors in nature, and so excellently skilled in their trade that they steal away people's hearts and souls at the eyes and ears insensibly, and draw to themselves adoration and reward.

"_Item_; We do further order and command, that all care possible be taken for the maintaining of blabs, informers, incendiaries, and parasites in all courts and palaces, for thence comes our harvest.

"_Item_; That the babblers, tale-bearers, make-bates, and instruments of divorces and quarrels, be no longer called fanes, but bellows; in regard that they draw and inflame, without giving any allay or refreshment.

"_Item_; That the intermeddlers be hereafter called and reputed the devils' body-lice, because they fetch blood of those that feed and nourish them."

Lucifer then casting a sour look over his shoulder, and spying the gouvernante: "I'm of his mind," quoth he, "that said, 'Let G.o.d dispose of the Douegnas (or gouvernantes) as He pleases; for I'm in no little trouble how to dispose of these confounded carrions.'" Whereupon, the d.a.m.ned cried out, with one voice, "Oh, Lucifer! let it never be said that it rained Douegnas in thy dominions. Are we not miserable enough without this new plague of being baited by hags?" "Ah! cursed Lucifer," cried every one to himself, "stow them anywhere, so they come not near me."

And with that, they all clapped their tails between their legs, and drew in their horns, for fear of this new torment. Lucifer, finding how the dread of the old women wrought upon the devils, contented himself, at the present, to let it pa.s.s only _in terrorem_; but withal he swore, by the honour of his imperial crown, and as he hoped to be saved, that what devil devil's dam, or reprobate soever, should in time to come be found wanting to his duty and in the least degree disobedient to his laws and ordinances, all and every the said devil or devils, their dams and reprobates so offending, should be delivered up to the torture of the Douegna, and tied muzzle to muzzle; so to remain _in saecula saeculorum_, without relief or appeal, or any law, statute, or usage to the contrary notwithstanding. "But in the meantime, cast them into that dry ditch,"

says he, "that they may be ready for use upon any occasion."

Immediately, upon the p.r.o.nouncing of this solemn decree, Lucifer retired to his cell, the weather cleared up, and the company dispersed in a fright, at so horrible a menace, and so went about their business: when a voice was heard out of the clouds, as the voice of an angel, saying, "He that rightly comprehends the morality of this discourse, shall never repent the reading of it."

THE END