Josh Billings on Ice Part 26

_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things briskly.

_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur t.i.te boots is small feet.

_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.

_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.

_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his polisy having about run out.

_Ezra._--n.o.boddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a holt on evrything.

_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi pocket-book last."

_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws on.

_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.

_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov ph.e.l.lers in the lump; i lived with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save b.u.t.ter, and then i quit the arkadians.

_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in the kuntry.

_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash for his whiskey and billyards.

_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a gallond.

_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.

Don't write only on one side ov the ma.n.u.script, and don't write mutch onto that.

Don't send a ma.n.u.script, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits dry.

We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for contribushuns, ackording tew heft.

Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.

Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.

The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and elopements with another man's wife.

No swareing aloud in our paper.

Yure article on "frogs" is received.

It made me laff like lightning.

LX.

JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD.

Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top plenty,--tater skase.

It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav _got_ ritch.

The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.

It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often undertook.

Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.

If yu want tew git at the circ.u.mference ov a man, examine him among men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his fireside.

Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.

Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,--

1st, them who know it _iz_ so!

2d, them who know it _aint_ so!

3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!

4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!

Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov idleness.