The Church of St. Bunco Part 4

CHAPTER V.

A SOFT SET OF CRITICS.

We have now learned a little of Mrs. Mary Baker G. Eddy's celestial and terrestrial biography, as derived from the supramundane novel, _Retrospection and Introspection_, and some other sources. Bare allusion has been made to her _Science and Health_. But this, she says, "is my most important work, containing the complete statement of Christian Science."

The book, as we have seen, came among men--or, more strictly speaking, among less busy women--in 1875; and a thousand copies, we are told, comprised the first edition. "The critics," Mrs. Eddy informs us, p.r.o.nounced it "wholly original," but a thing that would "never be read."

The foolish "critics"! How little they knew about "originality"! But they knew still less of Mrs. Eddy's "Spiritual _afflatus_," as she designates it, in the fervency of which "erudite systems of philosophy" had "melted"; nor did they realize her "divinely appointed mission"; for, in 1891, _Science and Health_ had reached sixty-two editions. "Then the critics said" that "Bishop Berkeley, David Hume, Ralph Waldo Emerson, or certain German philosophers," had originated Mrs. Eddy's sole and well-monopolized "Science."[29]

Now if any "critics" ever did really shoot such soft intellectual putty as that, they ought certainly to have been condemned to the most heroic sort of mind-healing.

Think of George Berkeley, the most acute, the most logical mind of his age, standing with both feet on John Locke's "Essay of the Human Understanding," and attempting to pull himself up into the Infinite by mouthing the s.h.i.+bboleth that there is no finite!

And David Hume--the bonny skeptic, David--whose keenness brought the philosophy of his age to a logical standstill, and for the moment broke up all "metaphysics"! Poor David Hume! In the hands of what a "critic" it was, who imagined he had ever furnished a speck of meat for such a haggis as _Science and Health_!

For the moment, let us pa.s.s by Mr. Emerson, the Puritan mystic of New England transcendentalism, who beamed serenely down on mere "critics," and told them he hoped he "had never said anything that needed to be proved."

But Mrs. Eddy's phrase, "_certain German philosophers_," is one that can only refer to Immanuel Kant, with his school of followers, who summed up the pure thinking of the modern world, as Plato and Aristotle summed up the pure thinking of the ancient world.

History tells us that Kant was a man who discovered the planet Ura.n.u.s by mathematics before Herschel found it with a telescope, and who "had mastered all sciences" to date when he lived. Ripe with the knowledge of sixty years, he wrote his _Critique of Pure Reason_. This, the most profound and far-reaching treatise of any age, should have been named "The a.n.a.lysis of Mind and Matter, Time and s.p.a.ce"; for such was really Kant's subject and achievement.

This extraordinary little German professor, Immanuel Kant, was the most regular and temperate of human beings; but he had a touch of asthma, for which, before all the medicinal properties of mind-cure were known, he took daily about a thimble-full of rum. Kant has been frightfully dealt with by his "critics," the most of whose heads he completely pulverized in connection with their activity in his behalf. But suppose Herr Professor Kant could have imagined that any "critic" on earth would ever accuse him of instigating the philosophy of Mary Baker G. Eddy! In that dread event, "the sage of Konigsberg," who once lost the thread of a lecture when a b.u.t.ton he used to finger was cut from his coat, might have been so disconcerted, so sunk in amazement and despair, as to swallow his whole bottle of liquor, instead of the twentieth of a gill, and to burn his _Critique of Pure Reason_ in a fit of _delirium tremens_.

It is well he was tempted into no such catastrophe; for, on getting on a bit, we shall find that every possible system of "metaphysics," to have any scientific foundation in modern thought, must refer itself to Kant's dissection of the universe.

CHAPTER VI.

"THE PRECIOUS VOLUME."

In the world of books, Mrs. Eddy's _Science and Health_ is the specially "precious volume"; for she herself so designates and describes it at the head of a chapter in her _Retrospection and Introspection_.[30] To her, indeed, it is a very precious volume--more precious than even a goodly pile of "the precious metals." Her devotees exchange these for it with sublime certainty that they get more than the worth of their money; and being in great need of science, to say nothing of health, their profuseness may be forgiven.

But it should be said at once that "Christian Scientists" are neither a bad nor a specially crude sort of the world's queer inhabitants. They are fanatically honest; and, as a whole, they have just that "little knowledge" which has long been proverbial as "a dangerous thing." Then they are quite incapable of looking through the veil worn by their beatific "Mother."

In the eyes of the unregenerate, these children of hers frequently turn to _Science and Health_, or to a picture of its author celestially touched up, when it would be well to inspect their plumbing and wash their windows. But this is no broad case against them; for almost any sort of camp-meeting, without regard to sect, is apt to bring upon the wicked some small inconveniences.

As can readily be seen, Mrs. Eddy's lambs are often amusing, and thus brighten life for less spiritual beings.

There is my babe-eyed friend, Mr. Tott. He never committed a cent's worth of sin in his life. He is a veritable piece of the salt of the earth, a little over-salted. But his youth has departed, and his sight is failing.

He used to wear gla.s.ses; but he discarded them for "Christian Science" and a dim, economic light. He sees a little yet, though chiefly with "the eye of the mind." With this eye, however, he beholds marvels of "healing"

going on all around him, which he proclaims and verifies at the weekly meetings of his church. He buys all Mrs. Eddy's books and publications, as fast as they come out. By patient effort he deciphers something of their contents. Then, as he contemplates an a.s.sertive text from _Science and Health_, or some tale of Jonah interpreted by Mother Eddy's _Key to the Scriptures_, a celestial calm descends on his soul, and folds it in a fabric softer than silk. He knows that he is better in health than ever before, that he sees better, and that the entire universe is becoming unspeakably illuminated. Disease never touches his physical frame; he has merely "a _belief_ of a cold," or "a _belief_ of a corn." In the etherialized Mr. Tott only one thing ever suggests a remnant of "wicked matter." Cast a doubt on the sainthood of Mrs. Eddy, then you behold an angel in anger. He may not indulge in personal violence, but he swiftly threatens that, if once you breathe your unholy doubt aloud, "Judge Hanna," or some other Sampson of "Science," will reduce you to a grease-spot.[31]

But, among all Mrs. Eddy's followers, her "precious volume," _Science and Health_, is paramountly precious to those who have paid their three hundred dollars for imbibing the inmost knowledge of her "unfathomable"

religion, and have gone forth among the gentiles to teach and to heal. To a missionary "in science," the "precious volume" cannot be too preciously bound. Let the daintiest white of the white-winged dove encase its "inspired words," printed on translated tissue of ethereal linen. Let the sheen of the gold standard furnish splendor for the edges of the leaves, and letters for the cover. Let the book be held before the eyes of a new student or patient, with abysmal solemnity and mystic silence. Hypnotism, if you _name_ it such, is bitterly disallowed; but "the precious volume"

is so hallowed a thing that no danger can come from using it in the same way as the disk of a mesmerist. Impressiveness is the point--that self may depart, and "science" become boundless. Almost every religious sect in all history has had its fetich. "Christian Science" is not behind the procession. Mrs. Eddy's _Science and Health_ is the fetich thereof. In a plain garment, for the poorer saints, it may be had for three dollars and eighteen cents. In the purest, holiest, most golden robe it costs six dollars.[32]

Let us look into _Science and Health_ and see what it is; though the author warns us that something more than "mortal mind" is required to understand it. This she a.s.serts and repeats with the voice, as it were, of a fog-horn grown eternal, until a mult.i.tude of people have come to think that the sound really contains significance. In her _Retrospection and Introspection_ Our Lady of "The Precious Volume" says:[33]

"_Science and Health_ is the textbook of Christian Science.... When the demand for this book increased, and people were healed by simply reading it, the copyright was infringed. I entered a suit at law, and my copyright was protected."

The case of "protected copyright" to which Mrs. Eddy refers, took place in 1883. A Mr. Arens had practised some sort of "mental healing," without the consent of the papal mother of "Christian Science." In connection with such healing he had issued some pamphlets, in which, according to the court records, he certainly came very near to reproducing certain sentences from _Science and Health_, which had a commercial value in his line, though they would not have sold for a cent out of "Science." The man's defense was that Mrs. Eddy's own works were not original with her, but had been copied from writings by Dr. Quimby.

Now Dr. Quimby, as we have seen, had sown the seed of the whole modern field of "mental healing," and Mrs. Eddy, as Mary M. Patterson, had told the whole truth about it. But Quimby's simple doctrine was that matter is a phase of mind; and hence that the mind of man, as an inlet of G.o.d's truth and power, can change the body and cure disease. Appropriating this thought, Mrs. Eddy had stretched it out and blown it up into the ponderous misfit labeled "Christian Science."

In 1883 none of Dr. Quimby's writings had been published, and there was no convenient evidence to prove that Mrs. Eddy had ascribed his mind-healing to "the Christ that was in him," and to his establishment of "Truth" in wrong-thinking sick patients. As no such facts were presented, and as Mr.

Arens had clearly plagiarized Mrs. Eddy, whatever _she_ had done, the court properly decided that her "copyright" be "protected." In other words, the merits of the case were not involved, though the decision has given Mother Eddy a chance to say, with her usual candor and logic, that the failure of Arens "to produce his proof is _conclusive evidence_ that _no such proof existed_."

_Science and Health_ is a book of nearly seven hundred pages, containing somewhat less than two hundred thousand words; but this brief of Un-Christian Non-Science includes Mrs. Eddy's _Key to the Scriptures_.

The eighty-second edition of "the precious volume" is the particular issue here elucidated. We shall make a few quotations from _Science and Health_, but only just enough to verify our criticism of it as a pretentious, untrue, and unhealthy book, which, in the interest of the public, needs to be exploded. For these quotations we shall give Mrs. Mary Baker G. Eddy full credit. It would be a crime, indeed, to accuse any one else of originating such capsules of metaphysical ipecac.

As laid down in _Science and Health_, the fundamental propositions of the mumbo-jumbo termed "Christian Science" are four in number.

_First_: G.o.d is All.

_Second_: G.o.d is Good. Good is Mind.

_Third_: G.o.d, Spirit, being All, nothing is matter.

_Fourth_: Life, G.o.d, omnipotent Good, deny death, evil, sin, disease.

Disease, sin, evil, death, deny Good, omnipotent G.o.d, life.

Mrs. Eddy says that, _to her_, these are "_self-evident_ propositions."

They are proved, too, by "the rule of inversion." They are just as harmonious backward as forward. There is a little hitch in Number Four, which declares one way that G.o.d denies death, evil, sin, and disease, and the other way that these deny G.o.d. But this one exception to "the rule of inversion" only confirms it; for, according to Scripture, G.o.d is true, and "every [mortal] man a liar."

For the corner-stone, then, of Eddyism, we have self-evident propositions--self-evident to the mind of Mrs. Mary Baker G. Eddy--and with these an appeal to Scripture. Truly enough this must be "Divine Science"; for no rational creature of modern times can suspect it of being human science, whether true or false. But, says the great teacher of it, "no human pen or tongue taught me the science," and "neither tongue nor pen can overthrow it." Well, never mind the overthrow. But, when Mrs. Eddy tells us that "no human pen or tongue" taught her "the science of mind-healing," we are obliged to infer that Dr. Quimby was more than human. How greatly would the plain but gifted Quimby have been shocked, had he foreknown that Mrs. Eddy would thus apotheosize him.

Through _Science and Health_ we learn that "Christian Science" reveals, "incontrovertibly," that "Mind is All-in-all"--the only "realities" being "the divine Mind and idea." We learn, further, that this divine Mind is G.o.d, that G.o.d's idea is Man, and that by authority of Webster an "idea" is "an image in mind."

It would be truly pitiable for any theologian, or indeed for any believer in a spirit-principle of the cosmos, to attempt the "overthrow" of these venerable "revelations" now protected by Mrs. Eddy's copyright, but which were h.o.a.ry with age even in the days of the Greek Academy. Barring Webster's definition of an idea, these "revelations" to Mrs. Eddy appear revealed in the Bible, though not copyrighted. As logical metaphysics, in recent times, Hegel reduced them to their utmost sublimation; and Hegel is excellent authority in many of our colleges, as well as with the good Dr.

Harris, our United States Commissioner of Education at Was.h.i.+ngton.

Let us say once more that there is no trouble in effecting a spiritual derivation of the universe, except to our friends, "the materialists," who have themselves refined "matter" to things not much like it. The only trouble with an all-containing, all-pervading Spiritual Source of Existence, is in the funny havoc sometimes made of it by half-baked people, like "Christian Scientists."

To Dr. Quimby, "Mind," or "Spirit" was the principle of all things. To him, Matter was a condition of Spirit--"an idea," he said, "reduced to a solid"--a "solid" meaning a definite and real appearance to human sense.

But this conception, which the old and regular school of metaphysicians have held for thousands of years, would not do for the genuine original "Mother of Christian Science" when she came to prescribe a dogma for the cure of all possible disease from leprosy to bunions. It was necessary, she thought, to have a stronger pill. She compounded it in the form that "matter," including the "mortal body," is not only "the objective state of the mortal mind," but that mortal mind is unmixed, "error," entailing all sin, disease, and death. Yet "error" is really "nothing"; or say something only to be _denied_. The duty of life, "_in Science_," is to make this denial effective. Matter, sin, disease, are absolute illusions and delusions of "mortal mind," which itself is just "error," to be wiped out.

Now say so, and they are all gone. Or if they persist in seeming to be anywhere, be more firm with them. Sing the denial, as well as say it. Keep it up. Let nothing else intervene for a second. Let every paragraph you write be made of it. Give it ten thousand different forms, and each form ten thousand variations. If you fully concentrate your whole mind on this "divine" business, and pay the full price for learning it, you will elevate yourself into "perfect harmony" with "Immortal Mind." When you accomplish this undertaking, impurity and evil, sin, disease and death, will disappear as the shadow of their original nothingness, which they always are and ever were.

Here is the whole real substance of "the precious volume," _Science and Health_, including Mrs. Eddy's marvelous _Key to the Scriptures_. Still, the holy tome has some interesting particulars.

On opening it, and journeying only as far as page 2, one finds that, while "Christian Science" is copyrighted property, "the Divine Spirit" was the real author of it; for Mrs. Eddy explicitly declares that through "Christian Science" the Divine Spirit testified to her, and that the testimony unfolded her one basic, forever-echoed a.s.sumption that "matter"

has nothing in it but "falsity."