Junai Vol 1 Chapter 4

「Oblivion: Chapter 4

“…What…?”

The first thing that came to my head was the thought that maybe I was dreaming. All I could do was stare at him as he stood there in his white lab coat, with my mouth open like an idiot, while he dropped the blanket he had ripped off of me to the floor.

“I wanted to see you.”

I felt him leaning over me. This was not a dream. This was clearly reality.

“Did you want to see me, too?” he chucked and his breath hit my lips.

“……No –”

His lips covered my lips when I tried to deny it.

“……!”

This took me back in time. This was the same kiss from one year ago. His tongue powerfully violated the inside of my mouth making me sigh through the openings in our kiss.

When he chuckled lightly as he kissed me, I opened my eyes, and he withdrew from me.

“……….”

The air hit my wet lips making me feel extremely cold. I frowned, unable to explain why I felt dread, and he smiled and then said this as if it were a natural thing to say.

“Take your clothes off.”

“……Huh?”

“Quickly,” he said as he abandoned his white lab coat and began to loosen his tie. As I stared at him dumbfounded, he said again, “Take off your clothes,” and jerked his head as a sign to prompt me.

Acting completely on their own, my hands began to undo the b.u.t.tons on my s.h.i.+rt. Seeing me do this, he smiled again, undid his cuff b.u.t.tons and dropped his s.h.i.+rt to the floor. As if being lured into this, I also dropped my s.h.i.+rt. He continued undressing, his hands now on his belt. He lowered his slacks together with his underwear and took off his socks as well, becoming completely naked. Seeing his naked body in front of me, I lay down on the bed and invited him.

“Show me,” he said, laughing and pulled me up by my arm into a siting position again.

“……Eh?”

I looked at him confused, and he smiled, narrowing his beautiful eyes at me.

“…Flip over. Get down on your hands and knees,” he said, powerfully pulling on my arm again. I did as I was told. I turned my back to him and got down on my hands and knees into a doggy position. I didn’t really know why I was obeying him. There was an odd foggy feeling in my head, but strangely, I didn’t have any disgust, the desire for him to stop, or any other negative feelings towards him.

“Lift your hips.”

Again I did as I was told and lifted my hips up high. He put his hands on my behind and I felt him spread it in two.

“…As always, it’s a beautiful color.”

I heard him chuckle and the next moment I felt something warm a.s.sault me there. Inadvertently, I looked over my shoulder to find that he had his face buried in my behind.

“No……!”

At that moment, my heart began to beat faster. As he spread me apart with both his hands, he continued sucking and licking me there, making a lot of wet noise as if on purpose.

He inserted the tip of his tongue, rubbed it inside of me, and lightly bit the fleshy parts surrounding my a.n.u.s.

“…Ah…!”

With his hands on my b.u.t.tocks, he lifted my hips up higher. I buried my face in the sheets, my elbows bent and the palms of my hands stuck to the bed. My inner thighs trembled from this difficult stance, but this wasn’t only because it was difficult. My legs began to tremble when I felt waves of pleasure gradually rising from the lower part of my body. One year ago, he had f.u.c.ked me so hard that it had made me climax over and over again and had even made me lose consciousness. A raring feeling was sprouting inside me now. I wanted a hotter and larger ma.s.s inside of me instead of the tongue.

When he suddenly stopped caressing me there, without thinking, I violently swayed my hips as if imploring him to continue. With that, he removed his tongue from there and I realized my own shamelessness. Inadvertently, I wanted to apologize for this and looked over my shoulder at him.

“You didn’t let anyone…?”

The smile on his smiling face was like a flower. I silently gave a deep nod as I looked at his beautiful smiling face, but I had no idea what he had meant when he had asked me that.

“You didn’t let anyone touch you here for one year?”

As he said this, he inserted his finger all the way into the wet opening.

“Mhmm,” I nodded and felt a squirming feeling down there as if I were tightening around his finger.

“You were waiting for me?”

He grasped the fleshy part on my b.u.t.tocks and forced the opening wider. Then he suddenly inserted another finger and began to violently pull his fingers in and out, stirring it up inside me.

“No……!”

I arched my back backwards from this sudden act and twisted my body forward, trying to escape. But he wrapped one hand around my stomach, pulled me closer to him, and continued to violently churn in up inside me.

“Ah!……No!……Aah……!”

His long, slender fingers rummaged deeper inside me. These fingers, which had lead me to a peak one year ago, wiggled inside me again.

“Were you waiting?”

His voice rang as if he were singing. I nodded over and over and swayed my hips to the violent movement of his fingers, which betrayed the kindness in his voice.

“……I……was waiting, too,” he muttered.

Had these words actually come out from his mouth or had I imagined them? I couldn’t tell anymore. I violently swayed my hips, desiring for more power, and he lightly smacked my b.u.t.tocks as if saying he understood. Then pulled out his fingers.

“Ah……!”

I let out scream-like gasps, and the squirming down there was so violent, it was scary. He chuckled again above me. I itched for him to be inside me. As the violent squirming continued down there, he suddenly screwed his erect c.o.c.k inside me.

“Ah…..!”

I felt myself stop breathing from his sudden thrust, but this was precisely the strength I had wished for. I wished for a deeper connection, so inadvertently, I thrust up my b.u.t.tocks closer to him. He grasped one of my legs, and with that, lifted my leg up high, turned me to the side and began violently thrusting.

“Ah!……Haa……! Ah!…….Aah…….!”

It hurt to have half of my body float in the air, but as his c.o.c.k dwelled deeper inside me over and over, the painful feeling disappeared. With every thrust, I felt like something heavy was being hammered into my body. When I realized that I desired that ma.s.s, I started to violently hit my own hips against him. Eventually, his never-ending, pump-like thrusts made my mind grow dim. Suddenly, he reached for my erect c.o.c.k.

“No……!”

It seemed I tightened around him the moment he grasped it.

“Urgh……”

I let out a soft pained moan as he laughed and began moving his hand over my c.o.c.k.

“Ah!……Noo……! AH!……AH!……AH……!”

Pleasure made me arch my back backwards, and my leg he had been holding up in the air slipped out, perhaps because his hand was sweating. He grabbed my leg again and lifted it up high into the air. He attacked me from both the front and the back as I moaned like a beast, until finally, I climaxed into pleasure, releasing a milky white fluid into his hand.

“Ngh!”

It seemed that because I violently tightened around him he came inside me. I felt the thickness of his s.e.m.e.n inside me. It was an indescribable feeling of satisfaction. He lowered himself on top of me and pressed his lips to mine.

“……Ah!……Haa……!”

His kiss prevented me from breathing, and when I shook my head no, he suddenly withdrew.

“……I wanted to see you,” still wildly gasping, he quietly muttered this.

“……Ah!……Haa……”

Me too, I wanted to say, but couldn't get the words to come out. He smiled again and once again violently pressed his lips to mine as if trying to prevent me from breathing. It seemed that because it was difficult for me to breathe, I lost consciousness without even realizing it.

I had a dream. He was completely naked except a white lab coat draped over his shoulders as he looked down on my naked body.

“You didn’t want to forget?”

His large eye twinkled, absorbing the light from the lamp on the bedside table. Mesmerized by the beauty, I gave a deep nod. Mhmm.

“You wanted to forget, right?”

Chuckling, he brought his face close to mine. His fingers on my chest clawed at my erect nipples. Body shaking, I desperately shook my head no, trying to transmit my resolve.

I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to see you again. I wanted you to hold me again.

Right…?

Inadvertently, I asked my dream self that. My dream self looked straight back at me and gave me a deep nod. Mhmm.

“You didn’t want to forget?”

The question repeated. My dream self gave a deep nod again. Mhmm. And hugged him as he loomed over my dream self. He placed his hands on my hair and gently brushed through it.

That…

That’s absurd, is what I should have been thinking, but at that time, I had so much envy in my heart towards my dream self that I burned.

I want his hand, too – I desired, stretching my hand out towards them.

I awoke with a start. I was lying in bed, and for some reason, I was dressed very warmly. Bewildered as to why my belt was tightly buckled and my s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.toned all the way up to my neck, I sat up, looked around me and finally saw the blanket that had fallen to the floor. I slowly picked it up. I expected to be lying here covered with sweat and s.e.m.e.n. I thought he – that man – had been here next to me and had held me in his sweaty hands. Violently confused, I looked at my clothes again and at the bed sheets, expecting them to be wrinkled, because I had scrunched them up, but the bed sheets were smoothed out as if they had been ironed and not a single piece of evidence remained of what we had done. I was dressed in the same clothes I had been wearing when I had arrived in the morning. This confused me even more. When I suddenly grasped my wrist, I noticed that I had my wrist.w.a.tch again. I slowly rolled up the cuff of my s.h.i.+rt.

The arrow on the clock indicated three o’clock. It was three o’clock in the middle of the night right now? What on earth did that mean?

I got up off the bed and turned on the light in the room. There was no sign that anyone besides me had been inside the room.

Could it have been a dream?

That’s absurd, I was about to laugh but couldn’t.

A dream?

Wow, I thought, sitting down on the bed and placing my face in my hands.

“I wanted to see you.”

Did I think that wildly gasping, whispering voice had been my dream? Did I think that deep, overpowering pleasure, which made me forget myself, had all been a dream? Was his thick s.e.m.e.n, the indescribable bliss I had received, and the power of the violent thrusts I had loudly called out for with desire all a……

A dream?

Wow, I thought, starting to softly chuckle. What a dream! Was I frustrated that much? Did I want to see him that much?

“I wanted to see you.”

Had I been the one to whisper that? Chuckling at the stupid conclusion I had derived, I tightly shut my eyes and buried my face into the palm of my hand as if trying to prevent the tears from welling up in my eyes. As if trying to engrave his phantom smiling face that I saw clearly in the depth of my closed eyes.

I want to see you. I want to see you – was the only thought welling up inside of me. In the bottom of my heart, it truly surprised me that I wanted to see him this much. Nevertheless, I sobbed for hours as I sat on that bed until the night grew pale.

The next morning, the doctor from the Department of Psychotherapy visited my hospital room. It wasn’t ‘him’ at all. It was a middle-aged man with a good physique.

“You shouldn’t worry about this too much.”

He patted me on the back, smiling and saying that we would consult about this matter again. I gave him an uncertain smile and nodded. After that, I got a CAT scan and it wasn’t until the afternoon that I finally left the hospital. After they elucidated the result of my examination, they told me I could go home since everything seemed normal. The nurse escorted me towards the hospital entrance.

“Are you alright?”

Perhaps because I had been s.p.a.cing out a little, the elderly nurse led me all the way to where the taxi cars were parked and helped me get inside the taxi.

“It’s such nice weather today, isn’t it?” she said, then mentioned how beautiful the cherry blossoms were. I nodded to please her so that she didn’t feel like she was just talking to herself. Out of the car window I looked around me and then almost gasped out loud.

“Take care.”

As she waved, I thought I saw ‘him’ standing behind her in his fluttering white lab coat, but then his image suddenly disappeared into the crowd of people.

“What’s wrong?” The nurse peered at the stunned look on my face, looking worried.

“Um…um, did the same doctor examine me today as well as yesterday?” My voice shook so much that it sounded unnatural even to me. For a moment, the nurse made a funny face, looking confused, but then smiled, understanding.

“The doctor at the Department of Psychotherapy? Yes. Doctor Yamamoto is in charge here on Thursdays and Fridays, so yes, yesterday…,” she smiled at me.

A mixed feeling of both relief and disappointment filled my heart. It had been a dream after all.

It had been a dream, I smiled wryly. The nurse looked at me suspiciously and then suddenly exclaimed, “Oh, no” perhaps remembering something.

“No?”

“Yes. Yesterday there was a different doctor. I heard that yesterday Doctor Yamamoto was attending a funeral, so he was replaced on short notice.”

“Huh?” I gripped the window frame of the lowered down car window with all my might. Even I myself felt the color of my face change. ‘He’ actually existed? Then it had been him who had visited my hospital room last night? The nurse didn’t notice how shook up I was at all perhaps because she was proud that she had remembered this all by herself. She continued talking nonstop.

“It was an urgent funeral, but luckily, the subst.i.tute that he sent for was his former student. He is still a young doctor who comes here several times for night duty. If I remember correctly his name is…”

Just then, the car behind us beeped loudly to tell us to hurry and get a move on. The nurse quickly said, “Take care then, okay?”

Waved at me, bowed with apology to the taxi behind us and headed back towards the entrance.

“Um!”

I tried to get out of the car but, “Where to, sir?” a displeased taxi driver boomed at me.

“…To the train station.”

Even though I was sure I would know his name if I chased after her and asked her, I sank down, burying myself in the seat and told the blatantly displeased driver my destination. Did it……did it mean that it had not been a dream?

“I wanted to see you.”

Did it mean that whisper, those lips, those black, smiling eyes were real? That’s absurd, I thought, but out of the corner of my eye, I had caught a fleeting glimpse of a tall figure wearing a white lab coat that fluttered with the wind.

I stopped going to that Chigasaki Hospital since then. Even though if I had wanted to, I could check whether it had been a dream or reality, but I could not muster the courage to do so. After three months had pa.s.sed, I suggested to my manger that my position be reappointed to me because I considered myself to have calmed down by now. The office just happened to be short on staff so I was easily allowed to return to my post. After that, time went by as usual and everyone forgot the fact that I was mentally unstable. I too, came to think that I was alright now.

The thing that made me recover was my firm belief that he existed. Surely, if I were to reach out to him, I would find him in that place.

“I don’t want you to forget.”

Sometimes, I answered to his ghostly whisper with a smile.

The day will never come when I will forget.